I always imagined that the people in charge of Meals on Wheels were really devious, type people. Like, not in the way they operate meals on wheels, but like at night they'd probably mess with your mailbox, or something like that, because they just don't care.
Not many thoughts about Meals on Wheels other than that. I guess they're a really good thing. I wonder what the food is like. It's probably bland, because they have to satisfy a whole group of people, and so the food has to be tame so that nobody dislikes it. Then again, if I was meals on wheels, and somebody didn't like my food, I'd tell them to go get fucked.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Ten Awesome Movie Ideas
I’m feeling generous tonight, so I’m going to offer up five free movie ideas. These will be the best movies in the coming years, as the number of possible movie ideas begins to exhaust itself. Please note that these movie ideas are not free. I own them, and you’re going to have to pay me some money if you want them, and I want a lot of merchandise, but I’ll be reasonable. Just enough so when I’m interviewed, I’m surrounded by crap. And some money.
A boy-meets-girl movie with a wild twist. This new guy moves into town, and Sarah doesn’t think anything of it, until she notices that he really curses a lot. Like, a whole lot. Like not unreasonably, like he wouldn’t curse in a job interview, but when he’s just talking to people, oh yeah, he’s like ‘fuckin shit, and then man, shit’ the whole time. Sarah falls in love because she just loves how much he curses, and it’s a real twister, because the whole time he’s causing people to feel awkward because of just how much he curses, but she loves it. She’s torn, you see? Between what’s best for her, and what’s best for him. The Cussing. That should be the name.
Like Tron, but with whaling ships. Now, I never actually saw tron, but I know there is racing on a light bike, and if you cross someone’s beam, then you die. I’m guessing. So the whaling ships both have like, competing whaler captains, and they’re all retro, but retro 80’s not retro like... whaling ship age. Really other than that, there’s not a whole lot that’s like Tron. I guess maybe one of the ships could have a net trailing behind it, and at some point the other captain (The Red Captain) gets caught in the blue captain’s net, and he drowns or something. That would be the start of an epic tale.
Trillion-Mile Walker. This is a documentary about people with really stupid ideas, and how they intend to accomplish them. Like for example, maybe find a guy who wants to walk a trillion miles before he dies, and show what he does to get in shape and stuff like that, and he’s all talking about why it’s his dream and shit. Or a woman who wants to throw a javelin all the way across the pacific. And then document all of them documentary style, and then name the movie just one of the stupid ideas.
Power Rangers The Movie holy shit I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this one. It’s like the most obvious idea ever, and I don’t even like the power rangers. So make a movie, about the Power Rangers. Kids love it because it’s power rangers, and parents love it because it’ll be just like power rangers, only not retarded and all fucked up. Like a good story line, except nothing god damn stupid from the power rangers. Just really some suits so somebody looks like the power rangers, and then at the end they have to team up to fight a giant monster. The movie would be called Zords: Kids Action Movie For Adults.
How do you stop a gang of super intelligent criminal masterminds from taking over the city? By getting really really strong! In this movie there’s a group of super criminals, who are like, ultra geniuses, even have cyborg implants and stuff. Like some of them even have mind powers and stuff. And they’re going to take over the city, like I said. So then there’s this cop who’s like, ‘We can’t let them do this!’ and he volunteers for this program where they give him some kind of shot that makes him like, super strong, and he keeps getting stronger and stronger until he’s like, so strong he can punch a train and make it go down the tracks, or just smash a building in one hit. And you know, basically he just gets so freakin strong that whatever the criminals do, he can just punch them or do something, and it doesn’t matter, so eventually he gets them all to jail.
Fireman Love. This movie is a chick flick, except it’s like showing all these firemen’s relationships. The movie is a hit because whenever chicks rent porn, it’s always about firemen, so if you made this movie, they’d all love it! It doesn’t even matter what the movie is really about. They go out on some lousy dates or something, and maybe somebody breaks up and then at the end gets married. Like imagine you’re a guy, and you’re watching boxing, and it’s like, ‘Wow, that’s pretty good, but it would be better if it were two chicks boxing.’ and that’s why there’s women’s boxing now.
