Help Needed

If anyone knows how to train a pony to eat blood, please contact me.

Wild Wacky Action Bike

Snakes

I read about some kinds of snakes which play dead to try and get predators to go away. I bet when the snake is lying there all dead-like, it thinks it's pretty clever, but then I bet if you pick it up and carry it somewhere, it's like, "Oh crap..."

If I ever see a snake playing dead, I'm going to straiten it out into a line.

Rolex yourself into to the Mariana Trench

I'd like to personally thank Rolex for designing their website to automatically resize my browser window, like I can't figure out how to do that my god damn self. Jackasses. Also, it's completely unnavigable. You can design a watch that works 3900 meters underwater, but can't make a website so I can look at fucking watches.

Also, your shit is overpriced.

the larger Rolex Oyster Perpetual is available in steel or a combination of steel and 18c white gold.

Wow! Impressive! Made of steel! Steel! The rarest of all gems! I wonder where they got enough steel to make a whole watch! It probably had to be machined by unique machines found nowhere else in the galaxy since so few people use steel, at least not in any manner which requires even the smallest amount of precision, and watches are among the most sophistocated devices ever invented, and require such extreme precision that no other company ever besides Rolex even have the ability to make products out of extremely rare and precious steel!

Considering the extreme rarity of steel, and watches in general, I can understand why people pay thousands and thousands of dollars for these devices! I mean, out of one million random people, how many of those do you think have the advanced tools needed to figure out what time it is? One? Maybe two? Shit...

Also, what kind of ass-hat wears a watch 3900 meters under water?

The Fall of Bees, The Power of Gaia

There's been a lot of buzz (a pun!) in the new lately about problems with bees not being able to find flowers and such, and not pollinating things. Well I've got news for you, people. This is just a scare tactic by the liberal media to get you to pony up big bucks for old' uncle oil. And no, I don't know what that means.

You see, the way life evolved on this planet, is God created everything about 200 years ago. And it wasn't a rush job either. He took 6 days, and then smoked a doob on the 7th day. So he thought this through really well. You see, contrary to what you may have been taught in school, bees aren't actually the only creature that pollinate things. That's right. Bears do too. You see, if a bear walks by a flower, it can rub all up on it, and get pollen. Then it walks by another flower, and does some rubbing again, and boom, there's your pollination. Problem solved.

Great Advancements In Human Achievement

I have been alive for a god damn long time. Over a year, to give you a better idea. And in that time, I have seen many advancements in human achievement. Those advancements, I like to categorize into two categories: Genius, and Dumb-ass. I will elaborate:

Genius: The electric/hybrid car is a concept that has been around for a long time. Years and years ago, people saw the potential of this machine, and over the past many years, thanks to Great Advancements in Human Achievement, we have overcome the technological hurdles which stood in the way. Now, although dumb motherfuckers still opt to make hybrid SUV's, we have the electric and hybrid car! Genius!

Dumb-ass: For many years now, laundry detergent, or 'soap' as I like to call it, has been available in big honking containers, because it is diluted. This means you buy a big fucking jug of soap, and go through it fast, because it's mostly water, and you have to put a bunch in the laundry. Now, thanks to Great Advancements in Human Achievement, we have double concentrated laundry detergent! This means you only need to use half as much and can either buy a smaller bottle, or get more at a time. What boundaries of science did we have to overcome to have this amazing technology? STOP ADDING FUCKING WATER TO IT, DUMB-ASS.

NetFlix: Get It

I've said it before, but if you don't have Netflix, and you have cable, satalite, or something equally 1990s, you really need to switch.

My favorite thing about Netflix is that I can see a movie whenever I want, be it old, new, whatever. And don't try rubbing all up on my jock telling me that cable and dish have on demand crap. On demand is great if you want to watch a selection of 3 different Adam Sandler movies, or Barbed Wire. If you want access to real movie, you're out of luck.

