More Blogging - Pittsburgh Style

So I am blogging to you again today since it is turkey vacation. I feel that it is important to keep you up to date with the latest events in my life. If you need live reports as events unfold, be sure to follow me on Twitter. Now... behold:

I'm still super sick. Like, sick beyond reason. It hurts to talk, and it hurts to swallow, and there is a girl here to clean the house and I can't really talk to her because I sound like an idiot. Luckily I am pretty good at communicating by pointing at things.

So Pittsburgh is a great city, but sadly it appears to be inaccessible by road. I don't mean that there aren't roads there, just that they are not a feasible means of transit. These are the things I have picked up so far:
In Pittsburgh, you do not need to use a turn signal in order to turn, and having your turn signal on does NOT indicate that you intend to turn.
You can park in a lane in the middle of the road, directly in front of a no parking sign, and walk away from your car.
Two lane roads and one lane roads are indistinguishable since those dashed white lines are completely optional here. This makes merging difficult since half of the people think that it is still two lanes.
When at a light, if someone is turning left, they are free to do so BEFORE the light turns green.
There are no police. The only thing that appears to keep people in line is Steeler Fever (This is a term I am still working on). Oh, and Steel Mill is pronounced 'Still Meal'.

I am sick and in Pittsburgh

Ok, I've been killer busy lately so I haven't had time to update, but I'm taking this week off so I can move to Pittsburgh, so here we go again.

I am sick, and in Pittsburgh. Updates to follow.

I will not humor you

Usual disclaimer here. Don't read anything I write.

People will do this:
They will walk into a room that I am sitting in, where it is dark, and they will say "It's dark in here" and then turn on the lights. As if I don't have either the cognitive or perceptive capacity to realize it is dark. Maybe it's dark because I wanted it to be dark, and you're an asshole for turning the lights on? That's a bit more of an advanced thought process than 'ITS DARK' though, so if I'm pushing you too far, I apologize.

Or even better, they'll walk in and say "Why are you sitting in the dark?". Ok, let me hold your hand and we can walk through this one together. The lights are off, there is a light switch, and if I wanted the lights to be on, I could flip the switch. So maybe I'm sitting in the dark because I FUCKING WANT TO BE. A fucking dog could handle this. A fucking dog could walk into the room, realize it is dark, and not go 'woof that's a puzzler. The lights are off, it is dark, I wonder why. I just fucking wonder why that is.'

People will also be helpful and tell you things like, "You're up early." No shit, really? Where I come from we don't have clocks, and I just wake up randomly, so it's great to have someone there to point these things out. Without the guidance of a third-rank master genius like you, I'd be lost. Tell me this, when it is dark outside, what is that called? Is that night? And what does it look like when it is day? And what's that glowing ball that appears in the sky? Because if I can't tell that it's fucking early, then I sure as shit can't figure out these advanced concepts.

The point of this rant is that I hate you.

Marketing Fail

Well, I voted for the brownie. A 55 calorie beer has to taste like ass.

redbeacon

Kids

I love kids, I really do, but nobody gives a shit about all the dumbass stuff they do, so stop telling everybody. OH he shit his pants, or OH he got in the pool, or OH he went to the restaurant and it was great. Holy shit people. Another 20,000 come in every day. Your shit is not unique.

bing

Eric The Great

I met someone who was criminally insane once. I was at this concert down in Clifton at Bogarts, and I went with a group that included some of my friends friends, people I hadn't met before. This one guy who looked scottish or something, covered in shaggy red hair, had come with them, and brought a 'gauntlet'. It was this giant metal fist-glove, all spiked and shit, like a fucking death knight would wear, and somebody asks about it and he says to us, 'I like it hit people with it'. He then proceeds to piss off like, everyone in the audience, because word of the fucking gauntlet psycho travels fast, let me promise you that. And that is the story about why I hate people with red hair.

Fear and Love

Hey everybody I know I haven't written to you in a while, but I've been busy. I find myself a bit ill on this particular day, so because writing is a relatively low-energy activity, I am doing so.

Today I am writing about love, and fear. Separately. A lot of people will tell you that love and fear are linked, and that giving yourself to someone else, and exploring the possibilities of living your life with another person, taking on new direction... That love and fear can be siblings. But these people are full of shit, or just trying to complicate things, which makes them bastards. So bastards, or full of shit. One of the two. So here we go. I am going to educate you.

First, love. I've been in love. Some people say that they're not sure if they've been in love, or what love is. Well, that's ok. I don't know what a lot of things are either. Like I don't know what it feels like to have a nightmare. Ok, other things. Love and being 'In Love' are two different things. Your definition may vary, but to me, loving someone means that you'd give your life for them. Pretty simple. This also means I don't end every fucking conversation with 'I love you'. I think that trivializes the meaning of the phrase. When I tell someone 'I love you', it means 'hey, don't worry. If the shit gets real, I'll take care of you.' Now, being in love, on the other hand, doesn't necessarily mean the same thing. But it DOES mean that I want every inch of my body pressed up against every inch of hers. I hope that's not graphic or uncomfortable for you. If it is, you're lucky I'm going to let it drop there. That's because you're all my buddies :)

Ok, now on to fear. Fear is one way that your brain tells you 'Hey, what you are doing is probably going to get you killed. Or you might just lose an arm.' For instance, when you're in the front seat of a wicked coaster, and you're going over the first drop, that 'oh shit' feeling is fear, since your lower brain is smart enough to know that under normal circumstances, you shouldn't be in that position. The insane-drop position, that is. So it's important to pay attention to fear. BUT... irrational fear is bad. Again, for example, being afraid of black people. So next time you're afraid, do a simple check. Look at what is going on around you. If it is seriously scary, or fucked up, you're probably right to be afraid, and you should reassess your life choices. If, on the other hand, things are pretty copasetic, get a grip on yourself, you numb-skull.

An Open Letter to Maxim Magazine

Dear Maxim Magazine,

Shortly after my recent breakup, my ex purchased a subscription to Maxim magazine for my reading pleasure, because she is a cruel tease who enjoys my suffering and wants me to oggle half naked women, which is also a quality I find highly desirable in women. More to the point, upon receiving my most recent issue of Maxim, I was moved to comment at what I feel is a lack of proper editorial respect and on behalf of the publisher of Maxim Magazine. Please read on.

As a subscriber, in order for magazines to reach my mail box, a mailing label is generally affixed to the front cover of the magazine, bearing my name, address, and other information which I neglect to read. This label can then be removed, by me, and tossed aside, since I am an OCD bastard and like my magazines to be neatly displayed. Upon receiving the most recent issue of Maxim Magazine, I was met with joy at the image of Milla Jovavitch (sp?(don'tcare)) in her undies, in a seductive, stripping, pose. While not an overly huge fan of Milla Jovavitch, although I do appreciate her work in great films such as The Fifth Element, Ultraviolet, and the Resident Evil series, I am an extreme fan of scantily-clad women. But I digress...

