Check out Nikon's Small Worlds Photomicography winners:
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/10/small_worlds.html
Monday, November 01, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Dying
My uncle Ray died on the shitter. He was taking a poop, and apparently your heart rate slows down when you're doing that, and that was enough to send him to the next world. Part of me think that's a pretty good way to go, and then part of me is like, "No, the only way to die is piloting a train into a blimp full of Nazis and then exploding everybody." Well, my uncle Ray was a pretty good guy, so if dying on the toilet was good enough for him, then it sure as hell is good enough for you.
Death is a touchy subject. Mainly because lets face it, you're all probably going to die. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. Death is our final act in this world, unless we've done some pretty awesome planning, and it's important to do it right. I thought about making a list of acceptable ways to die, but how often do we get to plan that type of thing? It's likely that my advice would go pretty much unused, so I think it's better that we just open a forum here for discussion, and maybe I answer some questions about death and dying from young children. I'm taking these questions from babycenter.com, and I'm not reading the answers they posted. Hell, we're lucky I'm reading the questions.
"What does 'dead' mean?" This is a great first question because this is the kind of stupid shit a kid would ask. Kids are dumb as hell (I was a kid once, so I'm allowed to say this), and basically don't understand how the world works. Dead is when you're not alive anymore. So everything that you'd associate with alive, like breathing, emotions, eating at Dennys, or getting a hand job from the barista out behind a Starbucks... those are 'alive' things. Dead people don't get to do those. They get to do.... NOTHING.
"When will you die?" I'd like to start a business where people give me $20, and then I call them on their cell phone 20 minute before they die, so they can think of some great last words. Of course I'd just take the $20 and go to Starbucks, since I can't predict when people will die. There are, however, great ways to calculate when people will die within a reasonable margin of error, say... give or take 100 years. For example, do you do things to your body that are unhealthy? That means you're gonna die sooner. Do you get drunk as hell and play around near city reservoirs? Yep, death is on your agenda. Basically if you're worried about this question, stop doing stupid shit.
"Why is aunt Sally crying?" I don't know where this came from. Like I said, I'm not really reading as I go through here, so I'm not sure who aunt Sally is, but odds are she found out that her husband was having an affair. She probably suspected it for a while, but had trouble coming to grips with it, and now you're seeing the result.
"When will Grandpa come back? Will he be here for my birthday?" Hah. Yeah, if your kids are asking about people coming back from the grave to attend birthday parties, you may need to re-examine your parenting techniques. A good way to get this point across is what I call 'roadkill shopping' where you go out on the road and look around for all kinds of awesome roadkill. Where does roadkill come from? Dead-ass animals. Do you want that kind of shit at your birthday party? Well... That's pretty morbid, but you've gotta let kids learn for themselves sometimes.
"Can grandma get a new grandpa now?" Yes. They say 40 is the new 30, and that means 70 is the new 80 and 90 is the new 100. Basically old people, thanks to medicine and sexier clothes, can still get jiggy, and that means grandma can not only have a new grandpa, but hey, we're all modern here, how about two or three? I'm not saying I want to see that kind of thing, but if you're old, you need to enjoy life, so go for it!
"Was it my fault?" If your kids are asking you if somebody dying is their fault, it is probably because they have been killing people, and they're feeling you out to see if you're onto them. Reference the documentary, 'The Good Son' for more information.
"Did it hurt the baby to die? Will you die too?" Holy christ. Pass.
"Did uncle John die because he did something bad?" This is a great opportunity to teach your kids about right and wrong, and influence them to be the way you want them to be. Actually, they don't even have to be your kids. If the neighbor kids ask you something like this, work that shit. Did uncle John let his dog shit in your yard? Then that's why he died. Because he was a bastard.
"I remember Daddy used to snuggle with me when I was a baby." This is not a question. A question ends with a question mark.
I hope you've learned a lot today. I actually had hoped to talk a lot more about nazis, but kids today are apparently pretty boring, so we'll touch on that in another post. Also no mention of ninja turtles. I would have even been happy with some my little pony stuff in there, because I remember there was one of those that smelled like cherries. "Do my little ponies die?" Hey, that's also a very positive question because I guess they don't. There's the tv show I think, and they probably don't die there, and then those plastic toys probably survive hundreds of thousands of years. Man. Hundreds of thousands of years of cherry scented ponies. We'll discuss heaven in another post too. Maybe the same post as the nazi killing.
Death is a touchy subject. Mainly because lets face it, you're all probably going to die. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. Death is our final act in this world, unless we've done some pretty awesome planning, and it's important to do it right. I thought about making a list of acceptable ways to die, but how often do we get to plan that type of thing? It's likely that my advice would go pretty much unused, so I think it's better that we just open a forum here for discussion, and maybe I answer some questions about death and dying from young children. I'm taking these questions from babycenter.com, and I'm not reading the answers they posted. Hell, we're lucky I'm reading the questions.
"What does 'dead' mean?" This is a great first question because this is the kind of stupid shit a kid would ask. Kids are dumb as hell (I was a kid once, so I'm allowed to say this), and basically don't understand how the world works. Dead is when you're not alive anymore. So everything that you'd associate with alive, like breathing, emotions, eating at Dennys, or getting a hand job from the barista out behind a Starbucks... those are 'alive' things. Dead people don't get to do those. They get to do.... NOTHING.
"When will you die?" I'd like to start a business where people give me $20, and then I call them on their cell phone 20 minute before they die, so they can think of some great last words. Of course I'd just take the $20 and go to Starbucks, since I can't predict when people will die. There are, however, great ways to calculate when people will die within a reasonable margin of error, say... give or take 100 years. For example, do you do things to your body that are unhealthy? That means you're gonna die sooner. Do you get drunk as hell and play around near city reservoirs? Yep, death is on your agenda. Basically if you're worried about this question, stop doing stupid shit.
"Why is aunt Sally crying?" I don't know where this came from. Like I said, I'm not really reading as I go through here, so I'm not sure who aunt Sally is, but odds are she found out that her husband was having an affair. She probably suspected it for a while, but had trouble coming to grips with it, and now you're seeing the result.
"When will Grandpa come back? Will he be here for my birthday?" Hah. Yeah, if your kids are asking about people coming back from the grave to attend birthday parties, you may need to re-examine your parenting techniques. A good way to get this point across is what I call 'roadkill shopping' where you go out on the road and look around for all kinds of awesome roadkill. Where does roadkill come from? Dead-ass animals. Do you want that kind of shit at your birthday party? Well... That's pretty morbid, but you've gotta let kids learn for themselves sometimes.
"Can grandma get a new grandpa now?" Yes. They say 40 is the new 30, and that means 70 is the new 80 and 90 is the new 100. Basically old people, thanks to medicine and sexier clothes, can still get jiggy, and that means grandma can not only have a new grandpa, but hey, we're all modern here, how about two or three? I'm not saying I want to see that kind of thing, but if you're old, you need to enjoy life, so go for it!
"Was it my fault?" If your kids are asking you if somebody dying is their fault, it is probably because they have been killing people, and they're feeling you out to see if you're onto them. Reference the documentary, 'The Good Son' for more information.
"Did it hurt the baby to die? Will you die too?" Holy christ. Pass.
"Did uncle John die because he did something bad?" This is a great opportunity to teach your kids about right and wrong, and influence them to be the way you want them to be. Actually, they don't even have to be your kids. If the neighbor kids ask you something like this, work that shit. Did uncle John let his dog shit in your yard? Then that's why he died. Because he was a bastard.
