Stop writing comments

Hey everybody. I know I haven't really been attentive to you lately, but things have been really busy. I did discover a strange correlation lately though, about how much I post, vs how many comments I get. I'll get into that in a minute. First my standard disclaimer:

This post contains explicit content. It is rude, offensive, and anyone associated with it in any way, including those reading this, is acting directly in poor taste. If you can be offended in any way, do not read this article. If you are a member of any religion, race, or species, do not read this article. Inertia is a property of matter. If it is possible to derive your inertia, do not read this article.

See, whenever I'm writing, the web is silent, but as soon as I stop, some dick bag discovers a post I wrote like, 4 years ago, and writes some witty comment about what a dumbass I am. THAT'S THE POINT, DICK BAG. If I was just on here writing about the state of the union or scientific research or something, nobody would give a shit. I know that's not any different from now, but the important thing is that I wouldn't be having any fun. And that's what matters.

So like I was saying. Today I went to the mall, so I'm going to give everybody an update, in case you haven't been to the mall in a while. There are some new stores, and some old stores, but one thing is for sure: They can pack a ton of fucking sunglass huts and cell phone kiosks in there. Good thing people don't go to the mall as much anymore, because there's no fucking room to walk.

American Eagle - I have a friend who works for AE, and a friend who used to work for AE, so no disrespect to them, but honestly, you walk into an American Eagle, where they've got a $60 t-shirt, and they treat you like absolute crap. Nobody in the store gives a shit, there's some bitches talking to each other about their dad's cars or something, and some guy checking himself out in the mirror, and I'm over at the checkout with my bags and shit, unable to pass go, because everybody in the store was an accident when their parents got too drunk. But like I said, seriously, no offense to anybody.

Abercrombie & Fitch - You walk into the store, and they've got people there ready to greet you, and the store smells like their cologne, and there's loud fucking music, and it's like... they're trying, but they don't really know what the hell they're doing. Some moron back at HQ smelled their cologne once and was like "HOLY SHIT THIS IS GREAT LETS MAKE THE STORES SMELL LIKE IT ALWAYS" and never realized that FUCK YOU BECAUSE AIR SMELLS FINE WITHOUT YOUR SHIT IN IT 24/7 ASS BAG, and the music is like, good music, but it's pumped up so loud you can't hear what they're saying at the register, and there's like, palm trees, which are cool, but they're blocking the god damn aisles... you know. I can tell they care, they just don't get it.

Buckle (The?) - Every time I've ever walked into this store, I basically had a personal shopping assistant there. Not like, the STORE had a shopping assistant there, like me, personally. My person was there. You know? A good looking person, somebody cool, and they're like, looking around, doing their own thing, but when I'm pondering something, they'll give me the low down, and then get back to their thing. I don't need somebody hovering, I don't need somebody pushing me, I just need the exact amount of data at the exactly correct time, and I expect that.

Radioshack - The tragedy of radioshack is that whenever I walk into the store, they ask me if I need help. Yeah, I do. I need XYZ. They'll make 'hmmm' noises, and look around and shit, but they don't have it. Do you know why they don't have it? Because all Radioshack sells anymore is fucking televisions and fucking cell phones. Let me dissect the name right here, in two parts.
First part: Radio. Date: 1887. Meaning: A device used for comminication
Second part: Shack. Date: 1878. Meaning: FUCK YOU I AIN'T NEED NO TV'S OR CELL PHONES WHY DID YOU QUIT SELLING REAL PRODUCTS

Victoria's Secret - Ok, so victorias secret has always been kind of a creepy store, what with all the pictures of flying angel-women all over the god damn place. Somebody's got a major personality complex, I can tell you that much. But NO. It is even creepier now because of that whole PINK brand they throw on half the store front. To anyone who thinks sweat pants are sexy: FUCK YOU. And to anyone who thinks people want to look at a big neon logo plastered all over your doughy ass, guess what. FUCK YOU.

Strange Asian Massage Guys - I really don't know what the deal with this is. I just don't get it. Who wants to lie down on something in the mall, and get all rubbed up on while all kinds of random people walk by. Like, describe the appeal. Tell me why you think, 'HMMMM... THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT WAY TO BLOW FIVE BUCKS OR WHATEVER'. How old are you? Because that many years ago, on your birthday, a dumbass comet must have been streaking through the 10th house of Saturn, because god damn.

Lens Crafters / Pearl Vision - I'm lumping these two stores together because fuck them both. I've used both in the past, and they're handy when you're on vacation and you crush your fucking glasses, but fuck them still. You will never have to listen to more bullshit than when you're trying to get glasses at these places. Just fucking bullshit for hours, because they're full of shit. Here's how you find a good place to get glasses (fuck your contacts): Go in, and just start making wild demands. Just request shit that is completely ridiculous. Don't make a bit of fucking sense. Tell them you want lenses that are like, an inch thick, and glow, and then you want a pair of two-way glasses, where you can put them on upside-down, and glasses for a gorilla, and describe the shape of the head in archaic measures like cubits and shit. Because a master of the optical sciences will not fucking FLINCH at you. They are hard as nails. Fucking nails. And that's when you tell them nevermind and just get your real glasses.

Chick-Fil-a - this store is not open on Fridays I think, which can be kind of inconvenient. Oh, also, their chicken tastes like shit.

Random Asian Store With Creative Name Like 'CHINA STORE' - Ok, another good store. They've got all kinds of crazy asian crap, like hello kitty ottomans, and a fog machine, and some robes. And if you're lucky, you can maybe get some pokemon. Also, always a good deal on swords.

Well that's all the stores I can think of, so get lost.