Going in line with Half-Baked, then Totally Baked, now we would have Double Baked, and it wouldn’t be a comedy, it would be a documentary the followed around people who were high, and examined how they try to bake things, or if their baking is actually any different from a person who is not high. Don’t bring up social issues like ‘How High Is Too-High?’ because that will just disturb people. Just focus on the baking.
Follow a pizza guy through his nightly deliveries, but oh no! What zany things always happen to him? Like at one house, he might knock and nobody’s there, and his boss totally freaks out for some reason and tells him he has to break in to see if someone died, and she calls the police. Then maybe later in the night his car has trouble, and he has to get it to the shop, and while he’s there there’s some witty dialogue with the mechanic, because they’re buddies, then he’s back out on the night again, and he just meets all kinds of people, and at the end solves a crime.
What’s the only thing hot enough to melt metal? Dragon’s Fire! Warriors from the future travel back to present time with a new weapon: The Dragon’s Fire. It’s totally destructive to everything, so they’re formidable! So the army and people of the present have to band together and fight them off!
Sluggers. Make a funny baseball movie about a team who just can’t get it together, like they’ve got a fat guy, and maybe one guy is of an ethnic background which is stereotypically bad at baseball, and maybe he doesn’t even know the rules. Ok, so then they bring in a new baseball coach, and he’s just as crazy! But he’s also strict, and he whips them into shape, and they win the tournament for whatever league they’re a part of.
When this one marine gets assigned to just kick ass from one end of the map to the other, he become the Cross-Country Warrior! He just gets this huge mission to just shoot a path through all these places, and they drop him off at one end, and it’s just non-stop action for three hours. Parts where he’s running through jungle and just shooting everything, and parts where he steals a jeep or a chopper and totally has to escape from the enemy, and he’s got to kill commanders, and guys in watch towers and tanks and everything, and by the time he gets to the end he’s like all beaten up but still good, and he’s like ‘Sarge, that was a hell of a mission.’ and sarge is all like ‘Yeah, but you gave them hell!’ or some other witty pun like that, and then we’re setup for a sequel.
Contact me if you’re interested in negotiating the rights to one of these great ideas. Remember, there are less new good ideas in the world every day. The value of these will only go up, so buy now and save just a ton!
A boy-meets-girl movie with a wild twist. This new guy moves into town, and Sarah doesn’t think anything of it, until she notices that he really curses a lot. Like, a whole lot. Like not unreasonably, like he wouldn’t curse in a job interview, but when he’s just talking to people, oh yeah, he’s like ‘fuckin shit, and then man, shit’ the whole time. Sarah falls in love because she just loves how much he curses, and it’s a real twister, because the whole time he’s causing people to feel awkward because of just how much he curses, but she loves it. She’s torn, you see? Between what’s best for her, and what’s best for him. The Cussing. That should be the name.
Like Tron, but with whaling ships. Now, I never actually saw tron, but I know there is racing on a light bike, and if you cross someone’s beam, then you die. I’m guessing. So the whaling ships both have like, competing whaler captains, and they’re all retro, but retro 80’s not retro like... whaling ship age. Really other than that, there’s not a whole lot that’s like Tron. I guess maybe one of the ships could have a net trailing behind it, and at some point the other captain (The Red Captain) gets caught in the blue captain’s net, and he drowns or something. That would be the start of an epic tale.
Trillion-Mile Walker. This is a documentary about people with really stupid ideas, and how they intend to accomplish them. Like for example, maybe find a guy who wants to walk a trillion miles before he dies, and show what he does to get in shape and stuff like that, and he’s all talking about why it’s his dream and shit. Or a woman who wants to throw a javelin all the way across the pacific. And then document all of them documentary style, and then name the movie just one of the stupid ideas.
Power Rangers The Movie holy shit I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this one. It’s like the most obvious idea ever, and I don’t even like the power rangers. So make a movie, about the Power Rangers. Kids love it because it’s power rangers, and parents love it because it’ll be just like power rangers, only not retarded and all fucked up. Like a good story line, except nothing god damn stupid from the power rangers. Just really some suits so somebody looks like the power rangers, and then at the end they have to team up to fight a giant monster. The movie would be called Zords: Kids Action Movie For Adults.