"I remember Daddy used to snuggle with me when I was a baby." This is not a question. A question ends with a question mark.
I hope you've learned a lot today. I actually had hoped to talk a lot more about nazis, but kids today are apparently pretty boring, so we'll touch on that in another post. Also no mention of ninja turtles. I would have even been happy with some my little pony stuff in there, because I remember there was one of those that smelled like cherries. "Do my little ponies die?" Hey, that's also a very positive question because I guess they don't. There's the tv show I think, and they probably don't die there, and then those plastic toys probably survive hundreds of thousands of years. Man. Hundreds of thousands of years of cherry scented ponies. We'll discuss heaven in another post too. Maybe the same post as the nazi killing.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
American Eagle Stores - October 2010 Playlist
Ratatat - Wildcat
Magic Man - Heart
Minus The Bear - Knights
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity
Black kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
Blur - Girls & Boys
The Big Pink - Dominos
Kid Cudi, Rostam Batmanglij, Bethany Cosentino - All Summer
LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean
Maroon 5 - Misery
Band of Skulls - Death by Diamonds and Pearls
Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
The Thermals - I Don't Believe You
Justin Timberlake - LoveStoned/I Think She Knows
The Raconteurs - Salute Your Solution
Aerosmith - Love Me Two Times
Kanye West - Champion
Arcade Fire - Modern Man
Discovery - Osaka Loop Line
The Drums - Book of Stories
Black Joe Lewis & The Honey Bears - Boogie
Elvis Costello - Pump It Up
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals - Put It On Me
Modest Mouse - Float On
Phoenix - Second to None
Spoon - Finer Feelings
Surfer Blood - Twin Peaks
The Whigs - Kill Me Carolyne
Tokyo Police Club - Wait Up (Boots of Danger)
Surfer Blood - Fast Jabroni
Dr. Dog - Mirror Mirror
Tim Kasher - Cold Love
Janelle Monáe - Cold War
Magic Man - Heart
Minus The Bear - Knights
Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity
Black kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You
Blur - Girls & Boys
The Big Pink - Dominos
Kid Cudi, Rostam Batmanglij, Bethany Cosentino - All Summer
LCD Soundsystem - Dance Yrself Clean
Maroon 5 - Misery
Band of Skulls - Death by Diamonds and Pearls
Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
The Thermals - I Don't Believe You
Justin Timberlake - LoveStoned/I Think She Knows
The Raconteurs - Salute Your Solution
Aerosmith - Love Me Two Times
Kanye West - Champion
Arcade Fire - Modern Man
Discovery - Osaka Loop Line
The Drums - Book of Stories
Black Joe Lewis & The Honey Bears - Boogie
Elvis Costello - Pump It Up
Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals - Put It On Me
Modest Mouse - Float On
Phoenix - Second to None
Spoon - Finer Feelings
Surfer Blood - Twin Peaks
The Whigs - Kill Me Carolyne
Tokyo Police Club - Wait Up (Boots of Danger)
Surfer Blood - Fast Jabroni
Dr. Dog - Mirror Mirror
Tim Kasher - Cold Love
Janelle Monáe - Cold War
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Las Vegas Strip Clubs
As one of the most knowledgable men in the world, and because I'm going to vegas for a bachelor party, I will be reviewing more than three different strip clubs, so that everyone can know what the REAL deal is in Las Vegas. Here we go:
It is said that size matters. If this is true, which it is, then Sapphire has the upper hand. Sapphire claims to be the world's largest strip club, with over 400 entertainers each night. Now, I don't if 'entertainers' means there will be 400 nekkid broads, but 400 is a lot of entertainment, any way you slice it. Hell, 400 pieces of beef jerky would be sweet as hell. If I went to a club and they were like, "Sir, for your pleasure tonight we have 400 jugglers" I'd be like, "Hell, lets see it. That's a lot of juggling, there's got to be something going on there."
Overall, Sapphire seems to be geared towards people who like to make bad decisions. They offer divorce parties, monday night football parties (Anyone who says they've never punched a woman during football night is a liar), and claim that some of their deals are so good that it is like committing a crime.
It's kind of hard to judge these places based on the girls pictured on the website, because I'm pretty sure these same girls are on every site, but based on one photo I did find which is definitely of the establishment, they have at least one blonde girl. Also, I'm going to guess that because they football night, they probably have some girl who is supposed to be a cheerleader or something. Sapphire also has dudes, as evidenced from the snippet to the left. Imagine a choreographed show featuring a marine, the phantom of the opera, Ken from Streetfighter, and a dude from Wrestlemania. You can't make a joke about that.
Overall, Sapphire lost a lot of points for not saying anything about food on their website, and because the pictures of the place make it look like you might get groped there. I'm giving it 2 out of 5 strippers getting low
Holy crap. Let me just start out by saying that Crazy Horse 3 loves butts. The entire website is covered in butts. There is at least a 4:1 butt to face ratio. Is this a bad thing? YOU be the judge. Their logo is themed like The Godfather logo from the movies, and this is their third try at it, so... third time is a charm, and plus after screwing up twice you probably know what you're doing. Crazy Horse 3 has a hookah bar, a 'rock room' featuring live bands, a nightclub, and from the photos on their website, apparently two large vans parked out front at all times.
Crazy Horse doesn't have as extensive of a website as a lot of clubs, but they make up for it with quality. Every butt on this site looks tight enough to snap a man in two. I'm giving it an Emmy:
I suspect that OG stands for, or stood for, Olympic Gardens, but I could be wrong. It might also stand for Original Gangster or Orange Guice. They have a Flickr account, which isn't really that inspiring, although it does prove that they have at least one cute girl, so I appreciate the honesty.
"Bull Riding, Cowboys, and Georgeous Girls. What more could you want?" I'm totally not sure. Less cowboys probably, or none, and less bull riding, but still probably a lot. They also do special parties on Sundays, and costume shows featuring things like an old woman, a dominatrix, an inappropriate version of wonder-woman, and maybe a medieval robot. Everybody's got to find something they love in there.
OG has a 'Dancer of the Month' page with nothing on it, which is not inspiring, and the only picture which actually appears to be non-staged looks more like a highschool party. For these reasons, I can not assign OG more than 3 out of 10 bottles of lotion.
If my gradeschool memories serve me correctly, The Spearmint Rhino is a sexual technique involving toothpaste. This is a pretty edgy name for a strip club, so I expect some pretty edgy things. There isn't a lot on their site, but one video shows a bunch of good looking dames wiggling around, so that's pretty great. I also like that their site makes it look kind of more refined. Maybe it's what's not on their site that really says what the Spearmint Rhino is all about. They don't say anything about the kinds of services they offer, and they don't say anything about what it's like there, or the girls or anything. So... I guess the real statement of this site is... Spearmint Rhino is some kind of strip club I think.
I'm giving them major points for style and minimalism, and awarding 7 out of 10 stripper shoes.
Who is Rick?! Where does he get all these women?!? There is no way any of us will ever know, but that doesn't mean we can't still go to Rick's Cabaret and KEEP YOUR QUESTIONS TO YOURSELF. Rick's Cabaret has a pretty fancy page, featuring some pretty fancy women. Every time you click a link, the whole page freaks the hell out like in a seisure, so I imagine it's just like what it's like in Vegas.
Upcomming events for Rick's Cabaret include a breast-cancer fundraiser where you get to paint the dancers, and then they press their bodies against a canvas for some kind of art type thing.