Again, to the point, upon entering my domicile and examining the magazine cover further, I discovered, much to my dismay, that the address label was covering up Milla's leg-pelvicular area, and was not the standard affixed address label, but instead, one printed directly onto the magazine cover itself, thereby robbing me of what is probably my only chance to see this woman's naughty bits. Clearly, this is an unacceptable mistake on behalf of the publisher.

It is highly unlikely that I will ever open this issue of Maxum, as I have little interest in 'The Joy of Reunion Sex', nor an 'NFL Preview' involving the secrets of 'the snap'. I therefore, since I can not find the news-stand price of the magazine anywhere on it, request the sum total of $2.66 in reparations for the unjustice perpetrated upon both myself, and my ex who actually purchased the magazine. This money I will use to buy Now And Later candy, which I will share with all around me in order to bring joy to all. Upon receipt of this sum, I will also give the cover of the magazine to a homeless, thus completing the great circle of recycling.

A tad lazy with the internationalization, me thinks...

Ethnic Diversity in Gaming

Here's an article on how games fail to portray ethnic and gender diversity:
http://games.slashdot.org/story/09/07/31/2350242/Games-Fail-To-Portray-Gender-and-Ethnic-Diversity

Let me be the first to call bullshit. Hell, in Mass Effect it was literally impossible to create a character who wasn't mulatto.

Stop writing comments

Hey everybody. I know I haven't really been attentive to you lately, but things have been really busy. I did discover a strange correlation lately though, about how much I post, vs how many comments I get. I'll get into that in a minute. First my standard disclaimer:

This post contains explicit content. It is rude, offensive, and anyone associated with it in any way, including those reading this, is acting directly in poor taste. If you can be offended in any way, do not read this article. If you are a member of any religion, race, or species, do not read this article. Inertia is a property of matter. If it is possible to derive your inertia, do not read this article.

See, whenever I'm writing, the web is silent, but as soon as I stop, some dick bag discovers a post I wrote like, 4 years ago, and writes some witty comment about what a dumbass I am. THAT'S THE POINT, DICK BAG. If I was just on here writing about the state of the union or scientific research or something, nobody would give a shit. I know that's not any different from now, but the important thing is that I wouldn't be having any fun. And that's what matters.

So like I was saying. Today I went to the mall, so I'm going to give everybody an update, in case you haven't been to the mall in a while. There are some new stores, and some old stores, but one thing is for sure: They can pack a ton of fucking sunglass huts and cell phone kiosks in there. Good thing people don't go to the mall as much anymore, because there's no fucking room to walk.

American Eagle - I have a friend who works for AE, and a friend who used to work for AE, so no disrespect to them, but honestly, you walk into an American Eagle, where they've got a $60 t-shirt, and they treat you like absolute crap. Nobody in the store gives a shit, there's some bitches talking to each other about their dad's cars or something, and some guy checking himself out in the mirror, and I'm over at the checkout with my bags and shit, unable to pass go, because everybody in the store was an accident when their parents got too drunk. But like I said, seriously, no offense to anybody.

Abercrombie & Fitch - You walk into the store, and they've got people there ready to greet you, and the store smells like their cologne, and there's loud fucking music, and it's like... they're trying, but they don't really know what the hell they're doing. Some moron back at HQ smelled their cologne once and was like "HOLY SHIT THIS IS GREAT LETS MAKE THE STORES SMELL LIKE IT ALWAYS" and never realized that FUCK YOU BECAUSE AIR SMELLS FINE WITHOUT YOUR SHIT IN IT 24/7 ASS BAG, and the music is like, good music, but it's pumped up so loud you can't hear what they're saying at the register, and there's like, palm trees, which are cool, but they're blocking the god damn aisles... you know. I can tell they care, they just don't get it.

Buckle (The?) - Every time I've ever walked into this store, I basically had a personal shopping assistant there. Not like, the STORE had a shopping assistant there, like me, personally. My person was there. You know? A good looking person, somebody cool, and they're like, looking around, doing their own thing, but when I'm pondering something, they'll give me the low down, and then get back to their thing. I don't need somebody hovering, I don't need somebody pushing me, I just need the exact amount of data at the exactly correct time, and I expect that.

Radioshack - The tragedy of radioshack is that whenever I walk into the store, they ask me if I need help. Yeah, I do. I need XYZ. They'll make 'hmmm' noises, and look around and shit, but they don't have it. Do you know why they don't have it? Because all Radioshack sells anymore is fucking televisions and fucking cell phones. Let me dissect the name right here, in two parts.
First part: Radio. Date: 1887. Meaning: A device used for comminication
Second part: Shack. Date: 1878. Meaning: FUCK YOU I AIN'T NEED NO TV'S OR CELL PHONES WHY DID YOU QUIT SELLING REAL PRODUCTS

Victoria's Secret - Ok, so victorias secret has always been kind of a creepy store, what with all the pictures of flying angel-women all over the god damn place. Somebody's got a major personality complex, I can tell you that much. But NO. It is even creepier now because of that whole PINK brand they throw on half the store front. To anyone who thinks sweat pants are sexy: FUCK YOU. And to anyone who thinks people want to look at a big neon logo plastered all over your doughy ass, guess what. FUCK YOU.

Strange Asian Massage Guys - I really don't know what the deal with this is. I just don't get it. Who wants to lie down on something in the mall, and get all rubbed up on while all kinds of random people walk by. Like, describe the appeal. Tell me why you think, 'HMMMM... THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT WAY TO BLOW FIVE BUCKS OR WHATEVER'. How old are you? Because that many years ago, on your birthday, a dumbass comet must have been streaking through the 10th house of Saturn, because god damn.

Lens Crafters / Pearl Vision - I'm lumping these two stores together because fuck them both. I've used both in the past, and they're handy when you're on vacation and you crush your fucking glasses, but fuck them still. You will never have to listen to more bullshit than when you're trying to get glasses at these places. Just fucking bullshit for hours, because they're full of shit. Here's how you find a good place to get glasses (fuck your contacts): Go in, and just start making wild demands. Just request shit that is completely ridiculous. Don't make a bit of fucking sense. Tell them you want lenses that are like, an inch thick, and glow, and then you want a pair of two-way glasses, where you can put them on upside-down, and glasses for a gorilla, and describe the shape of the head in archaic measures like cubits and shit. Because a master of the optical sciences will not fucking FLINCH at you. They are hard as nails. Fucking nails. And that's when you tell them nevermind and just get your real glasses.

