Education For You!

Wow. What a large, white, SUV. That's a nice healthy spattering of bumper stickers you have there. You're proud to be an American? Good for you! And you voted for Bush in '04? There's something to be proud of. Oh, and I see one that says you like rodeos too! Hmm...Let me see if I can explain this in imbecile's terms:

I'm not sure how people drive in Texas, other than 'like morons', but we have a few guidelines here in Ohio that make driving a little easier.

I don't expect you to be observant when you drive, lord no, but while you're piloting that giant white death-machine around, you might take a moment to glance at the road, and notice that when you are pulling up to a stop light, there's a white stripe that goes across the street. You're supposed to stop at that line. At. Fucking...at. Not 6 feet back, although I can't complain about that. Not 6 feet in front of it so that nobody can see around your god damned bronco so they know if it's safe to turn. At. Fucking...at. Now I know it's easy to hear the word 'at' and think I mean 'pull up until your tires are on the line, and you're blocking the cross walk'. Those two things sound very much alike. And it makes sense too, right? What is the cross walk for anyway? Crossing the street? Walking? Nonsense! But there are subtle differences. And 'at' is such a small word with so many meanings, who knows what it could really indicate? Well, it means 'Stop blocking the intersection so I can't turn, you dough faced banshee.'

Once you're 'at' that line, and stopped, do this for me: Fuck with the radio, and keep edging forward. Do it. Bend down, mess with the dials, don't look at the road, and edge forward. I'm not trying to look around you. I just want to see if you have more stickers on your front bumper. Do you? Do you? I can't see. Pull up a little more and fuck with the radio. Do it. That's good. Don't look up. Just edge forward. If you can get an extra 3 feet into the intersection, you'll get home sooner, oh I promise you will. I promise. Edge forward 3 feet. Thank you. Thank you, yes, that was what I wanted. My day is complete, I can do my finger exercises now. Here, look over here. Look over here while I do my finger exercises. I hope you look, because I'm doing them as hard as I can. In some countries, the fingers I am extending are a sign of greeting...yes...yes that's what I'm doing. But don't let me bother you. Edge forward more, and fuck with the radio. I don't need to see around you so I can turn safely, I'll just do my finger exercises more.

I'm actually fairly happy today :)