Ricks advertises their top-shelf liquors and cigar selection, and also has a piano bar, so it's about as classy as it gets, right? Ricks also has drew carrey's brother doing a video intro and tour of the place.
I'm giving Rick's our highest award: 5/5 CD's
At first when I saw this one I thought it said 'Club Parasite' and I was like... Wha!??! But then I reread it and it made a lot more sense. Club Parasite would be pretty sweet too, but only if it wasn't a strip club.
 |
| Even this blind man can enjoy Club Paradise |
Club Paradise gets major points for actually putting up what appear to be pictures of their dancers. And a lot of them are pretty hot. So hot in fact, that I pretty much just said hey, I don't care about the rest of the place because it looks like they've obviously got it together. I'm giving Club Paradise a MetaRating of 98% and just moving on. I never thought I'd get tired of looking at pictures of hot girls, but damn I'm getting hungry.
This is a freaking steak house and strip club. Kind of makes the whole bull-riding strip club seem silly. Treasures claims to be the most luxurious strip club, and the photos surely make it look that way. All of the walls are covered in carpet or a prince's robe or something, and everything is covered in gold and steak.
 |
| If you have a fantasy about your art teacher, Treasures is there for YOU |
Treasures also offers golf outings and poker tournaments! A topless poker dealer is one of the finest luxuries in the world. I don't know about a topless caddy. I think she'd end up getting sun burned, and things go downhill really fast from there. But I know some people like golf, so hey I'm not judging you!
Judging by the photos on the site, Treasures is more of a place for the breast connoisseur, rather than the butts. The entire time I was on their site I was unable to find even one butt picture. That said, Treasures seems classy, has nice broads, and has fucking STEAK so they win and the contest is over.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Best Glasses Ever
If you know where I can get a pair of these, let me know.
If not, you can still help a brother out, and grab something off of my awesome Amazon.com Wish List.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Longcat is Long
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Saturday, July 31, 2010
I'm Not Just Into Bullshit
I tell people that I am not a dog person. This comes up often because my girlfriend has a dog which is a Bishon Friez or something (I'm not french, and I'm not a dog person) like that, which is little and white and yippy.
People say to me, "OH, THAT'S NOT FAIR" (typing in caps because that's the kind of thing an idiot would say; the same type of person who doesn't know how to use a caps lock key), or "Oh, how can you not love that face" or some equally dumb shit. Tonight, in a moment of clarity, I figured out why I'm not a dog person.
After letting my dog out to take her nightly shit, something which I must attend to, lest it be left in the basement, she refused to do said shit, and returned upstairs to her cage, ready to spend the night in slumber. Or so one might THINK! In fact, I returned to the bedroom, at which point this dog immediately began soft whimpering. What was the cause of this whimpering? Why, she wanted to be let out for her nightly shit which she forgot to do earlier, or did not feel like doing but now feels like. OK. THAT IS FINE DOG. I AM A REASONABLE MAN.
So I go downstairs and let the dog out. She turns around, and waits for me to follow. Ok. I was afraid of the dark once. So I follow. We go downstairs, flip the hell out in the entry way, go down the hall, and out the back door. Then stand on the tile outside the back door and piss on it. Ok, great place to do that. I once saw a girl who was blackout-drunk piss on herself, so sure, if that's the IQ level we're operating at, yes, piss right where you and everyone else who uses that door has to walk. Why not it's just piss right?
So then she comes back inside.
Do you remember that part about me going upstairs and then having to come back downstairs? Ok, well we do that again.
Now I am downstairs in my boxers, letting the dog out again at 11:00 at night. She goes outside, and just stands in her pee on the tile outside the door. So this is why we're out here again apparently.
So then I open the door, as is my way, and use a puppy voice, because I am only a shell of a man, and try to entice the dog to take a shit in the yard. Again, this is because I am only a shell of a man. After a short period of convincing, she then wanders off in to the shadows.
Then she proceeds to take a 10-minute walking shit through the entire yard. Like... fuck you Dave. Look at what I've stored up for over here... and over here... and over here... and here's some more what do you know...
So I wait at the door, while this dog just takes a cross-country shit, and I wait because I have to lock her back up because otherwise well maybe she'll just decide to cross-country that shit up into the house and guess what OH YOU GUESSED IT homey don't play that.
So look. That one incident is enough for me to not be a dog person. If a cat ever did that shit to me, well guess what I wouldn't be a cat person either, but guess what. They didn't. I'm not a gerbil person because I once saw a gerbil eat another gerbil. I guess I'm just not into bullshit all that much.
Well there you go. I'm just not into bullshit.
People say to me, "OH, THAT'S NOT FAIR" (typing in caps because that's the kind of thing an idiot would say; the same type of person who doesn't know how to use a caps lock key), or "Oh, how can you not love that face" or some equally dumb shit. Tonight, in a moment of clarity, I figured out why I'm not a dog person.
After letting my dog out to take her nightly shit, something which I must attend to, lest it be left in the basement, she refused to do said shit, and returned upstairs to her cage, ready to spend the night in slumber. Or so one might THINK! In fact, I returned to the bedroom, at which point this dog immediately began soft whimpering. What was the cause of this whimpering? Why, she wanted to be let out for her nightly shit which she forgot to do earlier, or did not feel like doing but now feels like. OK. THAT IS FINE DOG. I AM A REASONABLE MAN.
So I go downstairs and let the dog out. She turns around, and waits for me to follow. Ok. I was afraid of the dark once. So I follow. We go downstairs, flip the hell out in the entry way, go down the hall, and out the back door. Then stand on the tile outside the back door and piss on it. Ok, great place to do that. I once saw a girl who was blackout-drunk piss on herself, so sure, if that's the IQ level we're operating at, yes, piss right where you and everyone else who uses that door has to walk. Why not it's just piss right?
So then she comes back inside.
Do you remember that part about me going upstairs and then having to come back downstairs? Ok, well we do that again.
Now I am downstairs in my boxers, letting the dog out again at 11:00 at night. She goes outside, and just stands in her pee on the tile outside the door. So this is why we're out here again apparently.
So then I open the door, as is my way, and use a puppy voice, because I am only a shell of a man, and try to entice the dog to take a shit in the yard. Again, this is because I am only a shell of a man. After a short period of convincing, she then wanders off in to the shadows.
Then she proceeds to take a 10-minute walking shit through the entire yard. Like... fuck you Dave. Look at what I've stored up for over here... and over here... and over here... and here's some more what do you know...
So I wait at the door, while this dog just takes a cross-country shit, and I wait because I have to lock her back up because otherwise well maybe she'll just decide to cross-country that shit up into the house and guess what OH YOU GUESSED IT homey don't play that.
So look. That one incident is enough for me to not be a dog person. If a cat ever did that shit to me, well guess what I wouldn't be a cat person either, but guess what. They didn't. I'm not a gerbil person because I once saw a gerbil eat another gerbil. I guess I'm just not into bullshit all that much.
Well there you go. I'm just not into bullshit.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 08, 2010
I am blogging about the behaviors of our new asian neighbors
Some time previous to now, the house across the street from us was occupied by people of the asian persuasion. Having today noticed this, I am now monitoring their behavior in an attempt to gain insight into their culture. My observations have been remarkable:
Several nights ago, they put their garbage out at the street corner. Since when I look out of the window their house is the first I see, I naturally assumed it was garbage night. The next afternoon, when no garbage trucks had appeared, and nobody else on the street had their garbage out, I discovered their treachery. They had tricked me into thinking it was garbage night for some reason, but the real mystery begins only now:
Nights ago, when they put their garbage out, they put out a cardboard box as well. While later, their garbage disappeared for some reason, the cardboard box did not. Why? What is in that box that made them determine to leave it at the curb, while all the other garbage was taken away? Is there a law about going through garbage? I will find out.