Chick-Fil-a - this store is not open on Fridays I think, which can be kind of inconvenient. Oh, also, their chicken tastes like shit.

Random Asian Store With Creative Name Like 'CHINA STORE' - Ok, another good store. They've got all kinds of crazy asian crap, like hello kitty ottomans, and a fog machine, and some robes. And if you're lucky, you can maybe get some pokemon. Also, always a good deal on swords.

Well that's all the stores I can think of, so get lost.

Siemens blows

Or option #5, build a communication monitoring and censoring center, and help oppress your populace.

Risk

jon: dude, i totally just invaded mongolia
me: Jon are you playing WoW again?
jon: that
jon: and risk
me: I never really got into risk
me: Never felt like the stakes were high enough.
jon: this is galactic risk
me: and you've managed to take over.. mongolia...
jon: it's more of a journey than a destination

Not sure I want to join the Live Search Club

Courtesy of my friend Susan, the folks at MSN are apparently just as single as I am. I don't care if you've got a sick mind or not, a game of Beat The Monkey only means one thing.

Need a break? Just go beat the monkey!

Only when Snoop is in town...

The Splinter

Even now its poison courses through my veins. I feel an inhuman strength...

Also, that is my finger. I don't want people getting confused.

Sunday Fun

Here's a fun activity you can do if you're looking for some Sunday Fun:

Go to a Circuit City. When the sales person comes up to heckle you, tell them what you want, but don't actually buy it. Just tell the sales person about how, if you are older than 40, you earned everything this country has or something like that, or if you are younger than 40, you grew up on the streets, and about how hard it was, but you still came out on top. Just keep talking about it for as long as the sales person is there. And don't feel bad if you start repeating yourself, that actually makes it better. Just see how long it takes for the sales person to go away.

OH WAIT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE CIRCUIT CITY CLOSED ALL THEIR STORES BECAUSE THEIR SALES PEOPLE WERE TOO GOD DAMN ANNOYING.

Dancing Bird of some sort

I'm giving you a morning two-fer. First off, check out this video because this bird is really dancing and having a good time, which is great.



Secondly, look in the background at all the cages these people have in their living room. Having a pet is one thing, but if you collect colorful beings of flight and stuff them into cages in your stinking living room, you're a fucked up person. That the kind of shit that's one-off from being a kidnapper/rapist/murderer. Some "It puts the lotion on its skin" shit. And if you're into that, you should go get some help or try to learn to appreciate nature in it's natural habitat, and don't come at me for some raping and killing, because I'm armed to the teeth.

So apparently these people rescue birds or something. I am not going to say that they're NOT fucked up, because something still isn't right about this, but... I retract the previous paragraph.

Fuel Cell Research Cut

Money for fuel cell research has been cut, and the funding instead redirected towards stationary plants, citing slow progress in vehicular fuel cells.

GOOD. My message to the auto industry: STOP FUCKING UP. Everything you do is fucking balls-under whatever everybody else is doing. I bet if they asked you to design a car with no fucking headlights it would take you 100 years for the innovation. Fuck all of you.

Review: Music

Music is such a big part of my life. So important to me, in fact, that I would kill a man. For your extreme pleasure, I am reviewing 5 songs which I will allow to be selected at random by my iTunes robot. If the lord's power is within me, which I am sure it is, then the 5 songs which are chosen will be the ideal ones for you to experience.

The information and lyrics here are provided exclusively for educational purposes, and I make no claim to them.

1. Lil Troy - For Years
I don't have the album artwork for this song, because I was too lazy to find it, so I don't really know what Lil Troy looks like, but that's not important. Lets just focus on his music.

I've had to keep restarting this song to try and understand the lyrics. I've not made it past forty seconds yet, but this is what I've got. I warn you that these lyrics are explicit: "Yeah, die niggers and shit. Talking about stopping me, how are you going to stop me? I have shortstopped everyone in here." What this song is about is Lil Troy, shortstopping people, for years. This song really hits home with me because he even mentions my hometown, Hamilton 'H-Town' Hamilton.

Lil Troy mentions that his "nuts hang to the floor like drapes." This statement really illustrates what his nuts are like, which is what makes this song so amazing. The graphic imagery and rapping that he does is just fan-tastic. Also, I'd like to mention that there is another rapper who is featured in this song besides Lil Troy. Once again, I didn't care enough to find out who it was, and he probably said his name at some point but there's no way I'm starting the song over again to be sure.

This song is probably great if you're some kind of gangster or if you need a motivational song for baseball.

2. Paul Oakenfold - This Is Trance
Holy crap, this is one of my all time favorite songs!!!

Right from the start, Paul starts kicking ass with some edgy beats. No, not really. Actually it doesn't really get good until a minute and forty in, but this song is almost 7 minutes long, so who cares?! Once we're into the good part of the song, there's like, this steady drum beat, and it's like a heart beat, and then there's like, some symbols or something, giving you a like, ra-ta-ta-ta going on, and then there's some robot noises, like a robot doing some beat-boxing.

There are some ups and downs in this song, and that's my only issue with Oakenfold's style. A good trance song will start out going awesome, and then get better, and better, and just keep getting faster and better and more hardcore, and at the end the only people still dancing have taken like 20-thousand hits of acid and can't feel the pain. That's how trance is done. You look in the clubs here in America, what do you find? Shit. You look in Europe, Mexico, Tahiti, what do you find? Shit. It's because nobody will push it, except the Russians. Go to a good Russian club and you'll get people with like, arms going all over, just dancing up a storm, because everybody is crazy-go-nuts.

If I had to rate this song on a scale of one to five stars, which is apparently what I did in iTunes, I'd give it a 5. I recommend this song for anyone who likes a little bit of party, but not too much, and is really conservative about how wild they can dance.

3. M.I.A. - Jimmy
I don't think I've ever heard this song. I just got the album for $20 and Paper Planes. By $20 I mean that's the name of the song. The album wasn't twenty dollars.

Ok, so right off the bat it sounds like this song is in a different language. Probably whatever the M.I.A. woman is. Her nationality. She keeps going, "Jimmy? Ah-cha." and I don't know what that means. And then there's some happy dancing music.

On the second verse, I think we're speaking English now, but it's hard to tell. Some words sound english, but others are completely foreign. It is possible that she's just a really bad rhymer, and has made up some words to satisfy the lyrical constraints.

It's not horrible, but I'm glad that this song is only three and a half minutes. Any longer and it would be really bad. My favorite part is when it is over. This is probably a good song if you have excellent linguistic skills and can decipher the words.

