As you all know, I'm so deep in this election shit that I can barely see. My eyes are literally full of election materials. Literally. Many have been waiting for this moment for years, but I am ready to announce my support for the candidate which I believe will usher us into a new age of awesomeness: Barack Obama.
It was not an easy decision, and know that I took my time deciding. The major factors were:
1> John McCain is a fucker
2> How do you spell Barack Obama?
3> Which candidate is most likely to use the song 'Rock of Ages' by Def Leppard at some point during their presidency?
After using The Google to find Obama's name and figure out how to spell it correctly, I believe he is the best man for the job, other than me and my random constituents.
I have established an election headquarters for the general area of Northern-West-Hamilton in my bedroom, from which I will be delivering updates, minutely, via my twitter account, just like other credible individuals from the news and whatnot:
http://twitter.com/bigdavesmith
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND:
I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND, I WILL CONTINUE PERFORMING AMAZING FEATS. NEVER BEFORE HAS A MOUTH WASH BEEN ABLE TO LAST MORE THAN 12 HOURS. 12 HOURS, A MAGICAL BARRIER BETWEEN WHICH MOUTHWASH CAN NOT PENETRATE. MOUTH WASH COULD BE MADE, AND IT COULD BE MADE FOR OVERNIGHT, OR IT COULD BE MADE FOR 12 HOURS, BUT NEVER MORE. IT IS MY INTENTION TO BREAK THIS BARRIER, ONCE AND FOR ALL, SO THAT MOUTHWASH MAY LAST ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, BEYOND 12 HOURS, BEYOND 24 HOURS, BEYOND 48 HOURS, AND INTO THE FUTURE!!! MOUTHWASH MAY EVEN BECOME PERMANENT, WHICH WOULD BE HAVING YOUR TEETH REMOVED, AND PEPPERMINTS PUT IN THERE, BUT EVEN THAT WOULD ONLY LAST UNTIL YOU DROOLED ALL UP THE PEPPERMINTS, SO WE'RE NOT QUITE THERE YET, ARE WE?
THIS FEAT WILL BENEFIT ALL OF MANKIND, AND I WILL GIVE OF IT COMPLETELY FREELY.
THIS FEAT WILL BENEFIT ALL OF MANKIND, AND I WILL GIVE OF IT COMPLETELY FREELY.
Education Hour
Thank you for stopping in on my blog. For the next hour, I will be explaining the entomology of variations of the term 'homosexual'. I have been reading books since the 1600s, and am lingually competent in over almost half a dozen dialects. This post is not meant to be derogatory in any way to people of the same-people loving pursuasion. It is not well known, but I actually do not care about what people like, or do with other people, or anything really. I just absolutely do not give a shit about what any of you do. You could go fuck a beehive for all I care, and I really would not even notice. Like it'd be tuned out. This post is simply for the purpose of education, so that you do not have to travel to England and search the Tomb of Muntabi for ancient scripts which reveal true meaning. You can sit there and read. You lazy ass.
Faggot - Perhaps the most well known of terms we will be discussing here tonight, it is commonly known that the term Faggot actually means 'a bundle of sticks'. Assuming you know the male anatomy, that explains the sticks part. Now, to complete the desiccation of this word, we must reverse-pluralize. If there were many sticks together, that might be assumed to be a bundle, which is an efficient way to carry such an item. Then by combining the plural sticks into one bundle, you get a faggot. Don't think about it too hard.
Sword Fighter - This one is kind of hard to explain. Like just if two guys were nekkid... and like, just imagine a sword fight. You might figure it out. I'm not going to really go into this.
Butt Pirate - Also not really easy to explain. I'm going to skip.
Fudge Packer - Some of these are just not easy to talk about.
Pole Smoker - Ok, so this one is dooable. If we go back to the faggot one... that's like, we talked about sticks, right? And if you smoked a stick or something... never mind.
Queer - Queer means strange, from latin or some shit, and Catholics think gay people are strange, so there you go.
Homo - Can't figure this one out, really. The nearest I can get is a transformation of 'holo', from the latin 'holographus' or 'to-write'. So maybe like, supposing that gay people write more than strait people? But then I'm not sure how that's derogatory.