Observation 2: They are a fertile people. They have at least two kids, and possibly more, and it looks like they could still decide to have more. This leads me to believe that their house contains a multitude of bedrooms, and possibly no shared living space.
The appear to shop at Old Navy.
Their house is pointing the opposite direction of ours, which would seem to indicate that we made an error in our Feng Shui.
Several nights ago, they put their garbage out at the street corner. Since when I look out of the window their house is the first I see, I naturally assumed it was garbage night. The next afternoon, when no garbage trucks had appeared, and nobody else on the street had their garbage out, I discovered their treachery. They had tricked me into thinking it was garbage night for some reason, but the real mystery begins only now:
Nights ago, when they put their garbage out, they put out a cardboard box as well. While later, their garbage disappeared for some reason, the cardboard box did not. Why? What is in that box that made them determine to leave it at the curb, while all the other garbage was taken away? Is there a law about going through garbage? I will find out.
Observation 2: They are a fertile people. They have at least two kids, and possibly more, and it looks like they could still decide to have more. This leads me to believe that their house contains a multitude of bedrooms, and possibly no shared living space.
The appear to shop at Old Navy.
Their house is pointing the opposite direction of ours, which would seem to indicate that we made an error in our Feng Shui.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Friday, July 02, 2010
My Baby Is Black
This is a special post, because it's one of the few times I find myself at a loss for words. Except for these words. Plenty of those.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Space Shuttle Time-Lapse Video
So we've probably all seen time-lapse shots of various space shuttle related things, like leading up to the launch, or the crawler making its way to the launch site, or the space-toilet getting cleaned, but my friend Cameron sent this one to me, and I just had to share it.
This is a time-lapse of the shuttle, running just under 4 minutes, following the shuttle from the hangar, onto the launch vehicle and the crawler, down to the launch site, and then a brief launch sequence. Pretty sweet.
Check out ~3:00 when the building gives the shuttle a hug before it leaves! So cute!
Oh! And if the video below makes you watch a commercial about Arkansas before the actual video comes on, check out the blonde in the red dress when the narrator mentions "Stunning Scenery". Yeah... now remember that 65.6% of the people in Arkansas are overweight or obese.
This is a time-lapse of the shuttle, running just under 4 minutes, following the shuttle from the hangar, onto the launch vehicle and the crawler, down to the launch site, and then a brief launch sequence. Pretty sweet.
Check out ~3:00 when the building gives the shuttle a hug before it leaves! So cute!
Oh! And if the video below makes you watch a commercial about Arkansas before the actual video comes on, check out the blonde in the red dress when the narrator mentions "Stunning Scenery". Yeah... now remember that 65.6% of the people in Arkansas are overweight or obese.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Return of the Blog
I've been blogging since May of 2000. Since then we've discussed a plethora of topics, made a few new friends, and gotten hate mail from a lot of single mothers. We've all changed over the last 10 years, and I thought it was time for a little bit of a switch to commemorate 10 years of wasting time with a new site, and a new look.
Now I am by no means a designer, so I've tried to keep things simple and clean, and focus on the thing I do provide: content. I'm using some of the latest standards, such as HTML5 and CSS3. If you don't know what those are, don't worry, they're not important, but do your part to spur innovation by using a browser that does support them:
Those will make this site, and lots of others, all nice and pretty for you.
Now I am by no means a designer, so I've tried to keep things simple and clean, and focus on the thing I do provide: content. I'm using some of the latest standards, such as HTML5 and CSS3. If you don't know what those are, don't worry, they're not important, but do your part to spur innovation by using a browser that does support them:
- Google's Chrome 5
- Apple's Safari 4
- Mozilla's Firefox 3.6
Those will make this site, and lots of others, all nice and pretty for you.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
The Silent Treatment
It's not that I don't blog every day. It's that you've been bad, and I'm giving you the silent treatment.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
7 Year-Old
The usual disclaimer applies here. Please do not read the following, as it is offensive, and wrong. Choosing to read on indicates that you'd like to be offended, and probably have something wrong with your head, so stop it here, and go exercise or throw around the pig skin or whatever it is normal human specimens do.
Again, I encourage you NOT to watch the following video, and instead to go outside and do something productive:
If you're still reading, you didn't heed my advice, which I respect.
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, with the following text:
"Ok, I have a problem with this. These girls are good dancers, but they are also 7 years old, dressed like hoes, and doing dance moves that I couldnt even watch without feeling awkward. Someone please verify my feelings on this..."
Some people then proceeded to debate whether or not they were good dancers, but the general consensus was that 7 year-old girls shouldn't be dressed up like hookers and then instructed on how to shake their asses for a video posted on the internet. Except one broad who said, and again, quoting:
"Look at the video again from a neutral perspective. They are talented but misguided. There is more there than just crap."
This was in response to me saying that the above video was crap, as the astute reader may have guessed from the last line.
There are several ways this can be hit. My favorite is that the wrongness of this only comes from the viewer's perspective, which I believe is what the dame who was stupid enough to argue with me was getting at. For example, a little girl takes her shirt off in public. Is this because she's a slut? No. It's because wearing clothes doesn't make sense to children, so they strip naked and run around like it's party time. So it's innocent, and the parents, and everyone at the fucking World of Dance are just misguided, right? Right. And you're ok with that. FUCK YOU.
Let me lay out what happened here, in plain english so everyone (who speaks english) can understand the exact steps and thought process here:
1. Some parents decided to dress their 7 year-olds up like prostitutes and have them train day and night to dance in essentially the same manner that drunk girls do at a sleazy nightclub so that they could win the World of Dance competition.
That's it. One step. I didn't miss anything in there. Do you know what a 7 year-old should be doing? Because it's nothing even vaguely fucking related to what I saw in that video (for the record, I did not 'look at the video again from a neutral perspective' as was suggested to me).
Another angle on this I love, is that if you've really got the balls (or ovaries, or guts, or ability to use a computer), watch the video again, and tell me how fucking marvelous you think that dancing is. Tell me how amazingly choreographed it is, and what amazing fucking talent you have been lucky enough to witness. Now take a look at ANY fucking Michael Jackson video, and go hang yourself in a closet for being a moron. Is the 7 year-old girl video live? Yes. Are they young? Yes. Does that make it amazing? No. Nobody goes to a fucking soap-box derby to scout for the next Lamborghini engineers, and I'm not about to give any extra credit to these girls because they're live or young or whatever the crap excuse you want to give them. I give credit where I see quality, and if my mommy beat me hard enough, I could have been out there on that stage in nothing but a banana hammock parading around too.
To be perfectly honest, while I think it's tacky, it doesn't really bother me how they're dressed. The issue here is that as far as I'm concerned, these girls are abused, because there is no logical explanation for having them performing like this. Nobody this age wakes up and decides they'd like to train for months for an elaborately choreographed dance piece, and then self-studies how to shake ass and tits. These girls are trained, just like you or I would train an animal, pure and simple, and from the video, I'd say their training does indeed include ass and tit shaking. They're trained how to walk, and they're trained how to smile. This is sick shit.
