Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Las Vegas Strip Clubs
As one of the most knowledgable men in the world, and because I'm going to vegas for a bachelor party, I will be reviewing more than three different strip clubs, so that everyone can know what the REAL deal is in Las Vegas. Here we go:
It is said that size matters. If this is true, which it is, then Sapphire has the upper hand. Sapphire claims to be the world's largest strip club, with over 400 entertainers each night. Now, I don't if 'entertainers' means there will be 400 nekkid broads, but 400 is a lot of entertainment, any way you slice it. Hell, 400 pieces of beef jerky would be sweet as hell. If I went to a club and they were like, "Sir, for your pleasure tonight we have 400 jugglers" I'd be like, "Hell, lets see it. That's a lot of juggling, there's got to be something going on there."
Overall, Sapphire seems to be geared towards people who like to make bad decisions. They offer divorce parties, monday night football parties (Anyone who says they've never punched a woman during football night is a liar), and claim that some of their deals are so good that it is like committing a crime.
It's kind of hard to judge these places based on the girls pictured on the website, because I'm pretty sure these same girls are on every site, but based on one photo I did find which is definitely of the establishment, they have at least one blonde girl. Also, I'm going to guess that because they football night, they probably have some girl who is supposed to be a cheerleader or something. Sapphire also has dudes, as evidenced from the snippet to the left. Imagine a choreographed show featuring a marine, the phantom of the opera, Ken from Streetfighter, and a dude from Wrestlemania. You can't make a joke about that.
Overall, Sapphire lost a lot of points for not saying anything about food on their website, and because the pictures of the place make it look like you might get groped there. I'm giving it 2 out of 5 strippers getting low
Holy crap. Let me just start out by saying that Crazy Horse 3 loves butts. The entire website is covered in butts. There is at least a 4:1 butt to face ratio. Is this a bad thing? YOU be the judge. Their logo is themed like The Godfather logo from the movies, and this is their third try at it, so... third time is a charm, and plus after screwing up twice you probably know what you're doing. Crazy Horse 3 has a hookah bar, a 'rock room' featuring live bands, a nightclub, and from the photos on their website, apparently two large vans parked out front at all times.
Crazy Horse doesn't have as extensive of a website as a lot of clubs, but they make up for it with quality. Every butt on this site looks tight enough to snap a man in two. I'm giving it an Emmy:
I suspect that OG stands for, or stood for, Olympic Gardens, but I could be wrong. It might also stand for Original Gangster or Orange Guice. They have a Flickr account, which isn't really that inspiring, although it does prove that they have at least one cute girl, so I appreciate the honesty.
"Bull Riding, Cowboys, and Georgeous Girls. What more could you want?" I'm totally not sure. Less cowboys probably, or none, and less bull riding, but still probably a lot. They also do special parties on Sundays, and costume shows featuring things like an old woman, a dominatrix, an inappropriate version of wonder-woman, and maybe a medieval robot. Everybody's got to find something they love in there.
OG has a 'Dancer of the Month' page with nothing on it, which is not inspiring, and the only picture which actually appears to be non-staged looks more like a highschool party. For these reasons, I can not assign OG more than 3 out of 10 bottles of lotion.
If my gradeschool memories serve me correctly, The Spearmint Rhino is a sexual technique involving toothpaste. This is a pretty edgy name for a strip club, so I expect some pretty edgy things. There isn't a lot on their site, but one video shows a bunch of good looking dames wiggling around, so that's pretty great. I also like that their site makes it look kind of more refined. Maybe it's what's not on their site that really says what the Spearmint Rhino is all about. They don't say anything about the kinds of services they offer, and they don't say anything about what it's like there, or the girls or anything. So... I guess the real statement of this site is... Spearmint Rhino is some kind of strip club I think.
I'm giving them major points for style and minimalism, and awarding 7 out of 10 stripper shoes.
Who is Rick?! Where does he get all these women?!? There is no way any of us will ever know, but that doesn't mean we can't still go to Rick's Cabaret and KEEP YOUR QUESTIONS TO YOURSELF. Rick's Cabaret has a pretty fancy page, featuring some pretty fancy women. Every time you click a link, the whole page freaks the hell out like in a seisure, so I imagine it's just like what it's like in Vegas.
Upcomming events for Rick's Cabaret include a breast-cancer fundraiser where you get to paint the dancers, and then they press their bodies against a canvas for some kind of art type thing.
Ricks advertises their top-shelf liquors and cigar selection, and also has a piano bar, so it's about as classy as it gets, right? Ricks also has drew carrey's brother doing a video intro and tour of the place.
I'm giving Rick's our highest award: 5/5 CD's
At first when I saw this one I thought it said 'Club Parasite' and I was like... Wha!??! But then I reread it and it made a lot more sense. Club Parasite would be pretty sweet too, but only if it wasn't a strip club.
 |
| Even this blind man can enjoy Club Paradise |
Club Paradise gets major points for actually putting up what appear to be pictures of their dancers. And a lot of them are pretty hot. So hot in fact, that I pretty much just said hey, I don't care about the rest of the place because it looks like they've obviously got it together. I'm giving Club Paradise a MetaRating of 98% and just moving on. I never thought I'd get tired of looking at pictures of hot girls, but damn I'm getting hungry.
This is a freaking steak house and strip club. Kind of makes the whole bull-riding strip club seem silly. Treasures claims to be the most luxurious strip club, and the photos surely make it look that way. All of the walls are covered in carpet or a prince's robe or something, and everything is covered in gold and steak.
 |
| If you have a fantasy about your art teacher, Treasures is there for YOU |
Treasures also offers golf outings and poker tournaments! A topless poker dealer is one of the finest luxuries in the world. I don't know about a topless caddy. I think she'd end up getting sun burned, and things go downhill really fast from there. But I know some people like golf, so hey I'm not judging you!
Judging by the photos on the site, Treasures is more of a place for the breast connoisseur, rather than the butts. The entire time I was on their site I was unable to find even one butt picture. That said, Treasures seems classy, has nice broads, and has fucking STEAK so they win and the contest is over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)