See, my memory is bad. Like, I remember WATCHING Predator, but I don't exactly remember the story line. Like, I remember Arnold yelling at me to get to the Choppah, but I don't remember why. So now, I can stick it on my Netflix queue, and 2 days later I have the movie to watch. 2 days seems like a long time to wait? Well fuck you. Go to the video store. The key is anticipation. I know I've got time to myself this week, so I put some good guy movies on my queue, like The Road To Perdition, and Philadelphia. Even better though, Netflix has a bunch of movies you can watch online! Not as great as DVD quality on a big screen tv, but still.

Anyway... Netflix isn't paying me to tout the greatness of their service, but they fucking should. That's the summary.

ClearType

I've been at my new job for about 3 months now, and the whole time I knew there was something off about the way the screen on my work laptop looked. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was a notch tackier than I generally find acceptable. I figured it out today.

Control Panel> Display> Appearance> Effects> Use the following method to smooth edges of screen fonts: ClearType.

So much better. With older fonts it doesn't make as much of a difference (at least to me) since they're fairly plain, but with some of the classier fonts (Monaco, GE's Inspira font, hell...even Tahoma), it makes a world of difference.

Now I just need to get them to ditch the Dell in exchange for a Mac.

Work as a Consultant and The Extreme Silence of the Flatulent Woman

So working as a consultant is a little difficult. Not really that it's hard, just that it takes a lot of time.

I have a good job, where I'm a code control lead for a very important project. I take my work very seriously, and am trying to earn the respect of the team. Work can be a little stressful, and it can take a lot of time, but it's not hard. The most difficult part is simply dealing with people who are in a different country.

But I also have an alter-ego, where I work for another company which offers to train me and give me all this great experience, but also wants me to show up for these late classes and meetings, and extend my work into the domain of my personal life.

At times, I wish I didn't have to do the extra work... and then I remember that I don't. I can just do what's required, and get my monthly pay check, and raise at the end of the year, and live just fine. But I want more than that, which is why I'm a consultant. I want the training, the certifications, the experience, and the responsibilities and extra income that are associated with that.

Really, I work full-time for two great companies. I'm not sure I'd buy stock in either (although I'm pretty sure I own stock in GE anyway...), but the people are good, the work is good, and the experience is good!

Nerf: Fuckin' Everything Up Basically

When I was a little kid, there were two ultimate weapons: Nerf guns, and Super Soakers. Of course, the super soakers were preferred, because they essentially had unlimited ammo (water), but nerf was good too. Basically, nerf had a whole assortment of weapons, but they all used one of three kinds of ammo: Small Darts, Large Missiles, or Balls. Supersoaker had two main models, the 50, and the 100. They were reliable, accurate, and when you ran out of ammo, you could beat the other kid with it, because it was sturdy. There were others around that same time, such as the 30 and 150, but everyone knew that the 20 was underpowered, and the 150 wasn't as reliable as the 100 or 50. Also, the supersoakers had largely interchangeable parts, as the bottles for the 30, 50, and 100 could be swapped in many instances.

Q: How hard is it to stick with something that works?
A: Apparently pretty fucking hard.

So now, Nerf has these guns that shoot a dozen weapon-specific projectiles in the most unconventional way, so the thing doesn't work right, or on the rare occasion that it does, it launches all of your projectiles and you never find the one again, and you can't go to the store and buy it, because there's no consistency and they can't sell extra packs of 50 different projectiles, and then the air bladder springs a leak, or one of the clips that holds a thing inside it breaks, and the whole thing is a big piece of non-recyclable crap, and don't get me started on super soaker. What the shit is an aquashock hydrablitz? There was a time when you learned the power of a good weapon, or you got beaten with one, and then learned the power of a good weapon, so either way you learned the power of a good weapon. Kids these days are too busy jacking themselves off over their oozinator 3400XC to know what the crap things do.

Desktop Practices

I can tell I've been spending too much time at work, because my computer at home has like, 7 icons on the desktop. I almost never let it get that messy! And I could clean them up right now, but I need to prioritize this precious free time.

On the other hand... my work computer is absolutely immaculate. I happen to know that both partitions are defragmented, cache is cleared, desktop is clean, and folders are ready to download updated source code when I get in on Monday morning.

Ugh.

Medical Advice

The key to getting a heart transplant, is getting on the list early. Even if you're in perfect health, have your doctor start finding extra hearts to stockpile for you.