I could go on. Why am I so passionate about this? I'm not. But this is a big part of what's wrong with this country. Why do people defend this type of shit? If you have nothing better to do than defend people who abuse children like this, you should go die in a hole somewhere, because you're obviously not helping anyone. That's my ten cents for the night. I love you all.
Again, I encourage you NOT to watch the following video, and instead to go outside and do something productive:
If you're still reading, you didn't heed my advice, which I respect.
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook, with the following text:
"Ok, I have a problem with this. These girls are good dancers, but they are also 7 years old, dressed like hoes, and doing dance moves that I couldnt even watch without feeling awkward. Someone please verify my feelings on this..."
Some people then proceeded to debate whether or not they were good dancers, but the general consensus was that 7 year-old girls shouldn't be dressed up like hookers and then instructed on how to shake their asses for a video posted on the internet. Except one broad who said, and again, quoting:
"Look at the video again from a neutral perspective. They are talented but misguided. There is more there than just crap."
This was in response to me saying that the above video was crap, as the astute reader may have guessed from the last line.
There are several ways this can be hit. My favorite is that the wrongness of this only comes from the viewer's perspective, which I believe is what the dame who was stupid enough to argue with me was getting at. For example, a little girl takes her shirt off in public. Is this because she's a slut? No. It's because wearing clothes doesn't make sense to children, so they strip naked and run around like it's party time. So it's innocent, and the parents, and everyone at the fucking World of Dance are just misguided, right? Right. And you're ok with that. FUCK YOU.
Let me lay out what happened here, in plain english so everyone (who speaks english) can understand the exact steps and thought process here:
1. Some parents decided to dress their 7 year-olds up like prostitutes and have them train day and night to dance in essentially the same manner that drunk girls do at a sleazy nightclub so that they could win the World of Dance competition.
That's it. One step. I didn't miss anything in there. Do you know what a 7 year-old should be doing? Because it's nothing even vaguely fucking related to what I saw in that video (for the record, I did not 'look at the video again from a neutral perspective' as was suggested to me).
Another angle on this I love, is that if you've really got the balls (or ovaries, or guts, or ability to use a computer), watch the video again, and tell me how fucking marvelous you think that dancing is. Tell me how amazingly choreographed it is, and what amazing fucking talent you have been lucky enough to witness. Now take a look at ANY fucking Michael Jackson video, and go hang yourself in a closet for being a moron. Is the 7 year-old girl video live? Yes. Are they young? Yes. Does that make it amazing? No. Nobody goes to a fucking soap-box derby to scout for the next Lamborghini engineers, and I'm not about to give any extra credit to these girls because they're live or young or whatever the crap excuse you want to give them. I give credit where I see quality, and if my mommy beat me hard enough, I could have been out there on that stage in nothing but a banana hammock parading around too.
To be perfectly honest, while I think it's tacky, it doesn't really bother me how they're dressed. The issue here is that as far as I'm concerned, these girls are abused, because there is no logical explanation for having them performing like this. Nobody this age wakes up and decides they'd like to train for months for an elaborately choreographed dance piece, and then self-studies how to shake ass and tits. These girls are trained, just like you or I would train an animal, pure and simple, and from the video, I'd say their training does indeed include ass and tit shaking. They're trained how to walk, and they're trained how to smile. This is sick shit.
I could go on. Why am I so passionate about this? I'm not. But this is a big part of what's wrong with this country. Why do people defend this type of shit? If you have nothing better to do than defend people who abuse children like this, you should go die in a hole somewhere, because you're obviously not helping anyone. That's my ten cents for the night. I love you all.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
F the GRE
In the interest of full disclosure, let me begin by saying that my GRE scores seem to indicate I should have followed the career path of 'Male Gigalo' as was recommended to me in high school.
I took the GRE on Tuesday. The first thing they make you do is copy down this paragraph in CURSIVE about something to do with not telling people things. I don't know what the hell it actually said, because I was so busy trying to remember how to write in cursive that I didn't have time to focus on the content. Do you know how to make an 's' in cursive? Here's how I do it: s
Regardless, I'm sure the paragraph was important, and they confiscated my wallet and Sonic receipt, and stuffed my things into a locker so that I could not use them to cheat on the test. The center I went to was actually really nice, quiet, and the people were really cool. The only downer was I had to take this freakin test.
So I didn't study for the GRE, but I did do this sample test online which completely faked me out because it was super easy. My results online? 29/30 and 30/30. My results in the actual test? Substantially lower.
Here's my gripe. I'm a university, and I want to determine the quality of my applicants. How do I do this? Make them pay $100 to answer math questions without a calculator, and identify the meaning of words which no intelligent human being would use? Yes. Yes that is exactly how I would do it. Because both of those are reasonable tests of intelligence. If my applicant doesn't know the relationship between the words Turmulescent and Grouchodiseistablishment, then how can I expect them to be a good computer scientist? And what if the entire world gets nuked and every calculator and computer is either melted or runs out of batteries and is not solar powered? How will they be able to do the complex math necessary to keep from being eaten by wolves?
Anyway. I think it's really more of a test in putting up with bullshit. It weeds out the people who don't care. If the test is crap or not, those who really want to get into a masters program will blow money on it and try try again until they get it. Of course perseverance, dedication, stubbornness, and stupidity are pretty much interchangeable for that purpose. I fall into at least one of those categories, because I'll be taking the GRE again.
I took the GRE on Tuesday. The first thing they make you do is copy down this paragraph in CURSIVE about something to do with not telling people things. I don't know what the hell it actually said, because I was so busy trying to remember how to write in cursive that I didn't have time to focus on the content. Do you know how to make an 's' in cursive? Here's how I do it: s
Regardless, I'm sure the paragraph was important, and they confiscated my wallet and Sonic receipt, and stuffed my things into a locker so that I could not use them to cheat on the test. The center I went to was actually really nice, quiet, and the people were really cool. The only downer was I had to take this freakin test.
So I didn't study for the GRE, but I did do this sample test online which completely faked me out because it was super easy. My results online? 29/30 and 30/30. My results in the actual test? Substantially lower.
Here's my gripe. I'm a university, and I want to determine the quality of my applicants. How do I do this? Make them pay $100 to answer math questions without a calculator, and identify the meaning of words which no intelligent human being would use? Yes. Yes that is exactly how I would do it. Because both of those are reasonable tests of intelligence. If my applicant doesn't know the relationship between the words Turmulescent and Grouchodiseistablishment, then how can I expect them to be a good computer scientist? And what if the entire world gets nuked and every calculator and computer is either melted or runs out of batteries and is not solar powered? How will they be able to do the complex math necessary to keep from being eaten by wolves?
Anyway. I think it's really more of a test in putting up with bullshit. It weeds out the people who don't care. If the test is crap or not, those who really want to get into a masters program will blow money on it and try try again until they get it. Of course perseverance, dedication, stubbornness, and stupidity are pretty much interchangeable for that purpose. I fall into at least one of those categories, because I'll be taking the GRE again.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Microsoft Store
I had a question about a Microsoft product I was considering purchasing, so I called the number on the store.microsoft.com site to talk to someone.
You see, Excel 2008 for Mac is $229, while the entire office suite for Mac is $149, which includes Excel. This intrigues me. So I call, and ask. First off, the guy I'm talking to doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, and I wait while he looks the prices up himself, first finding the Excel upgrade and telling me the wrong price, then finding Excel, then finding Office. Then he gives me this explanation:
"In the world of Microsoft, that's how it works. Single products cost more."
