Looking to impress a special lady? Show her how much wine you can drink at once! But how, if you don't know about wine? Getting a good wine experience is a hard thing to do, because wine is one of the finer things in life, and that means sometimes it takes some work. But don't worry! I'm going to show you exactly how to get some great wine, and enjoy it too!
So where do you get wine? There are three places: The Store, Make it yourself, Somebody else makes it. Of course the easiest way to get wine is to go to the store, but think about it, wine didn't start magically, people used to make it by hand, and you can do this too!! Just imagine putting a bunch of your own wine into a bottle, and keeping it in your cellar for over 100 years! What class!! But that is not the easiest way, so I'm going to focus on going to the store. Also, if someone else has made the wine, like maybe a good buddy, drink up, because you won't live forever anyway, and if your friend's wine kills you, what a great prank!
There are different kinds of stores with different kinds of wine. Don't be a dumbass, and make sure that you go to a store with lots of wine. And don't be a d-bag when you go to the store. If you walk in there all looking like an ass and knocking stuff over, nobody is going to want to talk to you or anything. You'll probably get shunned.
So how do you pick out a good wine? Really dumb people will pick a bottle up, and read the label. Hah! Why is this so stupid? Go get two bottles of wine, and compare the labels. They say EXACTLY THE SAME THING. They just change the positioning and the colors so that you don't notice!
No, the only way to really tell if a wine is good is to taste it, but that's frowned upon in the store. Also, since they all get you drunk, you're not going to remember what the bottle looked like anyway, and if you liked it! Because of this, when you buy a bottle of wine, buy a full case (36) of them at once. That way if the wine is good, you already have a ton of it to enjoy! And if it's bad, what are you buying all that wine for if you don't like it?
So how do you select a wine? There are a lot of options:
Basically, you can buy any kind you want, as long as it is not white zinfandel. If you buy this and show it to a lady, she will think you are gay, but hey, that's ok! Being gay is a great way to get the ladies too!!
The main kinds of wine are this: Red Wine, White Wine, Box Wine, Mead, and Other
Red wine is a lot like grape juice. Don't try to act like it is not. To test this, get some grape juice and drink it. Bam. Same freaking thing.
White wine is a more refined wine, which is made by running a red wine through a coffee filter basically (think of a larger scale). This wine is better for the ladies, because it doesn't turn their whole mouth red and it looks like you're a wine-o.
Box wine is a party wine, used for playing Edward Box-Wine-Head Hands. Here is how you do that: For each person at your party, you will need one box of wine. Using duct-tape, tape the box of wine to the side of their head, and then put a tube from the opening on the box wine so the person can drink it. Then basically everyone drinks the wine and has a great time. Also, once the syphon effect starts, there is wine all over! What a great party!
Mead is wine made from honey, instead of grapes. Nobody is sure how they do this.
Other wine is great too, like Boones Farm or Thunderbird. If you drink a whole bottle of thunderbird by yourself, it turns your teeth black! Great if your son or daughter is a goth or emo. Other 'other' wines might be like, novelty wine that you buy at Spencers Gifts shaped like a dong or something.
Wine can be all kinds of prices, but there's a safe, legal trick to get you to save a whole bunch of money on your wine! Nobody knows what wine is really worth, so just bring a marker with you to the store, and when you see a wine you want, scratch out the price or barcode and write $3 on the bottle! then when you get to the cashier, tell them it's half off! They'll think you're the smartest shopper ever!
You can drink wine alone, but that is called an alcoholic. To really enjoy wine, you need a lady with you. This is even true if you're a lady! Two dudes drinking some wine together just doesn't really do it. If there are two dudes together, and #1 on the priority list is drinking some wine, well... I don't know what your plans are for the evening, but probably something strange.
Some wine aficionados will tell you that there are 5 characteristics to look for in wine: Scent, Taste, Sight, Touch, and Sound. This is not true, and is just a way that people try to look smart. All you really have to do is make sure there's nothing in your glass that there shouldn't be. If something came out of the bottle that is not wine-like, like machinery parts, or maybe there's floaty stuff in it or fungus, then you need to get that out before you drink it. Wine is like cheese, it's ok if there's stuff in it, and sometimes it makes it better! You'll know if you like a wine immediately, based on if it tastes good or not. If it's great, then you love it! And if it's bad, then you probably don't want to drink it again, but you've got 35 other bottles, so shouldn't have done that, huh?