4. Rick Astley - Together Forever
Ok, so I don't want to talk about this song, but I will talk about 'Never Gonna Give You Up' by the same artist. Yeah. Rickrolling? I've got to say, I don't get it. Like, you trick someone into seeing this music video or whatever, but why this? And why is that the reaction? I think when somebody plays this song, everybody should get up and do a dance, or atleast snap and walk. And if anyone had a crazy 80s clothes they would put it on. If your intent is to get the better of someone, then you should trick them into watching a video of somebody pooping. That's how you do a number on someone. Hah! Literally!

I think all Rick Astley songs are great for when you just want to be a crazy guy or lady.

5. The Zombies - She's Not There
Aw man, this song is one of the best ever written. Only problem? It's only two and a half minutes long! So you only get to jam for two and a half minutes and then you have to repeat it or play a different song. What a bummer! The only thing I can come up with to explain this is that maybe when this song came out, people were just getting so high that they usually didn't stay conscious for much more than 2 minutes after putting on an album. So The Zombies, being of sound mind, knew that they didn't have to waste any more time than that. Shit... maybe everyone just passed out and they were like, 'Fuck it, keep this one short. I'm starting to see shit.' A crazy time, the 20s.

This is a song with a story, and he's got these great lyrics to explain it. He's like, oh man, this babe, she's like, DD's, itty-bitty waist, butt like, 'Yeah!', but she's crazy, man. Or maybe she's not crazy, maybe she's psychotic. Like she's a man-killer. See? The song isn't about her being missing or some shit. It's about her being mentally 'not there'.

The Zombies utilize several instruments for this song, which is no doubt, one of the things that makes it great. There is an organ, and a guitar, and some drums, and maybe more, it's hard to tell. Any complaints about this song? Unfortunately, yes. Since this song was written, there has been a notable lack of rhythm-sticks in any song. Why? The Zombies should have been keen enough to pick up on this, and really operate those rhythm-sticks in this song, and get the trend really going. Rhythm-sticks are always a great instrument, so more = better. Unfortunately that is not the case, and that's why this song gets a penalty, but I'm still giving it 5 stars because it ROCKS!

Quality of Life Index

Monday, May 11th, 2009:

Woke up with a hangover for the third day in a row: -19
Saw a dog looking over a fence: +21
Met a robot dinosaur: +14
Had a club sandwich for lunch which was perfectly designed: +5
Saw a chipmunk: +12
Cute barista made a smoothie for me, possibly using extra banana: +6
Cute barista did not give me the drink for free or wink: -3
Drove home and forgot that my normal route is closed, but the road was actually not closed: +4
Saw a bird picking up leaves and looking under them: +3
Watched The Fifth Element: +3
Daily QLI: 46

Captcha

Uhmm... Help?

Sacs in the city...

Some of the marketing I come across these days:

Exactly...

Exact Odds

9:33 PM
me: Jon
me: Jon are you really away?
me: Jon I have challenged someone to a dance off I think I may have made a mistake
jon: i am rarely away
jon: a dance-off is a mistake 50% of the time
me: how do you figure?
jon: well it either is, or is not, a mistake
me: but... that's 1 in 2 odds
jon: precisely

Scheduly

A mentally disabled child advertising a lemonade stand using a 'take one' flier only feet from his stand. This is not how one should describe their business:

And how the shit do you pronounce Scheduly?

Fly Fishing with Jon

10:17PM
jon: man, i could totally be fly fishing right now
jon: if i had, like, a fly fishing pole
dave: I thought you had to work
jon: and a stream
jon: yeah, but in the office if i had those things
jon: i could definitely put a stream right over there
jon: freaking salmon jumping all up in that bitch
dave: Jon I would file this idea away for another day.
jon: i'm going to start digging the stream

Optimists and Pessimists

It's not very often that I try to wax philosophical with you. It's not that I don't think you're worthy of the discussion, I just think we both like to spend our time on other things. But every now and again, a topic comes up, and maybe the mood is just right. Not like I've lit candles for you or anything, I'm talking more like me showing up for $5 pizzas tonight, and being told that they're sold out.

You see, depending on if, and how you know me, you might fancy me an optimist, or a pessimist, but in fact I am neither. I am a very, very strict realist. I am a scientist, and believe that the universe works, at some level, in a logical way. I do not have the luxury of 'luck' or 'hope'. I simply try to analyze the situation, and see the outcome logically, based on the information available.

And the information available is vast, and it's varied! No two situations include exactly the same data, and the possible amount of available data is so vast that no individual or collection of individuals could ever completely calculate it. And even if you could calculate all of the knowns of a situation, the unknowns are, by definition, uncountable.

But, this is how I operate. I take a situation which is unmanageable, and try to approximate it into something meaningful, and that is how I see the world. So when I walk up to the counter at the gas station, and they're selling lottery tickets, I think about how the lottery works, they have federal oversight to make sure they are operating legitimately, they have to make money for their employees, for taxes, for contributions that they make to education, to pay for advertising and supplies, and I can do the calculations, as to what the odds are of me winning.

I was once told not to start paragraphs with 'and' or 'but', but I did it just there. Fuck you I write how I want!

Some would argue that the odds are against me, and that there is a (making shit up) 65 billion to one chance of winning, but it's more than that! And I'm not talking about fate, I'm talking about the way the world works. Events have one outcome, not two, not three, not an infinite amount. When you approach an event, the roll of the dice, the action that you take, and the events which have led up to that action, determine the roll of the die, not fate, and not luck.

The story of Schrodinger's cat, famous lately because every gob with two ears thinks he's an expert on quantum theory, would be used as an argument against me. A random event occurs, the cat either dies or not, and it is not revealed. But this is not counter to my proposal! It is true we can not know if the cat in schrodinger's box is alive or not, but that does not mean that it is both alive and dead! In reality, the cat has died, or it is alive, and Schrodinger does not postulate otherwise! Schrodinger was discussing Magic, but demonstrating the linkages between things!

Now since there is only one outcome of an event which will occur, there is also only one best way to handle the event: the method which is optimal based on what the result of the event will be.

If we combine these two ideas: That it is not possible to determine the outcome of an event previous to it's occurrence, and that every event does have an optimal route of behavior, it does not mean we can not approximate an event, and even do so very well!

For example, getting out of bed in the morning. Will I get out of bed tomorrow morning? One might say that the odds are very good, but if a man says 'Yes', and I get out of bed tomorrow morning, that man was correct. Could he have known with complete certainty that that was the outcome of the event before it had happened?! No! But that does not change the fact that he was correct! His reason for him being correct is irrelivant, only that he was! He could be guessing, bluffing, he could have made the observation that I usually get out of bed and made his determination thusly, but the fact remains that this individual has navigated the event successfully!

That is an obvious example, but consider flipping a coin. One might say that the amount of information available is insufficient to make a decision, but this is NOT the truth. There is an overwhelming amount of information available! We simply are not able to process it! From the aerodynamic aspects of the environment and the coin, and the mannerisms which will determine how the tosser places the coin in their hand, how they will throw it, these things are real!

