Large Heyanotgonnaremember Collider

We are all going to die. Tomorrow, they are turning on the LHC and it will create fantastic anomalies which will destroy the world, such as Strange matter and black holes. You are not afraid of this, because you will die relatively quickly, but this is not the case with me. I will likely see the black hole coming, and I will reach out and grab it, and hold it back for as long as I can, before my muscles finally fatigue and I am sucked in as well. For those days, or possibly a week that I will be alone in the empty universe with the singularity, it will be very inconvenient for me, and also when I pee, it will be sucked into the black hole I am holding, which will be gross. Like, my hand might get urined. By me.

Also, if the LHC creates some type of Strange matter which transforms, and annihilates all other matter, destroying existence as we know it, I will likely be the only thing unaffected, since with my awesome abilities, I will prevent my personal particles from changing in any way. Again, I will just have to hang out by myself for a long time then. It is possible that I will be surrounded by some type of strange plasma, completely featureless, and it will be boring.

If you're near the LHC, I urge you to disable it with a hammer. If you're dedicated, you can do it, and do a lot before someone actually stops you. That's how I get all that cheap corn at the store.