Well fuck my ass. I didn't know that Microsoft had a whole world. Where the fuck is it, and how do I determine if I am in it, and how do I get out? Because I like to be in the world where shit makes sense.
I might be a fool, but I'm not a moron. I get it. You offer Office in the cheap so that I use Word and Entourage and whatever other crap you shove in there, and I send my friends my powerpoint documents, and they need powerpoint to open them, and they buy office, sure whatever. I get this. I just like to get the facts straight. Maybe I am a moron, because when I see a product that costs X, and then another product that includes that product and a ton of other shit, and it's cheaper, I just like having that kind of thing explained to me, you know? So I'm not spending $150 on the wrong shit.
Ok, so single products cost more, so I should just buy Office I guess, and just install the components I want, and not all the extra shit. Except I installed the Office trial, and I didn't see anywhere to choose which components to install, because I missed the small 'customize' button in the lower left of one of the 15 installation screens. Maybe I'm not too observant, my fucking fault, I now have 6 new icons on my dock for shit that I do not want.
So after this guy explains to me that I'm in the world of Microsoft and I'm getting fucked, I tell him thank you, he's been a lot of help, and I now understand. He then offers to help me with my purchase, since their web site sometimes has problems.
Their web site sometimes has problems, so I need this guy on the phone to take my order. You know what I think? I think somebody should fix that. Because if I worked for a company that made server-class operating systems, web-development software, web-server software, and web browsers, and my site sometimes had problems, I think I'd fucking fix it, because otherwise, I obviously can't do my fucking job now can I?
So from here things are predictable. I tell the guy I'm not interested in buying anything right now, because if I'm going to have to put up with this shit I don't necessarily want to buy anything, I'll figure out another way to do it that's not crafted by the retarded. He then tells me to use Office, explains that I 'don't understand'. A guy from another world who had to look up prices, incorrectly, for the only thing he does all day, is telling me that I don't understand how to get my product that should be forty fucking dollars to begin with.
Anyway, I said gave him a 'Thank you, Goodbye' and then hung up. I remember when Microsoft was a company that I respected, and was excited about.
You see, Excel 2008 for Mac is $229, while the entire office suite for Mac is $149, which includes Excel. This intrigues me. So I call, and ask. First off, the guy I'm talking to doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, and I wait while he looks the prices up himself, first finding the Excel upgrade and telling me the wrong price, then finding Excel, then finding Office. Then he gives me this explanation:
"In the world of Microsoft, that's how it works. Single products cost more."
Well fuck my ass. I didn't know that Microsoft had a whole world. Where the fuck is it, and how do I determine if I am in it, and how do I get out? Because I like to be in the world where shit makes sense.
I might be a fool, but I'm not a moron. I get it. You offer Office in the cheap so that I use Word and Entourage and whatever other crap you shove in there, and I send my friends my powerpoint documents, and they need powerpoint to open them, and they buy office, sure whatever. I get this. I just like to get the facts straight. Maybe I am a moron, because when I see a product that costs X, and then another product that includes that product and a ton of other shit, and it's cheaper, I just like having that kind of thing explained to me, you know? So I'm not spending $150 on the wrong shit.
Ok, so single products cost more, so I should just buy Office I guess, and just install the components I want, and not all the extra shit. Except I installed the Office trial, and I didn't see anywhere to choose which components to install, because I missed the small 'customize' button in the lower left of one of the 15 installation screens. Maybe I'm not too observant, my fucking fault, I now have 6 new icons on my dock for shit that I do not want.
So after this guy explains to me that I'm in the world of Microsoft and I'm getting fucked, I tell him thank you, he's been a lot of help, and I now understand. He then offers to help me with my purchase, since their web site sometimes has problems.
Their web site sometimes has problems, so I need this guy on the phone to take my order. You know what I think? I think somebody should fix that. Because if I worked for a company that made server-class operating systems, web-development software, web-server software, and web browsers, and my site sometimes had problems, I think I'd fucking fix it, because otherwise, I obviously can't do my fucking job now can I?
So from here things are predictable. I tell the guy I'm not interested in buying anything right now, because if I'm going to have to put up with this shit I don't necessarily want to buy anything, I'll figure out another way to do it that's not crafted by the retarded. He then tells me to use Office, explains that I 'don't understand'. A guy from another world who had to look up prices, incorrectly, for the only thing he does all day, is telling me that I don't understand how to get my product that should be forty fucking dollars to begin with.
Anyway, I said gave him a 'Thank you, Goodbye' and then hung up. I remember when Microsoft was a company that I respected, and was excited about.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Government of the United States of America
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Government of the United States of America,
I have invented the Solar Laser. Send me $500 by 7pm today, or I will cast the entire country into darkness. I await your answer.
I have invented the Solar Laser. Send me $500 by 7pm today, or I will cast the entire country into darkness. I await your answer.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Breaking All The Rules
When I leave my house carrying an 8 pound bichon frise, and the clan of amish standing in the street turn to look at me, you can bet your ass I give them the Black Power fist. That's just how I roll.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Amish Bullshit
The standard disclaimer applies here. If you are able to be offended in any way, are alive, dead, or undead, or born after 1820, do not read below. This content is not intended for you.
So across the street, they are building some houses, and the people doing all of the framework are Amish. Now I didn't go over there and ask what sect they were, or study their civilization. They're just Amish, and you can tell because they look like it.
Now, Amish construction is nothing new. The amish are famed for their antiques and shit, and of course they make barns, and whenever you need some special construction project, everyone knows you either recruit the amish or the dutch. But here's the thing. I've been watching across the street for 3 days now, watching these amish build. Right now, there is one using a power saw, one walking across the first floor, dragging a pneumatic nailgun behind him, one operating a crane, and one operating a forklift.
Now... I'm not questioning the QUALITY of the work that the amish do, and they certainly look like skilled workers, very practiced in their art, walking confidently across beams, quickly securing new joists... I just have one question...
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE AMISH DECIDE THEY COULD DO ANY BULLSHIT THEY WANTED?!
I know some groups of amish have different beliefs, but a fucking pneumatic nailgun? That means there's an air compressor, which means there's electricity, and they definitely didn't get that equipment from the town hall. And a crane? And I'm not talking about a little crane for unloading a truck or something. This fucking thing is 5 stories tall, has 4 foot wheels, and eight foot extenders coming off the sides for stabilization. So what's the rule now? You just have to dress a certain way and boom, you're in the club? And if these guys are here building this house, who's taking care of the fucking farm? You know who? Probably god damn robots because I don't know why they'd stop there!
It's not that I don't think that these people should have rights. It's just about principle. If I were amish, and I woke up one day and was like... "Well... I think I'm going to buy a sports car and become a scientist." I don't think I'd keep calling myself Amish. In fact, I think I'd be more like... yeah... I tried that Amish thing. Didn't really work out for me I guess.
I was going to finish up with a paragraph about how I love the amish, but the only thing I could really come up with was how they make a lot of cheese. Aren't there female-rights issues with some groups, and what's with the everyone having the same haircut and growing beards? And look, walking around with amish clothes is fine, we get it, you're amish, we don't care. And the horse and buggy thing, sure. Apparently you can drive a crane but not a car. But please stay off the god damn highway. It's a highway. It was never a simple country path, and it only leads to Walmart. You don't need to be there. It is unsafe for everyone involved.
So across the street, they are building some houses, and the people doing all of the framework are Amish. Now I didn't go over there and ask what sect they were, or study their civilization. They're just Amish, and you can tell because they look like it.