An optimist will believe that good things are likely to happen. A pessimist will believe that bad things are likely to happen. And a realist will attempt to derive an answer from what data they ARE able to gather and process, and make a decision based on that.

This is how I know that dishwasher-makers, and dish-soap companies are in league to try to get me to waste dish-soap.

Outback Tonight

These messages were sent while you were offline.

11:09 PM
Jon: david
Jon: i need your help
Jon: i'm considering going out back tonight

If you ever get dumped...

If you ever get dumped, the best possible outcome is stumbling around drunk in your living room, singing Aerosmith songs. Bonus points if you get a concussion while trying to play air-guitar.

Remarkably Unremarkable

All things considered, I think I've lead a remarkably unremarkable life. I'm thankful for this, since it is the thing that allows me the time to think about the things I like to think about and do the things I like to do. There is a word for what that makes me, but it isn't coming to me at the moment.

Revelations

Look here. I've got something to tell you that will be usable in the real world. That's right, what I've got to tell you is mad important and will affect you directly! Allow me to explain:

This morning, I stepped into my closet and was reaching up, trying to turn the light on. Then, like magic, it dawned on me... I was having difficulty turning the light on because my light isn't one with a hanging cord, which I was trying to activate, but one with a switch that was on the wall. Woah. What a revelation. You see, it was a revelation, because it was revealed to me that the light switch was on the wall.

Now you're probably like, "Hold up. This guy can't even remember what kind of light he has in his closet, why am I going to listen to this?" That answer is simple. It was just a mistake. But forget about that story, here is a different one:

I have always hated Connan Obrien (I don't know if I spelled his name right, I don't care), for as long as I can remember, but only this week did it really hit me... See, I don't actually hate Connan Obrien. I hate his show, and I hate it because of the writers. Now, that might seem really obvious to all of you, but let me explain. Anybody can be funny. Anybody can tell a joke or get a rise out of people. And some people are really funny, and can always get people to laugh or bust out all crazy style or whatever. But it takes more than that to be a comedy writer. A comedy writer isn't just funny, because nobody wants to pay tickets to see someone who is just average funny. Nobody wants the fucking mail man to have a show where he talks about mail in a witty way all day. Comedy writers have to be 100% funny because that is the maximum amount of funniness possible.

Now, the writers for the Connan show, they're funny. And that's not good enough. But the average person doesn't realize it, because it's still funny. You watch the show and you're like, 'Eh, that was funny. ha ha.' but you don't actually consciously realize that you're just watching somebody's lame bullshit. Like Connan reads the news and some kid got neglected by his parents or something and he makes a reference to Home Alone. Any fucker can pump out that kind of trash it doesn't even take effort, but you still watch it, because it's kind of funny.

So see, I don't hate Connan, and he's actually an ok guy it seems (did a little research), but the people who write for his show are just not that good. And that's what we call a revelation! I revel in the fact that I've got Connan Obrien on my side now. He's on the team, with me. REVELATIONS. That's what this whole thing is about.

See, in the bible, there is an entire chapter about revelations. Why? Why is there an entire chapter?! Because the bible is like instructions for life, and it wants you to know that you need to have more revelations so you're not walking around like a dumbass. Think about it: If everybody had revelations all the time, we'd all be really really smart probably! And you wouldn't have to worry where your keys are all the damn time. Just be like, 'Ah! There they are! All I had to do was look where they were, and then point at them, and tada!'. What you do now is 'I'm wandering around my house like a dumbass, because I put my keys somewhere and don't know where. I'm actually so stupid that I did something, and don't know what I did.'

So how does this affect you? You can put the bible to work for you TODAY. Here is what you do:

Two or three times a day, stop what the hell you're doing, and just try to figure something out. Like look around you for stuff, or think about what's going on, and just figure something out. Then the next time someone asks you 'What's up?', you can tell them you're not as stupid because you did something good for your mind!

Ingest it! I'm Dr. Dave and I just made a house call to your brain!

With Jon on Bees

BigDave: Jon do you know how much honey a bee makes in one day?
BigDave: Nobody does. Because you can't get close to bees.
BigDave: Jon are you there?

Also check out the latest White Ninja comic.

Gay Marriage and Pageant Losers

I recently made a crass comment on Facebook because I enjoy offending people. Basically I said that Miss California was an idiot and she deserved to lose the Miss USA pageant. But... one of my true friends, and a great man, commented and said that he felt I was incorrect to speak poorly of her. I think very highly of this man, so I feel I am obliged to elaborate for the general public.

This is more of a rant than me making an attempt at comedy, so you may just want to pass. Also if you don't know about the whole Miss USA contestant being afraid of gay people, you might want to check up on that before continuing. The usual disclaimer applies: If you are capable of being offended, are gay, straight, liberal, conservative, jewish, conscious, or dead, please do not read this posting. This is best read while listening to 'Refugee' by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

I'm a cynical douche, so don't bother to correct me here, but I don't think highly of pageant women. Don't get me wrong, if you've got it, flaunt it and all that shit, sure, but being in beauty pageants isn't about that. It's about being the best, whether it be in your city, state, country, or the world. But the best what? The best looking? Nope, because they have talent portions, and ask the girls questions, and shit like that. So what's it about? Being the best douche bag. You get up there, look hot, everyone loves it, then you have to dance around or some shit like that to prove you're a tool, then finally you get to answer simple questions to prove how absolutely stupid and hollow you are. Then the one who did the best job of putting up with it all gets a prize, and cries because they're so happy that they... won... yeah. Good job. There are going to be a thousand teenage boys jacking off to you tonight. The highlight of your life, is something most people would never in their lives stoop to, but we just don't think about it that way, so congratulations.

Now don't hate on me, I'm not saying that's 100% of the time, 100% of the women. If you want to go do that to get your kicks, more power to you. I'm heavily vested in the 'do whatever the fuck you want' camp. But most of these people are trained from a young age, probably abused in more than one way, and this is all they've got. And we admire that, and put it on tv, and stand in our seats and clap for it. And 'fuck you' to everyone who supports this bullshit.

So generalities aside, what I really commented on was this year's contest, where Miss California elegantly stated that in her 'family country' marriage is between 'opposites'. So there are four ways I'd like to analyze this one:

First off, this girl is in a contest to basically prove she doesn't mind being jacked off to, and can act like a tool. She gets asked about gay marriage by a judge who is a well known liberal or progressive or whatever the fuck they're called, and she says she thinks gays don't have rights. That is the stupidest fucking way I can imagine to try and win a beauty pageant. Like, if Snoop Dogg was a judge do you think she would have said that she thinks coloreds should be in the back of the bus? Holy fuck.

