Crysis

I was looking over the info for the game Crysis on Wikipedia and came across this line:

"In Crysis, the player fights both North Korean, and extraterrestrial enemies..."

That just tickled me.  The way I read that, it implies that those are the two general types of enemies.  And you get to fight both of them.  Kinda like, "What kind of music do you usually have here?"  "We got both kinds!  Country, and western!"

What could have been

The year is drawing to a close, and those of you who know me know that I am now a consultant.  It's this time of year I like to look back on everything that's happened, and reflect on what is, and what could have been.  While I have chosen the path of a consultant, that was certainly not my only consideration.  Here's just a few of my other options:

Kindergarden Cop: While I do have a computer science degree and enough technical knowledge to fill a pamphlet, computers aren't my only passion.  I also love justice, and what better place to dish it out than in Kindergarden?  First off, the kids are younger, so your justice can have a bigger impact.  Secondly, the kids are like, small, so you can basically stomp on them if they get out of hand.  Tertiarily, there has never been a greater need for cops in school, because kids are shooting each other and themselves like, every week.  "Billy, put those guns down!"    Book em, Dan o'

Bounty Hunter: Often while I was sitting in the computer lab pulling a 40-minute-er, I'd think, 'wow, I could ditch all of this, and just run off and become a bounty hunter.  No more tests, no more lab things, just me and the bounties'.  It was a good thought, and I think I would have made an excellent bounty hunter.  You see, most people think it's just about beating people down and breaking doors, but being a bounty hunter is all about being social, and resourceful, because the hardest part of the job is figuring out what the hell you're supposed to be doing.  Like, as a programmer, I'm often told to make something do something, but as a bounty hunter, you don't know what you're supposed to do at all!  You can't just grab the first person you see and take em' in, because odds are they're not bountied.  So... yeah.

Stretch Armstrong: There have been so many times when I could have used stretch armstrong.  Not like, THE stretch armstrong, but just a stretch armstrong.  Not the toy, either.  Like, if I drop something while I'm walking over a grate, and I can't get what I dropped, just stretch that shit down in there and get it.  Or if there's something on a shelf that I can't reach, or if a guardrail is broken and someone needs to stretch between the two posts and keep cars from going off the road.  Was I the right man for the job?  Probably.

Bowyer: I've played enough games and been in the hunting section of walmart enough to know a lot about bows and bow construction, as well as bow operation.  Here, it's not an issue of whether or not I would be a Master Bowyer.  I would be.  But it's an issue of if we actually need more bows.  Now that castles are rarely under siege, and police use tazers and batons and guns, and highwaymen aren't really common, the demand for bows has diminished.  Even my high-quality bows are generally unneeded.  And so again, I pass.

That's just a sampling of the things I had to consider before taking this position.  I think things will turn out pretty well over all.  Other people will fill the positions I have declined, and perhaps people more fit for those positions.  Probably not.  My The Ultimate Skills Of The Worker can't just be thrown around all willy-nilly though.

Diamonds are for cheap

The number of things about diamonds that piss me off to no end are almost without limit.  Diamonds signify such a combination of waste, idiocy, carelessness, stupidity, and gullibility, that I am positively dumbfounded that so many diamond retailers can stay in business.

Don't get me wrong, I've bought diamonds before.  They're not all bad.  They look neat, shine, are a fashion accessory... but I've also bough mayonnaise, and it's good too.  It's white, tastes good, can be turned into a variety of sauces...

The first thing that kills me about diamonds, is how people think they mean something.  Like, some African claws it out of a pit for 5 cents a day, it gets polished up, some idiot in America buys it, gives it to his girlfriend, and that's supposed to mean something.  And it does.  I'll tell you exactly what it means.  It means you're an asshole.