Faggot - Perhaps the most well known of terms we will be discussing here tonight, it is commonly known that the term Faggot actually means 'a bundle of sticks'. Assuming you know the male anatomy, that explains the sticks part. Now, to complete the desiccation of this word, we must reverse-pluralize. If there were many sticks together, that might be assumed to be a bundle, which is an efficient way to carry such an item. Then by combining the plural sticks into one bundle, you get a faggot. Don't think about it too hard.
Sword Fighter - This one is kind of hard to explain. Like just if two guys were nekkid... and like, just imagine a sword fight. You might figure it out. I'm not going to really go into this.
Butt Pirate - Also not really easy to explain. I'm going to skip.
Fudge Packer - Some of these are just not easy to talk about.
Pole Smoker - Ok, so this one is dooable. If we go back to the faggot one... that's like, we talked about sticks, right? And if you smoked a stick or something... never mind.
Queer - Queer means strange, from latin or some shit, and Catholics think gay people are strange, so there you go.
Homo - Can't figure this one out, really. The nearest I can get is a transformation of 'holo', from the latin 'holographus' or 'to-write'. So maybe like, supposing that gay people write more than strait people? But then I'm not sure how that's derogatory.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Large Heyanotgonnaremember Collider
We are all going to die. Tomorrow, they are turning on the LHC and it will create fantastic anomalies which will destroy the world, such as Strange matter and black holes. You are not afraid of this, because you will die relatively quickly, but this is not the case with me. I will likely see the black hole coming, and I will reach out and grab it, and hold it back for as long as I can, before my muscles finally fatigue and I am sucked in as well. For those days, or possibly a week that I will be alone in the empty universe with the singularity, it will be very inconvenient for me, and also when I pee, it will be sucked into the black hole I am holding, which will be gross. Like, my hand might get urined. By me.
Also, if the LHC creates some type of Strange matter which transforms, and annihilates all other matter, destroying existence as we know it, I will likely be the only thing unaffected, since with my awesome abilities, I will prevent my personal particles from changing in any way. Again, I will just have to hang out by myself for a long time then. It is possible that I will be surrounded by some type of strange plasma, completely featureless, and it will be boring.
If you're near the LHC, I urge you to disable it with a hammer. If you're dedicated, you can do it, and do a lot before someone actually stops you. That's how I get all that cheap corn at the store.
Also, if the LHC creates some type of Strange matter which transforms, and annihilates all other matter, destroying existence as we know it, I will likely be the only thing unaffected, since with my awesome abilities, I will prevent my personal particles from changing in any way. Again, I will just have to hang out by myself for a long time then. It is possible that I will be surrounded by some type of strange plasma, completely featureless, and it will be boring.
If you're near the LHC, I urge you to disable it with a hammer. If you're dedicated, you can do it, and do a lot before someone actually stops you. That's how I get all that cheap corn at the store.
At your service
Folks! Friends! Family and all visitors! So often today I hear concern about the world, or politics, or the election, or the economy, or the environment. Fear not! For you fear in vain! You are in the presence of one of the world's greatest and most well known philosophers and idea men! There is no quandry which you will bring before me which I can not solve, and everything else? Why I can completely ignore that. It has absolutely no meaning to me. Let me explain:
A lot of people are talking about the race for president, mainly because that Sarah lady looks like Tina Fey (OMF TINA I LOVE YOU!!!@)11 V3) and because Obama is black, which makes him basically like Will Smith in the whitehouse, which is a no brainer. People are worried about which candidate will get elected, and which will not, but it doesn't matter, because no matter who gets elected, when it comes down to it, they're all going to come to me for the right advice, and I'm gonna say the same thing either way.
Were you aware that I have absolutely mastered, with perfect and infallible skill, the ability to negotiate foreign policy? That means I'm the freakin man for the freakin job. Scratch one problem, because I'm already taking care of it.
What about like, the environment? Do you know what to do about that? Kill. You have to kill, and kill and kill and kill absolutely everything that pollutes. Be smart about it, and like, start killing people before they see you, because it's going to be hard to destroy cars and power plants with people all around. And if you kill someone else who is an environmentalist, that's called natural selection, baby, and that's a G-thang to the earth.