Ok, secondly, some people say she is brave for saying what she believed in. So NIGGERS GO TO THE BACK OF THE BUS would have been ok if she believed in that?? Fuck no. Brave might be good in war or some shit like that, and it's great if it keeps you from like, shitting yourself or something, but brave gets you zero points for being offensive or afraid of gay people.

Third, what the fuck is up with this whole gay marriage problem? And this is where I put my two cents. What does Bigfoot have in common with the concept of marriage? Give up? THEY'RE BOTH FUCKING MADE UP. The people who are complaining about gay marriage blow my fucking mind, because it's not like marriage is a tree or air or something that is fucking real and tangible. Nobody is stealing your shiny stones. We're talking about something that was made up by some fucker somewhere between when we crawled out of the ocean and now. I promise you that god is not up there watching who everyone sticks their dick into. He has better shit to do, and if that's what you think is going on, not only does that mean you're a sick fucker, but you think god is a sick fucker too, and that says volumes about your role models. Marriage is just some made up fucking thing made up by a guy thousands of years ago when women were still repressed and treated like objects so that in some way, he could get more sex, and people need to get over it. There's nothing wrong with it. Fuck, like I've been saying, do whatever the hell you want, but stop acting like it's some big important thing. It's just you living your small, inconsequential life in the way you want, and that's what it's all about!

Fourth and finally, everyone who applauds her for saying that marriage should be between opposites, doesn't that mean a cat could marry a dog? So she doesn't think two gay people could get married, but a cat and a dog, sure. What kind of fucked up person is that?

Now to make up for my rant, here is a picture of an apple sucking on a pig that the lovely and talented Natalie Dee did: PigSucker

ANGRY MUSICAL REVIEW: Cats

Moved by the spirit of a great friend today, I will be presenting you with my review of the musical 'Cats'. I'm not really into musicals all that much, and have better things to do than watch them. If it is possible to offend you in any way, you should probably not read this.

As stated, I am not interested in watching or listening to this musical, or whatever, mainly due to the fucked up pictures I found on the internet which display images of whatever freaks they talked into being in this thing, doing just seven different flavors of fucked up. Instead, I will be providing you with a review directly from a basic synopsis I found online:

Act I - When Cats are Maddened by the Midnight Dance
What the FUCK does that mean? I'm really searching here. If we're talking about indoor cats, then maybe they're upset because some jackass in a fucking fur suit is prancing around in the middle of the god damned night, and that's where whoever wrote this got their idea. So the cats are maddened, or being maddened in this act, or some crap. So what do they do? Thex explain that they are some tribe, and they all hang out, and there's a dance tonight and one of them gets to be reincarnated. Oh. Well that makes sense. I'd pay fucking $80 to sit in the fucking loft and watch that. That's got all of my god damn interests rolled into one. Fucking Tribe Bullshit, Cat Dancing, and God Damn Reincarnation. Fuck it! I'll buy tickets to any fucking thing!

They introduce the cats, which from what I gather is a bunch of bullshit. Oh, also one of the cats is named Rumpleteazer. Just... what the shit....

So then there's singing and dancing. Fuck.



Act II - Why Will the Summer Day Delay - When Will Time Flow Away?
Ok, not as bad as the name for the first act, but based on how accurate it proved to be, I bet this act has absolutely NOTHING to do with summer bullshit.

So apparently here they introduce some more cats, which is great. We're half way through the fucking thing and you're still introducing characters. What critic of the arts wouldn't give this two fucking thumbs up? Why, I'd stake my whole reputation on this fucking thing being a literary epidemic of genius! Oh yeah! One of the cats is a train conductor. Fuck em with that too!

You know what? Bullshit. I don't even have to finish reading the script, because the guy is just making shit up. Anybody can do this. What happens next? I bet a cat gets mugged, and then they find a magical cat. Well guess what! They fucking do! They fucking find a magical cat, after one of them gets mugged. And get ready for a spoiler, cause here's the end: One of the cats gets sent to heaven. Holy shit.



If you were to ask my opinion of the musical 'Cats' on a scale of one to ten, I'd just stand there and look at you like the dumbass you are. This is just an hour of furries doing absolutely random shit. And why the fuck is everyone a cat? Where does that metaphor come into play? OH YEAH! I GET IT! IT'S EX-FUCKING-ZACTLY THE SAME AS PEOPLE, BUT WITH CATS. FUCK ME WITH AN OSTRIDGE THAT'S DEEP!!!

Basically, if you're in New York City, and you've got the opportunity to see this, you'd be better off just getting peed on in Times Square. And look... if you've got some kind of thing for the whole 'cat people' furry crap, I don't give a shit, but keep it in the fucking bedroom. You don't see me chasing your retarded ass around the square with a whip, so take a fucking hint.

Problems

I ran into some problems today signing up for an upgraded DropBox account:

Going to try again tomorrow.

Midlife Crisis Rescue Opportunity

The concept of a midlife crisis is a construct of our civilization and society here in America, and it's something you don't really find in a country like India or China. Granted I'm generalizing here, and society as a whole is progressing at a great speed in eastern countries (and fuck you if you take offense anyway), but in India, for example, you are born into a caste or a role, and you know how your life is going to be. There are predefined expectations and limitations. In America, however, we don't have that. The very American Dream is to start with nothing and rise to the top, and it's an image embedded in us by our friends, family, the media, everything around us.

The issue with this is that it's bullshit. Even if you do start with nothing and rise to the top, you're pushing some other schmuck down, so it's not possible for everyone to achieve the great dream. Even if everyone had complete and total drive, and motivation, it is economically impossible for everyone to win, because at the end of the day, someone has to clean up all the shit, and unfortunately you can't buy a mansion on a shit-cleaner's salary. Furthermore, with things like car wrecks, cancer, skydiving accidents, etc, a lot of people are simply cut down before they have a chance to achieve anything close to the dream.

Hence we have the midlife crisis. At some point, you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize that you're not going to make it. There is never going to be some magical event that puts you on top of the world. You're not going to have a private jet, helicopter, a 40-acre villa, a penthouse apartment, scantily clad maid women serving you, whatever your fancy is. You're just not going to get it. You're going to wake up, go to work, and sit in an office for the next 20 years, then retire, maybe travel to Europe or some bullshit like that, eventually forget how to control your pooping, and then die.

And it can go beyond that. You might have different opinions about life after death and heaven and hell and nirvana and all that, but being a man of science, I'm fairly sure that after you die, your body rots in the ground. After that everyone you've ever known dies, and after that everyone you've ever affected dies. Some time after that, before the universe cools, the last human dies, earth, the solar system, the milky way, they're all destroyed in mundane ultra-cosmic day-to-day happenings, and nothing you've done ever matters.

