An Open Letter to Maxim Magazine

Dear Maxim Magazine,

Shortly after my recent breakup, my ex purchased a subscription to Maxim magazine for my reading pleasure, because she is a cruel tease who enjoys my suffering and wants me to oggle half naked women, which is also a quality I find highly desirable in women. More to the point, upon receiving my most recent issue of Maxim, I was moved to comment at what I feel is a lack of proper editorial respect and on behalf of the publisher of Maxim Magazine. Please read on.

As a subscriber, in order for magazines to reach my mail box, a mailing label is generally affixed to the front cover of the magazine, bearing my name, address, and other information which I neglect to read. This label can then be removed, by me, and tossed aside, since I am an OCD bastard and like my magazines to be neatly displayed. Upon receiving the most recent issue of Maxim Magazine, I was met with joy at the image of Milla Jovavitch (sp?(don'tcare)) in her undies, in a seductive, stripping, pose. While not an overly huge fan of Milla Jovavitch, although I do appreciate her work in great films such as The Fifth Element, Ultraviolet, and the Resident Evil series, I am an extreme fan of scantily-clad women. But I digress...

Again, to the point, upon entering my domicile and examining the magazine cover further, I discovered, much to my dismay, that the address label was covering up Milla's leg-pelvicular area, and was not the standard affixed address label, but instead, one printed directly onto the magazine cover itself, thereby robbing me of what is probably my only chance to see this woman's naughty bits. Clearly, this is an unacceptable mistake on behalf of the publisher.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever open this issue of Maxum, as I have little interest in 'The Joy of Reunion Sex', nor an 'NFL Preview' involving the secrets of 'the snap'. I therefore, since I can not find the news-stand price of the magazine anywhere on it, request the sum total of $2.66 in reparations for the unjustice perpetrated upon both myself, and my ex who actually purchased the magazine. This money I will use to buy Now And Later candy, which I will share with all around me in order to bring joy to all. Upon receipt of this sum, I will also give the cover of the magazine to a homeless, thus completing the great circle of recycling.