Now, Amish construction is nothing new. The amish are famed for their antiques and shit, and of course they make barns, and whenever you need some special construction project, everyone knows you either recruit the amish or the dutch. But here's the thing. I've been watching across the street for 3 days now, watching these amish build. Right now, there is one using a power saw, one walking across the first floor, dragging a pneumatic nailgun behind him, one operating a crane, and one operating a forklift.
Now... I'm not questioning the QUALITY of the work that the amish do, and they certainly look like skilled workers, very practiced in their art, walking confidently across beams, quickly securing new joists... I just have one question...
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE AMISH DECIDE THEY COULD DO ANY BULLSHIT THEY WANTED?!
I know some groups of amish have different beliefs, but a fucking pneumatic nailgun? That means there's an air compressor, which means there's electricity, and they definitely didn't get that equipment from the town hall. And a crane? And I'm not talking about a little crane for unloading a truck or something. This fucking thing is 5 stories tall, has 4 foot wheels, and eight foot extenders coming off the sides for stabilization. So what's the rule now? You just have to dress a certain way and boom, you're in the club? And if these guys are here building this house, who's taking care of the fucking farm? You know who? Probably god damn robots because I don't know why they'd stop there!
It's not that I don't think that these people should have rights. It's just about principle. If I were amish, and I woke up one day and was like... "Well... I think I'm going to buy a sports car and become a scientist." I don't think I'd keep calling myself Amish. In fact, I think I'd be more like... yeah... I tried that Amish thing. Didn't really work out for me I guess.
I was going to finish up with a paragraph about how I love the amish, but the only thing I could really come up with was how they make a lot of cheese. Aren't there female-rights issues with some groups, and what's with the everyone having the same haircut and growing beards? And look, walking around with amish clothes is fine, we get it, you're amish, we don't care. And the horse and buggy thing, sure. Apparently you can drive a crane but not a car. But please stay off the god damn highway. It's a highway. It was never a simple country path, and it only leads to Walmart. You don't need to be there. It is unsafe for everyone involved.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Individuals
So I just realized that if I fought a midget while I was sitting in a chair, it would be a fair fight. Sorry, 'Little Person'. It's so hard to be politically correct anymore. I only recently realized that I was being racist by calling myself a 'cracker'. Someone would ask me how I was, and I'd say, 'This cracker is doing just fine.' Also, someone asked me if I was offended by racist jokes, and I realized that I probably was, but I wanted to hear the joke anyway, because what if it was funny?
That's what I'm writing about today. Individuality. Did you know, that on a daily basis, 3 individuals read my blog? And did you know that they're usually from Germany? I can only attribute this to one thing: People in Germany are pretty messed up. But that's what makes people individuals, in that we're all different and like different things. Duh.
Anyway, enough about that. I recently got back from a little bit of a vacation in Akron, Ohio. Now, you might ask, 'Dave, why Akron?' and if so, then god I wish you'd shut up. First off, a quarter of a million people live there. What do you think those quarter of a million people do for entertainment, huh? Paint? You think they're all painters and that's all they do, is paint? "What do people do in Akron?" "Oh nothing, all 250,000 of them just work and then paint, and then they throw the paintings away so as not to amass clutter." There's stuff to do in Akron. There's a university, so you could find out where the international student dorm is and watch French girls throw up, or if you were into sports, you could watch some dumbass game about a ball or something. But more importantly, there is good food in Akron, and guess what? I discovered a kickass new dish which I am going to share with you. It is Cheese and Sauce Appetizer. Here's the recipe:
Get some goat cheese
Get some Ragu or something
Put the goat cheese in a bowl or similar container, then put the Ragu on top of it. Nuke it or bake it until toasty, and then dig into it with some chips or pita pieces or bread or something.
*If you want to be fancy, you can make your own sauce from scratch, but lets face it, there's so many different kinds of spaghetti sauce anymore, what the hell is the point?
Boom. $6 and it's awesome. Don't say I never gave you anything. You shifty bastard.
That's what I'm writing about today. Individuality. Did you know, that on a daily basis, 3 individuals read my blog? And did you know that they're usually from Germany? I can only attribute this to one thing: People in Germany are pretty messed up. But that's what makes people individuals, in that we're all different and like different things. Duh.
Anyway, enough about that. I recently got back from a little bit of a vacation in Akron, Ohio. Now, you might ask, 'Dave, why Akron?' and if so, then god I wish you'd shut up. First off, a quarter of a million people live there. What do you think those quarter of a million people do for entertainment, huh? Paint? You think they're all painters and that's all they do, is paint? "What do people do in Akron?" "Oh nothing, all 250,000 of them just work and then paint, and then they throw the paintings away so as not to amass clutter." There's stuff to do in Akron. There's a university, so you could find out where the international student dorm is and watch French girls throw up, or if you were into sports, you could watch some dumbass game about a ball or something. But more importantly, there is good food in Akron, and guess what? I discovered a kickass new dish which I am going to share with you. It is Cheese and Sauce Appetizer. Here's the recipe:
Get some goat cheese
Get some Ragu or something
Put the goat cheese in a bowl or similar container, then put the Ragu on top of it. Nuke it or bake it until toasty, and then dig into it with some chips or pita pieces or bread or something.
*If you want to be fancy, you can make your own sauce from scratch, but lets face it, there's so many different kinds of spaghetti sauce anymore, what the hell is the point?
Boom. $6 and it's awesome. Don't say I never gave you anything. You shifty bastard.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Untitled Blog Post
When you go on vacation and stay in a hotel, it's like a little adventure. Part of that adventure is getting to use someone elses soap and shampoo for a while.
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Sense of Humor of Jesus
I went to Catholic school, and I remember one of the priests once saying that too often, Jesus was portrayed as having no sense of humor, and then he went on to cite several examples of when Jesus did funny stuff, but I don't remember any of them, so I guess they weren't good examples.
I don't remember where I was going with that...
I don't remember where I was going with that...
Saturday, February 06, 2010
ASSASSINATION
People, this post is of the utmost importance. Just yesterday there was an attempt on my life by an ASSASSIN. This is NOT the first, nor will it be the last attempt to end my suffering, most likely. Throughout my years, I have watched William Shatner pilot a space ship, intimidate a hotel owner, host a talk show, and sing a cover of a cure song. Why have I lived such a rich life? Only a fool would ask that. It is because I have not been assassinated.
Here are some tips for you to help survive assassination. Remember that I am a professional, and that simply reading things will not make you skilled, so practice until you are pefrect:
POISONS:
Poisons are some of the most common ways to assassinate people. If you're trying to get one kill, try to poison only a specific person, maybe with a blow gun. If you are trying to kill a whole town, poison their well. So how do you avoid these dangers? Become an expert at staying alive, and do it fast. First off, ALWAYS MAKE SOMEONE DRINK BEFORE YOU DO and then wait a few seconds to see if they die. This could be in a public restroom, or even at the public park. Secondly, if you ever order a drink and it is brought to you in a closed container, such as a can or bottle, they are probably trying to poison you, because if it weren't poison, obviously, someone else would probably have had some. It's not like you're the bees knees. Finally, beware of glasses of water. Many poisons are tasteless and colorless and odorless, just like water (unless you are in detroit). So what better place to put something like that, than with something else JUST LIKE THAT.
DAMES:
Did you know that roughly 50% of assassins are women? Why is this number so high? Because women are specially trained to kill in some instances, obviously. How do you avoid such a common threat as something that happens one in two times? Again, the answer is simple. Dames are almost always trying to poison you. So for the solution to that, see the section above this.