How do you stop a gang of super intelligent criminal masterminds from taking over the city? By getting really really strong! In this movie there’s a group of super criminals, who are like, ultra geniuses, even have cyborg implants and stuff. Like some of them even have mind powers and stuff. And they’re going to take over the city, like I said. So then there’s this cop who’s like, ‘We can’t let them do this!’ and he volunteers for this program where they give him some kind of shot that makes him like, super strong, and he keeps getting stronger and stronger until he’s like, so strong he can punch a train and make it go down the tracks, or just smash a building in one hit. And you know, basically he just gets so freakin strong that whatever the criminals do, he can just punch them or do something, and it doesn’t matter, so eventually he gets them all to jail.
Fireman Love. This movie is a chick flick, except it’s like showing all these firemen’s relationships. The movie is a hit because whenever chicks rent porn, it’s always about firemen, so if you made this movie, they’d all love it! It doesn’t even matter what the movie is really about. They go out on some lousy dates or something, and maybe somebody breaks up and then at the end gets married. Like imagine you’re a guy, and you’re watching boxing, and it’s like, ‘Wow, that’s pretty good, but it would be better if it were two chicks boxing.’ and that’s why there’s women’s boxing now.
Going in line with Half-Baked, then Totally Baked, now we would have Double Baked, and it wouldn’t be a comedy, it would be a documentary the followed around people who were high, and examined how they try to bake things, or if their baking is actually any different from a person who is not high. Don’t bring up social issues like ‘How High Is Too-High?’ because that will just disturb people. Just focus on the baking.
Follow a pizza guy through his nightly deliveries, but oh no! What zany things always happen to him? Like at one house, he might knock and nobody’s there, and his boss totally freaks out for some reason and tells him he has to break in to see if someone died, and she calls the police. Then maybe later in the night his car has trouble, and he has to get it to the shop, and while he’s there there’s some witty dialogue with the mechanic, because they’re buddies, then he’s back out on the night again, and he just meets all kinds of people, and at the end solves a crime.
What’s the only thing hot enough to melt metal? Dragon’s Fire! Warriors from the future travel back to present time with a new weapon: The Dragon’s Fire. It’s totally destructive to everything, so they’re formidable! So the army and people of the present have to band together and fight them off!
Sluggers. Make a funny baseball movie about a team who just can’t get it together, like they’ve got a fat guy, and maybe one guy is of an ethnic background which is stereotypically bad at baseball, and maybe he doesn’t even know the rules. Ok, so then they bring in a new baseball coach, and he’s just as crazy! But he’s also strict, and he whips them into shape, and they win the tournament for whatever league they’re a part of.
When this one marine gets assigned to just kick ass from one end of the map to the other, he become the Cross-Country Warrior! He just gets this huge mission to just shoot a path through all these places, and they drop him off at one end, and it’s just non-stop action for three hours. Parts where he’s running through jungle and just shooting everything, and parts where he steals a jeep or a chopper and totally has to escape from the enemy, and he’s got to kill commanders, and guys in watch towers and tanks and everything, and by the time he gets to the end he’s like all beaten up but still good, and he’s like ‘Sarge, that was a hell of a mission.’ and sarge is all like ‘Yeah, but you gave them hell!’ or some other witty pun like that, and then we’re setup for a sequel.
Contact me if you’re interested in negotiating the rights to one of these great ideas. Remember, there are less new good ideas in the world every day. The value of these will only go up, so buy now and save just a ton!
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sportsmanship
If cheerleading is a sport, then so is pole dancing. Also, I have nothing against pole dancers. Cheerleaders... not so lucky. That's basically all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Jef Van Royen, regarding cultured diamonds:
Bullshit. If you love someone, and you think giving them a rock dug out of a mine by a slave in some third-world country is a sign of that, you're an even bigger douche bag than you are a moron, and you should be stoned. With diamonds.
"If people really love each other, then they give each other the real stone," he says, during an interview at council headquarters on the Hoveniersstraat in Antwerp.
Bullshit. If you love someone, and you think giving them a rock dug out of a mine by a slave in some third-world country is a sign of that, you're an even bigger douche bag than you are a moron, and you should be stoned. With diamonds.
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