And if it's something smaller, like, I can handle that too. It's not a problem. Maybe you've got a problem with your job situation, or you can't figure out how to do some math problem. I'm gonna figure that out. Maybe I'm not going to do the math for you, but I'll be like... Go to Jerry "Math Man" McJingles. He'll tell you the answer. That's not only delegation, which is another skill, but that just makes sense, because you don't want my dumb ass doing your homework. Teacher would think you're dumb as shit.
I heard in the news today that Korea is on the way to being crazy again, and they're all on the news, like... "Oh no! Korea! What will happen?!" God damn... I tell you... some people are just total knobs. If there's some kind of problem in Korea, I'll give you a list of the things I need, in like... 2 hours, and I'll go take care of it. Like for example maybe I'll have a giant plane made, like literally ten times larger than a normal large plane, and I'll just fucking crash it into whatever is causing the problem over there, you know? And like, I don't even mind. If someone else is like, "Hey, you crashed a plane into that country, that's a crime!" I'd just fucking crash a plane into them too. I don't even care. It is absolutely not an inconvenience to me. I could do it for years, and I would not even notice. Maybe another tactic I could use is get the other country leader guy into the united nations, and just lay into him. Like, not even funny. Give him such a shit talking, that you put him right in his place, and there are NO questions. Even follow him out to his car, and then follow his car to his plane, and then get on the plane, and fly back to his country, and just stare at him. Maybe for a day. Epic-style hardcore shit talking right there. That's how a problem gets solved.
At your service.
A lot of people are talking about the race for president, mainly because that Sarah lady looks like Tina Fey (OMF TINA I LOVE YOU!!!@)11 V3) and because Obama is black, which makes him basically like Will Smith in the whitehouse, which is a no brainer. People are worried about which candidate will get elected, and which will not, but it doesn't matter, because no matter who gets elected, when it comes down to it, they're all going to come to me for the right advice, and I'm gonna say the same thing either way.
Were you aware that I have absolutely mastered, with perfect and infallible skill, the ability to negotiate foreign policy? That means I'm the freakin man for the freakin job. Scratch one problem, because I'm already taking care of it.
What about like, the environment? Do you know what to do about that? Kill. You have to kill, and kill and kill and kill absolutely everything that pollutes. Be smart about it, and like, start killing people before they see you, because it's going to be hard to destroy cars and power plants with people all around. And if you kill someone else who is an environmentalist, that's called natural selection, baby, and that's a G-thang to the earth.
And if it's something smaller, like, I can handle that too. It's not a problem. Maybe you've got a problem with your job situation, or you can't figure out how to do some math problem. I'm gonna figure that out. Maybe I'm not going to do the math for you, but I'll be like... Go to Jerry "Math Man" McJingles. He'll tell you the answer. That's not only delegation, which is another skill, but that just makes sense, because you don't want my dumb ass doing your homework. Teacher would think you're dumb as shit.
I heard in the news today that Korea is on the way to being crazy again, and they're all on the news, like... "Oh no! Korea! What will happen?!" God damn... I tell you... some people are just total knobs. If there's some kind of problem in Korea, I'll give you a list of the things I need, in like... 2 hours, and I'll go take care of it. Like for example maybe I'll have a giant plane made, like literally ten times larger than a normal large plane, and I'll just fucking crash it into whatever is causing the problem over there, you know? And like, I don't even mind. If someone else is like, "Hey, you crashed a plane into that country, that's a crime!" I'd just fucking crash a plane into them too. I don't even care. It is absolutely not an inconvenience to me. I could do it for years, and I would not even notice. Maybe another tactic I could use is get the other country leader guy into the united nations, and just lay into him. Like, not even funny. Give him such a shit talking, that you put him right in his place, and there are NO questions. Even follow him out to his car, and then follow his car to his plane, and then get on the plane, and fly back to his country, and just stare at him. Maybe for a day. Epic-style hardcore shit talking right there. That's how a problem gets solved.
At your service.
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