Looking to impress a special lady? Show her how much wine you can drink at once! But how, if you don't know about wine? Getting a good wine experience is a hard thing to do, because wine is one of the finer things in life, and that means sometimes it takes some work. But don't worry! I'm going to show you exactly how to get some great wine, and enjoy it too!
So where do you get wine? There are three places: The Store, Make it yourself, Somebody else makes it. Of course the easiest way to get wine is to go to the store, but think about it, wine didn't start magically, people used to make it by hand, and you can do this too!! Just imagine putting a bunch of your own wine into a bottle, and keeping it in your cellar for over 100 years! What class!! But that is not the easiest way, so I'm going to focus on going to the store. Also, if someone else has made the wine, like maybe a good buddy, drink up, because you won't live forever anyway, and if your friend's wine kills you, what a great prank!
There are different kinds of stores with different kinds of wine. Don't be a dumbass, and make sure that you go to a store with lots of wine. And don't be a d-bag when you go to the store. If you walk in there all looking like an ass and knocking stuff over, nobody is going to want to talk to you or anything. You'll probably get shunned.
So how do you pick out a good wine? Really dumb people will pick a bottle up, and read the label. Hah! Why is this so stupid? Go get two bottles of wine, and compare the labels. They say EXACTLY THE SAME THING. They just change the positioning and the colors so that you don't notice!
No, the only way to really tell if a wine is good is to taste it, but that's frowned upon in the store. Also, since they all get you drunk, you're not going to remember what the bottle looked like anyway, and if you liked it! Because of this, when you buy a bottle of wine, buy a full case (36) of them at once. That way if the wine is good, you already have a ton of it to enjoy! And if it's bad, what are you buying all that wine for if you don't like it?
So how do you select a wine? There are a lot of options:
Basically, you can buy any kind you want, as long as it is not white zinfandel. If you buy this and show it to a lady, she will think you are gay, but hey, that's ok! Being gay is a great way to get the ladies too!!
The main kinds of wine are this: Red Wine, White Wine, Box Wine, Mead, and Other
Red wine is a lot like grape juice. Don't try to act like it is not. To test this, get some grape juice and drink it. Bam. Same freaking thing.
White wine is a more refined wine, which is made by running a red wine through a coffee filter basically (think of a larger scale). This wine is better for the ladies, because it doesn't turn their whole mouth red and it looks like you're a wine-o.
Box wine is a party wine, used for playing Edward Box-Wine-Head Hands. Here is how you do that: For each person at your party, you will need one box of wine. Using duct-tape, tape the box of wine to the side of their head, and then put a tube from the opening on the box wine so the person can drink it. Then basically everyone drinks the wine and has a great time. Also, once the syphon effect starts, there is wine all over! What a great party!
Mead is wine made from honey, instead of grapes. Nobody is sure how they do this.
Other wine is great too, like Boones Farm or Thunderbird. If you drink a whole bottle of thunderbird by yourself, it turns your teeth black! Great if your son or daughter is a goth or emo. Other 'other' wines might be like, novelty wine that you buy at Spencers Gifts shaped like a dong or something.
Wine can be all kinds of prices, but there's a safe, legal trick to get you to save a whole bunch of money on your wine! Nobody knows what wine is really worth, so just bring a marker with you to the store, and when you see a wine you want, scratch out the price or barcode and write $3 on the bottle! then when you get to the cashier, tell them it's half off! They'll think you're the smartest shopper ever!
You can drink wine alone, but that is called an alcoholic. To really enjoy wine, you need a lady with you. This is even true if you're a lady! Two dudes drinking some wine together just doesn't really do it. If there are two dudes together, and #1 on the priority list is drinking some wine, well... I don't know what your plans are for the evening, but probably something strange.
Some wine aficionados will tell you that there are 5 characteristics to look for in wine: Scent, Taste, Sight, Touch, and Sound. This is not true, and is just a way that people try to look smart. All you really have to do is make sure there's nothing in your glass that there shouldn't be. If something came out of the bottle that is not wine-like, like machinery parts, or maybe there's floaty stuff in it or fungus, then you need to get that out before you drink it. Wine is like cheese, it's ok if there's stuff in it, and sometimes it makes it better! You'll know if you like a wine immediately, based on if it tastes good or not. If it's great, then you love it! And if it's bad, then you probably don't want to drink it again, but you've got 35 other bottles, so shouldn't have done that, huh?
Armed with this new information, you're probably ready to go enjoy some wine! Just remember to take it easy. If you drink a lot of wine, and throw up, it's pretty nasty, and nobody is going to think you're cool. Also, you'll be covered in throw up, or you'll throw up in somebody's living room, and that's just nasty man!!!
So go have a good time, and be a little classy for me! I know you will!
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