I'm not saying diamonds aren't rare.  Although I don't think they are.  I've never been aware of a diamond shortage.  Like I've never been doing something, and I'm like, 'Shit...I need more diamonds, but there just aren't any to be had' or 'I'd love to show you what a diamond looks like, but nobody has a diamond.  Not anyone I know, or anyone in the area or state or country.'  Even if they are rare, that doesn't mean anything though.  I see diamonds all the god damn time.  If that makes them rare, then Rhino shit must be like, the rarest substance on earth.  I'd love to give that to someone I love.  Amber, here, I found this.  Rhino shit.  Rarest substance on earth.  I love you, baby.

So what exactly makes a diamond such a special token of love?  Fuck if I know.  If being the product of slave labor, being the most common ear-adornment in the world, and looking like glass doesn't make something the very symbol of love, then I don't know what the hell does.

If it wasn't enough for diamonds to be worthless, the gimmicks that the jewelry people come up with to sell this shit is absolutely laughable.  One of my favorite tactics is making up new 'cuts' with these awesome names because somebody somewhere suddenly discovered that a diamond is more 'brilliant' if it's cut by some moron in a different shape.  Light reflecting and refracting and splitting and doing its thing all up inside of a substance is physics, and the 'perfect cut' or the 'majestic cut' or the 'ideal cut' diamond... look I don't even need to go any farther.  If you really believe that crap, jump into a river with a grenade.

I think it was about...5 years ago, that they came out with this three diamond set thing that people just wad all over now.  They put three diamonds in a row, and call it Past, Present, and Future.  You see, it's simple.  The diamonds represent the past, present, and the future, and by giving them to a loved one, you... well, you know.  Something.  It means specialness.  Yeah, that's it.  First off, that's crap.  Three diamonds together represents three different aspects of time.  Sure.  And three bong hits represent the three pillars of agriculture.  And my ass, that represents the freedom of China.  And the moon represents healthy eating.  God, talk about bullshit.  But people love it.  They eat that shit up like... well... like mayonnaise.

So the three diamond thing was great, but now, even better, we've got seven diamonds together, which represents the journey.  No, we don't specify.  Apparently the relationship journey, or whatever the hell that means, you know.  Shit, it doesn't even matter.  People will buy it.

Anyway.  If you want diamonds, go for it.  I'm not gonna stop you.  And it's not like you have anything better to spend your money on.  Buy the biggest chunk of that rock you can, and give it to ol' Bessy Sue-Jane or whatever the hell you call her.  It's sure to signify your undying love, or the concept of time, or the journey of the indians, or whatever the shit they make up.  Just know that when I compliment you on the size of that rock, and I'm giving you a blank stare, it's because you're a moron, you jackass.

Friendly Holiday Travel Reminder

Note to Self

I don't remember being younger than 11 really, but I think I was afraid of dogs when I was really little. This makes sense, because they have teeth and bite you, which is how they kill. I think I got over this because my parents got a dog for us, which was half Boxer and half Rotweiler. Her name was Sophie, and she was like, 100 pounds. So now when people think their scrawny little pitbull is all fierce, I put them in their place by grabbing it, and punching it in the face.

So note to self: when I have kids, I have to get a big-ass scary dog for them.

Understudyin'

I never auditioned for the lead role in a play. And therefore, I never got the role, but if I ever did audition and got to be an understudy, I would totally not even pay attention to the play at all. Like, I'd show up for practice and whatnot, but I'd basically just zone out the whole time, and I'd never read the script.

You see, most people don't understand the actual role of the understudy. If somebody gets a role for a play, it's their job to act out that role. The main character should act out the main character. The understudy...should act out the understudy. That's the job.

When the main person, or whoever, gets killed or dies or whatever, and has to be in the hospital for a while, people go to the play, and they're like, 'The main character isn't here, I wonder what this understudy is like', and of course, you're high, because you've been smoking it up back stage for like, an hour, and you don't even know what the play is about. That's the magic of it. Understudy is actually the single most important role in a play, because everyone has seen Much Ado About Nothing, but how many people have seen somebody totally improv an entire roll? Yeah. It's better.