Armed with this new information, you're probably ready to go enjoy some wine! Just remember to take it easy. If you drink a lot of wine, and throw up, it's pretty nasty, and nobody is going to think you're cool. Also, you'll be covered in throw up, or you'll throw up in somebody's living room, and that's just nasty man!!!
So go have a good time, and be a little classy for me! I know you will!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Personal Quality Guarantee
Recently, a friend asked me: Big Dave, how do you all the time stay so sexy and everything you wear looks good on you?
I am not a jealous man, or a liar, so I am going to share one of my favorite being-sexy tips with you today. It is called my Personal Quality Guarantee, or PQG for short. These are just simple rules which I abide by, in order to only expose myself to the highest quality of life, and the best things. By following these rules, I can be sexy not only when the situation is right, but all the time, simply because I am always doing my best!
Your PQG's will differ from mine of course, because not everyone has the same things around them and life happenings, but everyone can make some simple rules to live by, and have a better time! I will give you some of my PQG's here, so that you have the best role model for which to base your life:
I will not eat anything that has been in another person's mouth. This PQG is fairly basic, and you can probably use this one too! Something that has been in the mouth of another person is probably not something you want to eat. The logic is simple: They did not want to eat it after it was in their mouth, so you will probably think the same. This rule can be bent though. For example, if someone really great put something in their mouth, and then decided not to eat it, maybe it is still ok, and they just were having a moment or something. Also, this generally only applies to food. A retainer, for example, should not be eaten, but only because it's not a food. It's supposed to go in a mouth and then out again.
Never give an animal the benefit of the doubt. This is another rule which is more like, a commandment, rather than something all crazy. You can use this one as well. For example, a lot of people will talk about how smart horses are, and all the things they can do, but this is just stupid! Why do you need to brag about horses? What does that say about your insecurities? You must be some kind of really strange person to want to babble about something like that. Like, what do you want? At the end of the conversation, everyone goes out and buys 100 horses? Or Owls. Everyone is like: Oh, Owls are so old and wise! Yeah, well maybe some are, but they're probably just putting you on, because what great thing has an owl ever done? Make an owl pellet? Those are for children!
Always pretend to know a cab driver or valet. This pertains to me a lot because I am in a location where there are motor-vehicles. If you are somewhere without cars, like the jungle, this might not apply to you. The basis is twofold: First off, everyone will think you know every cab driver and valet in the city, and they'll think, "Hmm, this guy really knows how to network!", which is an impressive thing. Secondly, the cab drivers and valets will all question themselves at first, and wonder where you know them from. They might be extra friendly to you at first, because they don't want to be rude, but if you ever seen them again, you can pretend to know them again, but this time it will be for real. That is called 'rapport'.
Scoff whenever asked to use a pen with that ball-chain attached like at the bank. This is one of the absolute best PQG's, but it's not for everyone. This is a good PQG if you're at the bank sometimes, or maybe a chinese-takeout place. People sometimes will ask you to sign something, or fill out a piece of paper. Be like, "Oh, I don't have a pen" and they will point out the ball-chain pen. When they do this, scoff, and act like you're not sure if they're serious. They will be insulted that their pen was not good enough, and then they will eventually get the hint, and install a fine fountain pen. Then, everywhere you go will have really nice pens to write with. Other people will think that this is because you are a classy guy. And hey, they'll be right!
Never use a public restroom if more than 30% of its surfaces are covered in blood. This PQG is good if you're around voodoo a lot. Not so useful otherwise, but still smart. You see, if you go into a restroom, and the ceiling and walls are dripping blood, and there's a skeleton and the toilets and sinks are full of blood, is it a good idea to use that restroom? Probably not. But now, imagine a clean restroom, which is sparkly and has automatic sensors on the sink and toilet. Is it safe to use? Yes. So where do we draw the line? 70% blood? 50% blood? 10% blood? No. 30% is the correct number.
Every time I put furniture together, I keep all the extra parts and cheap tools that come with it for assembly. This PQG is great if you're living in the big city. Every time you put furniture together, it comes with maybe some extra parts, and then an allen wrench or something to help with assembly. Keep those extra parts, and put them somewhere, then when somebody needs to assemble something, you just offer them whatever they need, and they're like, "Wow, that's impressive, like a handy man. I'll invite them to my next party."
Forget to know answers sometimes. This is a good PQG that is one of my favorites! Sometimes, someone will come up to you and ask you "How do I get to third street" or "Where is the remote control?" or "Why is all this stuff here?" and you can just act like you don't know at all! Being humble is a virtue, and nothing is more humble than straight pretending like you don't know something. This will make people think you're a really great guy, and always want to be around you.
