The Rules of Pizza

Many years ago, when I was a young lad, I was put to the task of ordering pizza for a group of about 15 people. Because our budget was significant, I went to each person, and asked what exactly the would like. Then, I ordered 16 pizzas, one with each person's exact request, and one with what I wanted. Now, all the other people ordered really stupid, dumb-ass fucked up stuff. Like pizzas without cheese, and one with no sauce, or light sauce, or one that's got extra spice, like you think the people at the pizza place have extra spice sitting around in fucking jars, and I'm like... holy christ. An 8 year old can jump up to the table and eat some fucking pizza, and you've got to have some kind of mental defect pizza made specially for you, because somewhere in your 40 years of life you lost the ability to just deal with it, you dumb bastard?

And you know what I ordered? Pepperoni and cheese. The number one mother fucking thing ordered in america today.

So the pizza gets there, people start grabbing and eating, and you know what? No Cheese motherfucker takes some of his pizza, and decides pepperoni sounds good too, so takes some of that. And you know what triple peppers motherfucker does? Takes some of his triple pepper pizza, and decides to take some pepperoni too. Every motherfucker takes some pepperoni, and you know what I'm left with? The rest of these fucktards pizzas. Like I want to eat that shit.

It was then that I made an important decision. It was either totally flip-out, and just start killing everyone I see, or invent The Rules of Pizza. Live by these rules, and flourish ye' may.

1. When asked for your desired toppings, do not state that you do not care, or do not know. Behold: The default pizza, is cheese. If you do not know what you want, or do not care, you then desire: The Default Pizza. Order it as such, or as 'cheese', or do not order at all, or order as above, but know that you are a dumbass.

2. Your portion of the pizza is equal to your share in the group. You can not give this right up before the pizza has arrived. State clearly your intentions before the order is made. Believe the following two examples:

Harry Groban and Maxwell are ordering pizza. Harry Groban asks Maxwell what he would like, to which Maxwell replies 'The Works'. Harry Groban then orders a large pizza, with half works, and half cheese. When the pizza arrives, Maxwell says that he is not hungry, and because Harry Groban does not desire the works, a large portion of pizza goes to waste. This calls for swift punishment indeed.

William is ordering pizza, and asks his friend Marsha what she would like, to which she replies that she probably only wants one piece, but would like olives. William then makes the decision that Marsha apparently isn't hungry, because she only wants one piece, and she might be a fatass because she's trying to bargain her way into a pizza when she's already full, so he decides to order only a personal pan pizza for himself. Their reward shall be in heaven.

3. Many pizzas come with pizza accessories, such as a garlic cup, or a pepper. These items are to be shared equally, and not tainted with your nastyness. If there be an item which is not easily shared, such as a pepper, it shall be openly decided who will eat the pepper. If a decision can not be made, leave the thing and nobody gets it, because you're selfish pricks.

4. If you want something other than pizza, you better fork over some fucking cash upfront. Because like, sometimes people are ordering a pizza, and one fucker wants pasta or something like that. Maybe a fucking salad. Now everybody knows that it could have been cheap, because pizzas are designed to be eaten by multiple people and are efficient like that, but you had to be a prick and get something else, so now the other people have to pay more for their pizza, plus your part is going to be bigger, which means you have to pay more tip, and taxes, and you better carry your fucking weight in this thing, because I'll slash you up right here like a vertical blinds.

5. Know the difference between doing something cool, and something stupid. Raising a piece of pizza high above your head on one hand, and quoting the ninja turtles, possibly including some action move, is an awesome thing to do. Sharing stories with a little league team about winning some game, nobody wants to hear about that shit. Everyone wants pizza and to talk about the ninja turtles, and you should really shut up. And maybe there's like, one kid who thinks that baseball is so cool and he's going to be the winner some day, he's probably a dumbass, so just shut up and let everybody eat. Cowabunga!

6. If you're making a pizza, and you're using ham, if the ham is all wet, dry that shit off before putting it on the pizza, because then the middles of the ham circles aren't cooked enough, and the outsides are kinda too cooked. And don't like, overlap three pieces, because if I wanted to eat lunch meat I'd just have fucking done that. No need to order.

The Zen Masters of Buddha say that true enlightenment is reached through being perfect at everything, so that includes how to order pizza. Therefore, by just thinking about it, we know that the one who has achieved enlightenment also knows about pizza, so basically you should get on that too. So remember the rules above, and follow them, as well as spreading the good word.