Revelations

Look here. I've got something to tell you that will be usable in the real world. That's right, what I've got to tell you is mad important and will affect you directly! Allow me to explain:

This morning, I stepped into my closet and was reaching up, trying to turn the light on. Then, like magic, it dawned on me... I was having difficulty turning the light on because my light isn't one with a hanging cord, which I was trying to activate, but one with a switch that was on the wall. Woah. What a revelation. You see, it was a revelation, because it was revealed to me that the light switch was on the wall.

Now you're probably like, "Hold up. This guy can't even remember what kind of light he has in his closet, why am I going to listen to this?" That answer is simple. It was just a mistake. But forget about that story, here is a different one:

I have always hated Connan Obrien (I don't know if I spelled his name right, I don't care), for as long as I can remember, but only this week did it really hit me... See, I don't actually hate Connan Obrien. I hate his show, and I hate it because of the writers. Now, that might seem really obvious to all of you, but let me explain. Anybody can be funny. Anybody can tell a joke or get a rise out of people. And some people are really funny, and can always get people to laugh or bust out all crazy style or whatever. But it takes more than that to be a comedy writer. A comedy writer isn't just funny, because nobody wants to pay tickets to see someone who is just average funny. Nobody wants the fucking mail man to have a show where he talks about mail in a witty way all day. Comedy writers have to be 100% funny because that is the maximum amount of funniness possible.

Now, the writers for the Connan show, they're funny. And that's not good enough. But the average person doesn't realize it, because it's still funny. You watch the show and you're like, 'Eh, that was funny. ha ha.' but you don't actually consciously realize that you're just watching somebody's lame bullshit. Like Connan reads the news and some kid got neglected by his parents or something and he makes a reference to Home Alone. Any fucker can pump out that kind of trash it doesn't even take effort, but you still watch it, because it's kind of funny.

So see, I don't hate Connan, and he's actually an ok guy it seems (did a little research), but the people who write for his show are just not that good. And that's what we call a revelation! I revel in the fact that I've got Connan Obrien on my side now. He's on the team, with me. REVELATIONS. That's what this whole thing is about.

See, in the bible, there is an entire chapter about revelations. Why? Why is there an entire chapter?! Because the bible is like instructions for life, and it wants you to know that you need to have more revelations so you're not walking around like a dumbass. Think about it: If everybody had revelations all the time, we'd all be really really smart probably! And you wouldn't have to worry where your keys are all the damn time. Just be like, 'Ah! There they are! All I had to do was look where they were, and then point at them, and tada!'. What you do now is 'I'm wandering around my house like a dumbass, because I put my keys somewhere and don't know where. I'm actually so stupid that I did something, and don't know what I did.'

So how does this affect you? You can put the bible to work for you TODAY. Here is what you do:

Two or three times a day, stop what the hell you're doing, and just try to figure something out. Like look around you for stuff, or think about what's going on, and just figure something out. Then the next time someone asks you 'What's up?', you can tell them you're not as stupid because you did something good for your mind!

Ingest it! I'm Dr. Dave and I just made a house call to your brain!