Personal Quality Guarantee

Recently, a friend asked me: Big Dave, how do you all the time stay so sexy and everything you wear looks good on you?

I am not a jealous man, or a liar, so I am going to share one of my favorite being-sexy tips with you today. It is called my Personal Quality Guarantee, or PQG for short. These are just simple rules which I abide by, in order to only expose myself to the highest quality of life, and the best things. By following these rules, I can be sexy not only when the situation is right, but all the time, simply because I am always doing my best!

Your PQG's will differ from mine of course, because not everyone has the same things around them and life happenings, but everyone can make some simple rules to live by, and have a better time! I will give you some of my PQG's here, so that you have the best role model for which to base your life:

I will not eat anything that has been in another person's mouth. This PQG is fairly basic, and you can probably use this one too! Something that has been in the mouth of another person is probably not something you want to eat. The logic is simple: They did not want to eat it after it was in their mouth, so you will probably think the same. This rule can be bent though. For example, if someone really great put something in their mouth, and then decided not to eat it, maybe it is still ok, and they just were having a moment or something. Also, this generally only applies to food. A retainer, for example, should not be eaten, but only because it's not a food. It's supposed to go in a mouth and then out again.

Never give an animal the benefit of the doubt. This is another rule which is more like, a commandment, rather than something all crazy. You can use this one as well. For example, a lot of people will talk about how smart horses are, and all the things they can do, but this is just stupid! Why do you need to brag about horses? What does that say about your insecurities? You must be some kind of really strange person to want to babble about something like that. Like, what do you want? At the end of the conversation, everyone goes out and buys 100 horses? Or Owls. Everyone is like: Oh, Owls are so old and wise! Yeah, well maybe some are, but they're probably just putting you on, because what great thing has an owl ever done? Make an owl pellet? Those are for children!

Always pretend to know a cab driver or valet. This pertains to me a lot because I am in a location where there are motor-vehicles. If you are somewhere without cars, like the jungle, this might not apply to you. The basis is twofold: First off, everyone will think you know every cab driver and valet in the city, and they'll think, "Hmm, this guy really knows how to network!", which is an impressive thing. Secondly, the cab drivers and valets will all question themselves at first, and wonder where you know them from. They might be extra friendly to you at first, because they don't want to be rude, but if you ever seen them again, you can pretend to know them again, but this time it will be for real. That is called 'rapport'.

Scoff whenever asked to use a pen with that ball-chain attached like at the bank. This is one of the absolute best PQG's, but it's not for everyone. This is a good PQG if you're at the bank sometimes, or maybe a chinese-takeout place. People sometimes will ask you to sign something, or fill out a piece of paper. Be like, "Oh, I don't have a pen" and they will point out the ball-chain pen. When they do this, scoff, and act like you're not sure if they're serious. They will be insulted that their pen was not good enough, and then they will eventually get the hint, and install a fine fountain pen. Then, everywhere you go will have really nice pens to write with. Other people will think that this is because you are a classy guy. And hey, they'll be right!

Never use a public restroom if more than 30% of its surfaces are covered in blood. This PQG is good if you're around voodoo a lot. Not so useful otherwise, but still smart. You see, if you go into a restroom, and the ceiling and walls are dripping blood, and there's a skeleton and the toilets and sinks are full of blood, is it a good idea to use that restroom? Probably not. But now, imagine a clean restroom, which is sparkly and has automatic sensors on the sink and toilet. Is it safe to use? Yes. So where do we draw the line? 70% blood? 50% blood? 10% blood? No. 30% is the correct number.

Every time I put furniture together, I keep all the extra parts and cheap tools that come with it for assembly. This PQG is great if you're living in the big city. Every time you put furniture together, it comes with maybe some extra parts, and then an allen wrench or something to help with assembly. Keep those extra parts, and put them somewhere, then when somebody needs to assemble something, you just offer them whatever they need, and they're like, "Wow, that's impressive, like a handy man. I'll invite them to my next party."

Forget to know answers sometimes. This is a good PQG that is one of my favorites! Sometimes, someone will come up to you and ask you "How do I get to third street" or "Where is the remote control?" or "Why is all this stuff here?" and you can just act like you don't know at all! Being humble is a virtue, and nothing is more humble than straight pretending like you don't know something. This will make people think you're a really great guy, and always want to be around you.

Of course that's not all of them, but you get the idea. These are just some rules I follow so that I know I'm always an upstanding guy, and one for the ladies to like. Try it yourself, for great success!