Review: Music

Music is such a big part of my life. So important to me, in fact, that I would kill a man. For your extreme pleasure, I am reviewing 5 songs which I will allow to be selected at random by my iTunes robot. If the lord's power is within me, which I am sure it is, then the 5 songs which are chosen will be the ideal ones for you to experience.

The information and lyrics here are provided exclusively for educational purposes, and I make no claim to them.

1. Lil Troy - For Years
I don't have the album artwork for this song, because I was too lazy to find it, so I don't really know what Lil Troy looks like, but that's not important. Lets just focus on his music.

I've had to keep restarting this song to try and understand the lyrics. I've not made it past forty seconds yet, but this is what I've got. I warn you that these lyrics are explicit: "Yeah, die niggers and shit. Talking about stopping me, how are you going to stop me? I have shortstopped everyone in here." What this song is about is Lil Troy, shortstopping people, for years. This song really hits home with me because he even mentions my hometown, Hamilton 'H-Town' Hamilton.

Lil Troy mentions that his "nuts hang to the floor like drapes." This statement really illustrates what his nuts are like, which is what makes this song so amazing. The graphic imagery and rapping that he does is just fan-tastic. Also, I'd like to mention that there is another rapper who is featured in this song besides Lil Troy. Once again, I didn't care enough to find out who it was, and he probably said his name at some point but there's no way I'm starting the song over again to be sure.

This song is probably great if you're some kind of gangster or if you need a motivational song for baseball.

2. Paul Oakenfold - This Is Trance
Holy crap, this is one of my all time favorite songs!!!

Right from the start, Paul starts kicking ass with some edgy beats. No, not really. Actually it doesn't really get good until a minute and forty in, but this song is almost 7 minutes long, so who cares?! Once we're into the good part of the song, there's like, this steady drum beat, and it's like a heart beat, and then there's like, some symbols or something, giving you a like, ra-ta-ta-ta going on, and then there's some robot noises, like a robot doing some beat-boxing.

There are some ups and downs in this song, and that's my only issue with Oakenfold's style. A good trance song will start out going awesome, and then get better, and better, and just keep getting faster and better and more hardcore, and at the end the only people still dancing have taken like 20-thousand hits of acid and can't feel the pain. That's how trance is done. You look in the clubs here in America, what do you find? Shit. You look in Europe, Mexico, Tahiti, what do you find? Shit. It's because nobody will push it, except the Russians. Go to a good Russian club and you'll get people with like, arms going all over, just dancing up a storm, because everybody is crazy-go-nuts.

If I had to rate this song on a scale of one to five stars, which is apparently what I did in iTunes, I'd give it a 5. I recommend this song for anyone who likes a little bit of party, but not too much, and is really conservative about how wild they can dance.

3. M.I.A. - Jimmy
I don't think I've ever heard this song. I just got the album for $20 and Paper Planes. By $20 I mean that's the name of the song. The album wasn't twenty dollars.

Ok, so right off the bat it sounds like this song is in a different language. Probably whatever the M.I.A. woman is. Her nationality. She keeps going, "Jimmy? Ah-cha." and I don't know what that means. And then there's some happy dancing music.

On the second verse, I think we're speaking English now, but it's hard to tell. Some words sound english, but others are completely foreign. It is possible that she's just a really bad rhymer, and has made up some words to satisfy the lyrical constraints.

It's not horrible, but I'm glad that this song is only three and a half minutes. Any longer and it would be really bad. My favorite part is when it is over. This is probably a good song if you have excellent linguistic skills and can decipher the words.

4. Rick Astley - Together Forever
Ok, so I don't want to talk about this song, but I will talk about 'Never Gonna Give You Up' by the same artist. Yeah. Rickrolling? I've got to say, I don't get it. Like, you trick someone into seeing this music video or whatever, but why this? And why is that the reaction? I think when somebody plays this song, everybody should get up and do a dance, or atleast snap and walk. And if anyone had a crazy 80s clothes they would put it on. If your intent is to get the better of someone, then you should trick them into watching a video of somebody pooping. That's how you do a number on someone. Hah! Literally!

I think all Rick Astley songs are great for when you just want to be a crazy guy or lady.

5. The Zombies - She's Not There
Aw man, this song is one of the best ever written. Only problem? It's only two and a half minutes long! So you only get to jam for two and a half minutes and then you have to repeat it or play a different song. What a bummer! The only thing I can come up with to explain this is that maybe when this song came out, people were just getting so high that they usually didn't stay conscious for much more than 2 minutes after putting on an album. So The Zombies, being of sound mind, knew that they didn't have to waste any more time than that. Shit... maybe everyone just passed out and they were like, 'Fuck it, keep this one short. I'm starting to see shit.' A crazy time, the 20s.

This is a song with a story, and he's got these great lyrics to explain it. He's like, oh man, this babe, she's like, DD's, itty-bitty waist, butt like, 'Yeah!', but she's crazy, man. Or maybe she's not crazy, maybe she's psychotic. Like she's a man-killer. See? The song isn't about her being missing or some shit. It's about her being mentally 'not there'.

The Zombies utilize several instruments for this song, which is no doubt, one of the things that makes it great. There is an organ, and a guitar, and some drums, and maybe more, it's hard to tell. Any complaints about this song? Unfortunately, yes. Since this song was written, there has been a notable lack of rhythm-sticks in any song. Why? The Zombies should have been keen enough to pick up on this, and really operate those rhythm-sticks in this song, and get the trend really going. Rhythm-sticks are always a great instrument, so more = better. Unfortunately that is not the case, and that's why this song gets a penalty, but I'm still giving it 5 stars because it ROCKS!