Some people find this mildly depressing.

So... you realize this, go buy a sports car, try to date a model or something stupid like that, then grow old and die anyway, because there's nothing you can do to change things. There's your midlife crisis.

Luckily, I am able to sell blessings which will save your soul, and let you spend eternity in heaven with 69 virgins. Unfortunately the lord does not let me accept cash donations, but you can use the button below to buy things on my wish list for me. For every item you get me, I will send you directly to paradise after you die. I want you to keep in mind the value that you are getting. Is paradise worth $50? $500? $50,000? Hell yes it is. Get on this.

LIVE STREAMING UPDATE FEED BEGIN:

Lately I've read a lot of science crap articles, and I was originally going to write a bit about how to violate the first law of thermodynamics in your bedroom, but instead, I have developed a new physics joke:

How do you cool a system to absolute zero temperature? Well, if the system is you and some chick, just try to put a move on her, you lame-o.

Hahaha! God damn science is funny.

Ok so on a more serious front, what have I been up to lately? Let me tell you.

First off, Amber got a job!! She will soon be an official manager. Well, in a couple months, which is a long time to wait for her, but hey, what the hell. It's an awesome job, so it is worth it! I am proud of her.

I got some new car insurance through State Farm. I told the girl on the phone that I am a balls-to-the-wall street racer, and that my pedal is to the metal, because I wanted her to know that my driving skills were awesome, but I don't know if she believed me, because I'm paying a ton for car insurance now!! What a rip! Also when I asked Geico for a quote, they included 10 million dollars in property damage coverage on my quote, which I think is an insurance insult. Anyway, I'm still waiting on buying my mercedes, because not only do I not have a garage at my place right now, but also I am sure they would charge me an arm and a leg to insure it, and I make my lively hood with my arms! And my legs on the weekends, sometimes.

Not much new to report on my search for HOOSIER GOLD. I feel like I am close, but I don't know... I'm starting to have a bad feeling about it. Like I just hope this story doesn't end on some lame note, like I discover that Hoosier Gold is in all of our hearts, or the love of a child, or it's an RV or something.

Guide to Enjoying Wine

Looking to impress a special lady? Show her how much wine you can drink at once! But how, if you don't know about wine? Getting a good wine experience is a hard thing to do, because wine is one of the finer things in life, and that means sometimes it takes some work. But don't worry! I'm going to show you exactly how to get some great wine, and enjoy it too!

So where do you get wine? There are three places: The Store, Make it yourself, Somebody else makes it. Of course the easiest way to get wine is to go to the store, but think about it, wine didn't start magically, people used to make it by hand, and you can do this too!! Just imagine putting a bunch of your own wine into a bottle, and keeping it in your cellar for over 100 years! What class!! But that is not the easiest way, so I'm going to focus on going to the store. Also, if someone else has made the wine, like maybe a good buddy, drink up, because you won't live forever anyway, and if your friend's wine kills you, what a great prank!

There are different kinds of stores with different kinds of wine. Don't be a dumbass, and make sure that you go to a store with lots of wine. And don't be a d-bag when you go to the store. If you walk in there all looking like an ass and knocking stuff over, nobody is going to want to talk to you or anything. You'll probably get shunned.

So how do you pick out a good wine? Really dumb people will pick a bottle up, and read the label. Hah! Why is this so stupid? Go get two bottles of wine, and compare the labels. They say EXACTLY THE SAME THING. They just change the positioning and the colors so that you don't notice!

No, the only way to really tell if a wine is good is to taste it, but that's frowned upon in the store. Also, since they all get you drunk, you're not going to remember what the bottle looked like anyway, and if you liked it! Because of this, when you buy a bottle of wine, buy a full case (36) of them at once. That way if the wine is good, you already have a ton of it to enjoy! And if it's bad, what are you buying all that wine for if you don't like it?

So how do you select a wine? There are a lot of options:
Basically, you can buy any kind you want, as long as it is not white zinfandel. If you buy this and show it to a lady, she will think you are gay, but hey, that's ok! Being gay is a great way to get the ladies too!!

The main kinds of wine are this: Red Wine, White Wine, Box Wine, Mead, and Other
Red wine is a lot like grape juice. Don't try to act like it is not. To test this, get some grape juice and drink it. Bam. Same freaking thing.

White wine is a more refined wine, which is made by running a red wine through a coffee filter basically (think of a larger scale). This wine is better for the ladies, because it doesn't turn their whole mouth red and it looks like you're a wine-o.

Box wine is a party wine, used for playing Edward Box-Wine-Head Hands. Here is how you do that: For each person at your party, you will need one box of wine. Using duct-tape, tape the box of wine to the side of their head, and then put a tube from the opening on the box wine so the person can drink it. Then basically everyone drinks the wine and has a great time. Also, once the syphon effect starts, there is wine all over! What a great party!

Mead is wine made from honey, instead of grapes. Nobody is sure how they do this.

Other wine is great too, like Boones Farm or Thunderbird. If you drink a whole bottle of thunderbird by yourself, it turns your teeth black! Great if your son or daughter is a goth or emo. Other 'other' wines might be like, novelty wine that you buy at Spencers Gifts shaped like a dong or something.

Wine can be all kinds of prices, but there's a safe, legal trick to get you to save a whole bunch of money on your wine! Nobody knows what wine is really worth, so just bring a marker with you to the store, and when you see a wine you want, scratch out the price or barcode and write $3 on the bottle! then when you get to the cashier, tell them it's half off! They'll think you're the smartest shopper ever!

You can drink wine alone, but that is called an alcoholic. To really enjoy wine, you need a lady with you. This is even true if you're a lady! Two dudes drinking some wine together just doesn't really do it. If there are two dudes together, and #1 on the priority list is drinking some wine, well... I don't know what your plans are for the evening, but probably something strange.

Some wine aficionados will tell you that there are 5 characteristics to look for in wine: Scent, Taste, Sight, Touch, and Sound. This is not true, and is just a way that people try to look smart. All you really have to do is make sure there's nothing in your glass that there shouldn't be. If something came out of the bottle that is not wine-like, like machinery parts, or maybe there's floaty stuff in it or fungus, then you need to get that out before you drink it. Wine is like cheese, it's ok if there's stuff in it, and sometimes it makes it better! You'll know if you like a wine immediately, based on if it tastes good or not. If it's great, then you love it! And if it's bad, then you probably don't want to drink it again, but you've got 35 other bottles, so shouldn't have done that, huh?

Armed with this new information, you're probably ready to go enjoy some wine! Just remember to take it easy. If you drink a lot of wine, and throw up, it's pretty nasty, and nobody is going to think you're cool. Also, you'll be covered in throw up, or you'll throw up in somebody's living room, and that's just nasty man!!!

