I recently made a crass comment on Facebook because I enjoy offending people. Basically I said that Miss California was an idiot and she deserved to lose the Miss USA pageant. But... one of my true friends, and a great man, commented and said that he felt I was incorrect to speak poorly of her. I think very highly of this man, so I feel I am obliged to elaborate for the general public.
This is more of a rant than me making an attempt at comedy, so you may just want to pass. Also if you don't know about the whole Miss USA contestant being afraid of gay people, you might want to check up on that before continuing. The usual disclaimer applies: If you are capable of being offended, are gay, straight, liberal, conservative, jewish, conscious, or dead, please do not read this posting. This is best read while listening to 'Refugee' by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
I'm a cynical douche, so don't bother to correct me here, but I don't think highly of pageant women. Don't get me wrong, if you've got it, flaunt it and all that shit, sure, but being in beauty pageants isn't about that. It's about being the best, whether it be in your city, state, country, or the world. But the best what? The best looking? Nope, because they have talent portions, and ask the girls questions, and shit like that. So what's it about? Being the best douche bag. You get up there, look hot, everyone loves it, then you have to dance around or some shit like that to prove you're a tool, then finally you get to answer simple questions to prove how absolutely stupid and hollow you are. Then the one who did the best job of putting up with it all gets a prize, and cries because they're so happy that they... won... yeah. Good job. There are going to be a thousand teenage boys jacking off to you tonight. The highlight of your life, is something most people would never in their lives stoop to, but we just don't think about it that way, so congratulations.
Now don't hate on me, I'm not saying that's 100% of the time, 100% of the women. If you want to go do that to get your kicks, more power to you. I'm heavily vested in the 'do whatever the fuck you want' camp. But most of these people are trained from a young age, probably abused in more than one way, and this is all they've got. And we admire that, and put it on tv, and stand in our seats and clap for it. And 'fuck you' to everyone who supports this bullshit.
So generalities aside, what I really commented on was this year's contest, where Miss California elegantly stated that in her 'family country' marriage is between 'opposites'. So there are four ways I'd like to analyze this one:
First off, this girl is in a contest to basically prove she doesn't mind being jacked off to, and can act like a tool. She gets asked about gay marriage by a judge who is a well known liberal or progressive or whatever the fuck they're called, and she says she thinks gays don't have rights. That is the stupidest fucking way I can imagine to try and win a beauty pageant. Like, if Snoop Dogg was a judge do you think she would have said that she thinks coloreds should be in the back of the bus? Holy fuck.
Ok, secondly, some people say she is brave for saying what she believed in. So NIGGERS GO TO THE BACK OF THE BUS would have been ok if she believed in that?? Fuck no. Brave might be good in war or some shit like that, and it's great if it keeps you from like, shitting yourself or something, but brave gets you zero points for being offensive or afraid of gay people.
Third, what the fuck is up with this whole gay marriage problem? And this is where I put my two cents. What does Bigfoot have in common with the concept of marriage? Give up? THEY'RE BOTH FUCKING MADE UP. The people who are complaining about gay marriage blow my fucking mind, because it's not like marriage is a tree or air or something that is fucking real and tangible. Nobody is stealing your shiny stones. We're talking about something that was made up by some fucker somewhere between when we crawled out of the ocean and now. I promise you that god is not up there watching who everyone sticks their dick into. He has better shit to do, and if that's what you think is going on, not only does that mean you're a sick fucker, but you think god is a sick fucker too, and that says volumes about your role models. Marriage is just some made up fucking thing made up by a guy thousands of years ago when women were still repressed and treated like objects so that in some way, he could get more sex, and people need to get over it. There's nothing wrong with it. Fuck, like I've been saying, do whatever the hell you want, but stop acting like it's some big important thing. It's just you living your small, inconsequential life in the way you want, and that's what it's all about!
Fourth and finally, everyone who applauds her for saying that marriage should be between opposites, doesn't that mean a cat could marry a dog? So she doesn't think two gay people could get married, but a cat and a dog, sure. What kind of fucked up person is that?
Now to make up for my rant, here is a picture of an apple sucking on a pig that the lovely and talented Natalie Dee did: PigSucker
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