Firearms:
Long-Distance Assassination has made history on man occasions through use of the gun. Also no weapon holds more bullets than the commonly used gun. If used in a specific way, a single bullet can kill a man. So how do you avoid each and every bullet? The answer to this is not so simple, because it is called 'being aware' and can not be taught. The principle boils down to this: If someone is aiming a gun at you, there may be danger. Unless you develop a technology that can figure out where every gun in the world is at every second, you will have to rely on good old fashioned Native American Spirit Senses in order to determine this. John Kenedy, not native american, Abe Lincoln, not native american. John Wilks Booth, not native american. All of these men have one thing in common: Assassinations. A good spirit guide, or native american senses, can alert you to danger, until it is your time to join your ancestors. I have no clue how to find either of these things.
ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE:
Lots of times when you're being assassinated, the person will make it look like you've gone and killed yourself. Why? Because it fools the police, every single time. This is a simple one to get around. Every so often, mail some of the people you know some anti-suicide letters. Just make it say, "Hey, this is #{your_name} and everything is pretty good. Not suspiciously good, but good enough that I'm doing pretty well. I definitely would not commit suicide." And send them off. Then, if someone sets you up, everyone will know.
"John sent me a letter last week saying he wasn't going to kill himself, and now he's killed himself? SUSPICIOUS." is what they'll say.
BLENDING IN:
Anyone who has played TIME ASSASSIN or the new TIME ASSASSIN 2 video game knows that it is important to blend in when you're an assassin. This isn't as easy as just holding a button when you're around monks though, unfortunately. Actually it kind of is. All you really have to do to blend in is not be an asshole and cause a ruckus. You can blend in with movie theater workers just by wearing a movie theater uniform, or blend in at a book club by just bringing the right book and not having a mohawk. Or blend in at a walmart. So what now? You can locate assassins in disguise just by interrogating people. For instance, if someone is at a movie theater, ask them what movies are playing, and then ask them which way to go to get to theater 4. Or if you're at a drive in, ask them how much everything is at the concession stand and if they have to look up the prices they're probably an assassin. Or at the book club, ask them a bunch of questions about the book, like where they got it. Ask them really specific questions, and if they get defensive then they're probably a liar.
Obviously the job of the assassin is pretty easy, since you can do basically any one of a hundred things. The job of avoiding assassins is not so easy, but as I said, train and train a lot, and you will have success.
Here are some tips for you to help survive assassination. Remember that I am a professional, and that simply reading things will not make you skilled, so practice until you are pefrect:
POISONS:
Poisons are some of the most common ways to assassinate people. If you're trying to get one kill, try to poison only a specific person, maybe with a blow gun. If you are trying to kill a whole town, poison their well. So how do you avoid these dangers? Become an expert at staying alive, and do it fast. First off, ALWAYS MAKE SOMEONE DRINK BEFORE YOU DO and then wait a few seconds to see if they die. This could be in a public restroom, or even at the public park. Secondly, if you ever order a drink and it is brought to you in a closed container, such as a can or bottle, they are probably trying to poison you, because if it weren't poison, obviously, someone else would probably have had some. It's not like you're the bees knees. Finally, beware of glasses of water. Many poisons are tasteless and colorless and odorless, just like water (unless you are in detroit). So what better place to put something like that, than with something else JUST LIKE THAT.
DAMES:
Did you know that roughly 50% of assassins are women? Why is this number so high? Because women are specially trained to kill in some instances, obviously. How do you avoid such a common threat as something that happens one in two times? Again, the answer is simple. Dames are almost always trying to poison you. So for the solution to that, see the section above this.
Firearms:
Long-Distance Assassination has made history on man occasions through use of the gun. Also no weapon holds more bullets than the commonly used gun. If used in a specific way, a single bullet can kill a man. So how do you avoid each and every bullet? The answer to this is not so simple, because it is called 'being aware' and can not be taught. The principle boils down to this: If someone is aiming a gun at you, there may be danger. Unless you develop a technology that can figure out where every gun in the world is at every second, you will have to rely on good old fashioned Native American Spirit Senses in order to determine this. John Kenedy, not native american, Abe Lincoln, not native american. John Wilks Booth, not native american. All of these men have one thing in common: Assassinations. A good spirit guide, or native american senses, can alert you to danger, until it is your time to join your ancestors. I have no clue how to find either of these things.
ACCIDENTAL SUICIDE:
Lots of times when you're being assassinated, the person will make it look like you've gone and killed yourself. Why? Because it fools the police, every single time. This is a simple one to get around. Every so often, mail some of the people you know some anti-suicide letters. Just make it say, "Hey, this is #{your_name} and everything is pretty good. Not suspiciously good, but good enough that I'm doing pretty well. I definitely would not commit suicide." And send them off. Then, if someone sets you up, everyone will know.
"John sent me a letter last week saying he wasn't going to kill himself, and now he's killed himself? SUSPICIOUS." is what they'll say.
BLENDING IN:
Anyone who has played TIME ASSASSIN or the new TIME ASSASSIN 2 video game knows that it is important to blend in when you're an assassin. This isn't as easy as just holding a button when you're around monks though, unfortunately. Actually it kind of is. All you really have to do to blend in is not be an asshole and cause a ruckus. You can blend in with movie theater workers just by wearing a movie theater uniform, or blend in at a book club by just bringing the right book and not having a mohawk. Or blend in at a walmart. So what now? You can locate assassins in disguise just by interrogating people. For instance, if someone is at a movie theater, ask them what movies are playing, and then ask them which way to go to get to theater 4. Or if you're at a drive in, ask them how much everything is at the concession stand and if they have to look up the prices they're probably an assassin. Or at the book club, ask them a bunch of questions about the book, like where they got it. Ask them really specific questions, and if they get defensive then they're probably a liar.
Obviously the job of the assassin is pretty easy, since you can do basically any one of a hundred things. The job of avoiding assassins is not so easy, but as I said, train and train a lot, and you will have success.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Unemployed
So tomorrow is my first official day of being unemployed. As you may or may not know, I have left my job at SproutBox. It was a great time, but times can not always be great, and by that I mean I left Indiana because I met my lover and now we live somewhere else and I'm going to go back to school for my masters.
So as not to become unproductive, I have a pretty sweet schedule for tomorrow:
Wake up when Heather wakes up (This varies depending on how many times she mumbles '10 more minutes')
Build $1200 worth of Ikea furniture
Buy a package for GRE test practice type stuff
Work on a library I'm making for Ruby demonstrating various mathematical principles
Buy dental floss
Yeah. Unemployed my ass. That's a workin' man's schedule. Also, I need to do some laundry up in here. Heather keeps stealing my jeans. To what end I do not know.
So as not to become unproductive, I have a pretty sweet schedule for tomorrow:
Wake up when Heather wakes up (This varies depending on how many times she mumbles '10 more minutes')
Build $1200 worth of Ikea furniture
Buy a package for GRE test practice type stuff
Work on a library I'm making for Ruby demonstrating various mathematical principles
Buy dental floss
Yeah. Unemployed my ass. That's a workin' man's schedule. Also, I need to do some laundry up in here. Heather keeps stealing my jeans. To what end I do not know.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Working
Me: I'm having a stupid moment
Me: this should not come as a surprise to you
Cameron: not really
Me: this should not come as a surprise to you
Cameron: not really
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