Folks! Friends! Family and all visitors! So often today I hear concern about the world, or politics, or the election, or the economy, or the environment. Fear not! For you fear in vain! You are in the presence of one of the world's greatest and most well known philosophers and idea men! There is no quandry which you will bring before me which I can not solve, and everything else? Why I can completely ignore that. It has absolutely no meaning to me. Let me explain:
A lot of people are talking about the race for president, mainly because that Sarah lady looks like Tina Fey (OMF TINA I LOVE YOU!!!@)11 V3) and because Obama is black, which makes him basically like Will Smith in the whitehouse, which is a no brainer. People are worried about which candidate will get elected, and which will not, but it doesn't matter, because no matter who gets elected, when it comes down to it, they're all going to come to me for the right advice, and I'm gonna say the same thing either way.
Were you aware that I have absolutely mastered, with perfect and infallible skill, the ability to negotiate foreign policy? That means I'm the freakin man for the freakin job. Scratch one problem, because I'm already taking care of it.
What about like, the environment? Do you know what to do about that? Kill. You have to kill, and kill and kill and kill absolutely everything that pollutes. Be smart about it, and like, start killing people before they see you, because it's going to be hard to destroy cars and power plants with people all around. And if you kill someone else who is an environmentalist, that's called natural selection, baby, and that's a G-thang to the earth.
And if it's something smaller, like, I can handle that too. It's not a problem. Maybe you've got a problem with your job situation, or you can't figure out how to do some math problem. I'm gonna figure that out. Maybe I'm not going to do the math for you, but I'll be like... Go to Jerry "Math Man" McJingles. He'll tell you the answer. That's not only delegation, which is another skill, but that just makes sense, because you don't want my dumb ass doing your homework. Teacher would think you're dumb as shit.
I heard in the news today that Korea is on the way to being crazy again, and they're all on the news, like... "Oh no! Korea! What will happen?!" God damn... I tell you... some people are just total knobs. If there's some kind of problem in Korea, I'll give you a list of the things I need, in like... 2 hours, and I'll go take care of it. Like for example maybe I'll have a giant plane made, like literally ten times larger than a normal large plane, and I'll just fucking crash it into whatever is causing the problem over there, you know? And like, I don't even mind. If someone else is like, "Hey, you crashed a plane into that country, that's a crime!" I'd just fucking crash a plane into them too. I don't even care. It is absolutely not an inconvenience to me. I could do it for years, and I would not even notice. Maybe another tactic I could use is get the other country leader guy into the united nations, and just lay into him. Like, not even funny. Give him such a shit talking, that you put him right in his place, and there are NO questions. Even follow him out to his car, and then follow his car to his plane, and then get on the plane, and fly back to his country, and just stare at him. Maybe for a day. Epic-style hardcore shit talking right there. That's how a problem gets solved.
At your service.
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