Of course that's not all of them, but you get the idea. These are just some rules I follow so that I know I'm always an upstanding guy, and one for the ladies to like. Try it yourself, for great success!
I am not a jealous man, or a liar, so I am going to share one of my favorite being-sexy tips with you today. It is called my Personal Quality Guarantee, or PQG for short. These are just simple rules which I abide by, in order to only expose myself to the highest quality of life, and the best things. By following these rules, I can be sexy not only when the situation is right, but all the time, simply because I am always doing my best!
Your PQG's will differ from mine of course, because not everyone has the same things around them and life happenings, but everyone can make some simple rules to live by, and have a better time! I will give you some of my PQG's here, so that you have the best role model for which to base your life:
I will not eat anything that has been in another person's mouth. This PQG is fairly basic, and you can probably use this one too! Something that has been in the mouth of another person is probably not something you want to eat. The logic is simple: They did not want to eat it after it was in their mouth, so you will probably think the same. This rule can be bent though. For example, if someone really great put something in their mouth, and then decided not to eat it, maybe it is still ok, and they just were having a moment or something. Also, this generally only applies to food. A retainer, for example, should not be eaten, but only because it's not a food. It's supposed to go in a mouth and then out again.
Never give an animal the benefit of the doubt. This is another rule which is more like, a commandment, rather than something all crazy. You can use this one as well. For example, a lot of people will talk about how smart horses are, and all the things they can do, but this is just stupid! Why do you need to brag about horses? What does that say about your insecurities? You must be some kind of really strange person to want to babble about something like that. Like, what do you want? At the end of the conversation, everyone goes out and buys 100 horses? Or Owls. Everyone is like: Oh, Owls are so old and wise! Yeah, well maybe some are, but they're probably just putting you on, because what great thing has an owl ever done? Make an owl pellet? Those are for children!
Always pretend to know a cab driver or valet. This pertains to me a lot because I am in a location where there are motor-vehicles. If you are somewhere without cars, like the jungle, this might not apply to you. The basis is twofold: First off, everyone will think you know every cab driver and valet in the city, and they'll think, "Hmm, this guy really knows how to network!", which is an impressive thing. Secondly, the cab drivers and valets will all question themselves at first, and wonder where you know them from. They might be extra friendly to you at first, because they don't want to be rude, but if you ever seen them again, you can pretend to know them again, but this time it will be for real. That is called 'rapport'.
Scoff whenever asked to use a pen with that ball-chain attached like at the bank. This is one of the absolute best PQG's, but it's not for everyone. This is a good PQG if you're at the bank sometimes, or maybe a chinese-takeout place. People sometimes will ask you to sign something, or fill out a piece of paper. Be like, "Oh, I don't have a pen" and they will point out the ball-chain pen. When they do this, scoff, and act like you're not sure if they're serious. They will be insulted that their pen was not good enough, and then they will eventually get the hint, and install a fine fountain pen. Then, everywhere you go will have really nice pens to write with. Other people will think that this is because you are a classy guy. And hey, they'll be right!
Never use a public restroom if more than 30% of its surfaces are covered in blood. This PQG is good if you're around voodoo a lot. Not so useful otherwise, but still smart. You see, if you go into a restroom, and the ceiling and walls are dripping blood, and there's a skeleton and the toilets and sinks are full of blood, is it a good idea to use that restroom? Probably not. But now, imagine a clean restroom, which is sparkly and has automatic sensors on the sink and toilet. Is it safe to use? Yes. So where do we draw the line? 70% blood? 50% blood? 10% blood? No. 30% is the correct number.
Every time I put furniture together, I keep all the extra parts and cheap tools that come with it for assembly. This PQG is great if you're living in the big city. Every time you put furniture together, it comes with maybe some extra parts, and then an allen wrench or something to help with assembly. Keep those extra parts, and put them somewhere, then when somebody needs to assemble something, you just offer them whatever they need, and they're like, "Wow, that's impressive, like a handy man. I'll invite them to my next party."
Forget to know answers sometimes. This is a good PQG that is one of my favorites! Sometimes, someone will come up to you and ask you "How do I get to third street" or "Where is the remote control?" or "Why is all this stuff here?" and you can just act like you don't know at all! Being humble is a virtue, and nothing is more humble than straight pretending like you don't know something. This will make people think you're a really great guy, and always want to be around you.
Of course that's not all of them, but you get the idea. These are just some rules I follow so that I know I'm always an upstanding guy, and one for the ladies to like. Try it yourself, for great success!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
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