ASSASSINATION

People, this post is of the utmost importance. Just yesterday there was an attempt on my life by an ASSASSIN. This is NOT the first, nor will it be the last attempt to end my suffering, most likely. Throughout my years, I have watched William Shatner pilot a space ship, intimidate a hotel owner, host a talk show, and sing a cover of a cure song. Why have I lived such a rich life? Only a fool would ask that. It is because I have not been assassinated.

Here are some tips for you to help survive assassination. Remember that I am a professional, and that simply reading things will not make you skilled, so practice until you are pefrect:

POISONS:
Poisons are some of the most common ways to assassinate people. If you're trying to get one kill, try to poison only a specific person, maybe with a blow gun. If you are trying to kill a whole town, poison their well. So how do you avoid these dangers? Become an expert at staying alive, and do it fast. First off, ALWAYS MAKE SOMEONE DRINK BEFORE YOU DO and then wait a few seconds to see if they die. This could be in a public restroom, or even at the public park. Secondly, if you ever order a drink and it is brought to you in a closed container, such as a can or bottle, they are probably trying to poison you, because if it weren't poison, obviously, someone else would probably have had some. It's not like you're the bees knees. Finally, beware of glasses of water. Many poisons are tasteless and colorless and odorless, just like water (unless you are in detroit). So what better place to put something like that, than with something else JUST LIKE THAT.

DAMES:
Did you know that roughly 50% of assassins are women? Why is this number so high? Because women are specially trained to kill in some instances, obviously. How do you avoid such a common threat as something that happens one in two times? Again, the answer is simple. Dames are almost always trying to poison you. So for the solution to that, see the section above this.

Firearms:
Long-Distance Assassination has made history on man occasions through use of the gun. Also no weapon holds more bullets than the commonly used gun. If used in a specific way, a single bullet can kill a man. So how do you avoid each and every bullet? The answer to this is not so simple, because it is called 'being aware' and can not be taught. The principle boils down to this: If someone is aiming a gun at you, there may be danger. Unless you develop a technology that can figure out where every gun in the world is at every second, you will have to rely on good old fashioned Native American Spirit Senses in order to determine this. John Kenedy, not native american, Abe Lincoln, not native american. John Wilks Booth, not native american. All of these men have one thing in common: Assassinations. A good spirit guide, or native american senses, can alert you to danger, until it is your time to join your ancestors. I have no clue how to find either of these things.

ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE:
Lots of times when you're being assassinated, the person will make it look like you've gone and killed yourself. Why? Because it fools the police, every single time. This is a simple one to get around. Every so often, mail some of the people you know some anti-suicide letters. Just make it say, "Hey, this is #{your_name} and everything is pretty good. Not suspiciously good, but good enough that I'm doing pretty well. I definitely would not commit suicide." And send them off. Then, if someone sets you up, everyone will know.

"John sent me a letter last week saying he wasn't going to kill himself, and now he's killed himself? SUSPICIOUS." is what they'll say.

BLENDING IN:
Anyone who has played TIME ASSASSIN or the new TIME ASSASSIN 2 video game knows that it is important to blend in when you're an assassin. This isn't as easy as just holding a button when you're around monks though, unfortunately. Actually it kind of is. All you really have to do to blend in is not be an asshole and cause a ruckus. You can blend in with movie theater workers just by wearing a movie theater uniform, or blend in at a book club by just bringing the right book and not having a mohawk. Or blend in at a walmart. So what now? You can locate assassins in disguise just by interrogating people. For instance, if someone is at a movie theater, ask them what movies are playing, and then ask them which way to go to get to theater 4. Or if you're at a drive in, ask them how much everything is at the concession stand and if they have to look up the prices they're probably an assassin. Or at the book club, ask them a bunch of questions about the book, like where they got it. Ask them really specific questions, and if they get defensive then they're probably a liar.

Obviously the job of the assassin is pretty easy, since you can do basically any one of a hundred things. The job of avoiding assassins is not so easy, but as I said, train and train a lot, and you will have success.