So go have a good time, and be a little classy for me! I know you will!

Personal Quality Guarantee

Recently, a friend asked me: Big Dave, how do you all the time stay so sexy and everything you wear looks good on you?

I am not a jealous man, or a liar, so I am going to share one of my favorite being-sexy tips with you today. It is called my Personal Quality Guarantee, or PQG for short. These are just simple rules which I abide by, in order to only expose myself to the highest quality of life, and the best things. By following these rules, I can be sexy not only when the situation is right, but all the time, simply because I am always doing my best!

Your PQG's will differ from mine of course, because not everyone has the same things around them and life happenings, but everyone can make some simple rules to live by, and have a better time! I will give you some of my PQG's here, so that you have the best role model for which to base your life:

I will not eat anything that has been in another person's mouth. This PQG is fairly basic, and you can probably use this one too! Something that has been in the mouth of another person is probably not something you want to eat. The logic is simple: They did not want to eat it after it was in their mouth, so you will probably think the same. This rule can be bent though. For example, if someone really great put something in their mouth, and then decided not to eat it, maybe it is still ok, and they just were having a moment or something. Also, this generally only applies to food. A retainer, for example, should not be eaten, but only because it's not a food. It's supposed to go in a mouth and then out again.

Never give an animal the benefit of the doubt. This is another rule which is more like, a commandment, rather than something all crazy. You can use this one as well. For example, a lot of people will talk about how smart horses are, and all the things they can do, but this is just stupid! Why do you need to brag about horses? What does that say about your insecurities? You must be some kind of really strange person to want to babble about something like that. Like, what do you want? At the end of the conversation, everyone goes out and buys 100 horses? Or Owls. Everyone is like: Oh, Owls are so old and wise! Yeah, well maybe some are, but they're probably just putting you on, because what great thing has an owl ever done? Make an owl pellet? Those are for children!

Always pretend to know a cab driver or valet. This pertains to me a lot because I am in a location where there are motor-vehicles. If you are somewhere without cars, like the jungle, this might not apply to you. The basis is twofold: First off, everyone will think you know every cab driver and valet in the city, and they'll think, "Hmm, this guy really knows how to network!", which is an impressive thing. Secondly, the cab drivers and valets will all question themselves at first, and wonder where you know them from. They might be extra friendly to you at first, because they don't want to be rude, but if you ever seen them again, you can pretend to know them again, but this time it will be for real. That is called 'rapport'.

Scoff whenever asked to use a pen with that ball-chain attached like at the bank. This is one of the absolute best PQG's, but it's not for everyone. This is a good PQG if you're at the bank sometimes, or maybe a chinese-takeout place. People sometimes will ask you to sign something, or fill out a piece of paper. Be like, "Oh, I don't have a pen" and they will point out the ball-chain pen. When they do this, scoff, and act like you're not sure if they're serious. They will be insulted that their pen was not good enough, and then they will eventually get the hint, and install a fine fountain pen. Then, everywhere you go will have really nice pens to write with. Other people will think that this is because you are a classy guy. And hey, they'll be right!

Never use a public restroom if more than 30% of its surfaces are covered in blood. This PQG is good if you're around voodoo a lot. Not so useful otherwise, but still smart. You see, if you go into a restroom, and the ceiling and walls are dripping blood, and there's a skeleton and the toilets and sinks are full of blood, is it a good idea to use that restroom? Probably not. But now, imagine a clean restroom, which is sparkly and has automatic sensors on the sink and toilet. Is it safe to use? Yes. So where do we draw the line? 70% blood? 50% blood? 10% blood? No. 30% is the correct number.

Every time I put furniture together, I keep all the extra parts and cheap tools that come with it for assembly. This PQG is great if you're living in the big city. Every time you put furniture together, it comes with maybe some extra parts, and then an allen wrench or something to help with assembly. Keep those extra parts, and put them somewhere, then when somebody needs to assemble something, you just offer them whatever they need, and they're like, "Wow, that's impressive, like a handy man. I'll invite them to my next party."

Forget to know answers sometimes. This is a good PQG that is one of my favorites! Sometimes, someone will come up to you and ask you "How do I get to third street" or "Where is the remote control?" or "Why is all this stuff here?" and you can just act like you don't know at all! Being humble is a virtue, and nothing is more humble than straight pretending like you don't know something. This will make people think you're a really great guy, and always want to be around you.

Of course that's not all of them, but you get the idea. These are just some rules I follow so that I know I'm always an upstanding guy, and one for the ladies to like. Try it yourself, for great success!

Inappropriate Slide

WW2, The Simple Version

World War II, The Simple Version (Zoom in on the image if you need to)

Neat Military Pictures

Check out these three links for some cool military pictures. Neat, AND cool. Tell me that's not a value.

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Gutters

Rock of Love

I truly am unable to figure out why people like Bret Michaels, like... at all. He must have some kind of aura, because I remember the band in the 80s, and they sucked then, but not as much as they suck now.

Maybe it's one of those pacts with the devil that I got declined for.

Mo Money, Mo Problems. Not really

So I was just denied an American Express credit card for the following reason:
"Date of last credit check too recent"

So as I understand it, I can't get a credit card because I checked my credit recently. By that logic, I should also be penalized for looking in my wallet to see if I had an Olive Garden gift certificate.

Oh well. My business goes elsewhere.

The Humans Are Dead

Apple Computer

Apple Computer

Beyond explanation

I have no possible idea what could have caused this short chain of events. I am dumbfounded.

Young Genius

This new job is requiring me to really expand upon my skills. Luckily, this was what I wanted, and I have a great ability to figure things out, which was even recognized by people at a young age. When I was only a small boy, I had an idea for a movie called 'Licking Birdie's Boobie', which was to be about a woman from Licking county who had a Boobie, one of those birds with the blue feet. And the movie would be a great juxtaposition of life since the woman's name is Birdie, and we're comparing events in her life to the events in the bird's life. So you seen, even at a young age my brilliance was apparent. Also I once cracked open a magic 8 ball to see what was inside.

But you see, I'm afraid the real genius has nothing to do with my job at all, but my REAL reason for moving to Indiana. Again, when I was a young child, one of the most fascinating things to me was fables, since some were mystery, but some were real, and who could ever separate the two to know the truth?! One of my favorite fables was the story of men who would travel out west in the early days of our country, in search of gold. But if so many people went out that way, where did they all go? Why have we never found their bones? What became of all those people, entire towns, up and moved into the west, never to be seen again. Well, that, my friends, is not fable at all, but the truth! And I have spent most of my manly years searching for the truth behind this mystery, and I tell you I've found it! These brave men and women and children who went off into the west in search of riches FOUND that gold and treasure! And it was Hoosier Gold. That's right. The largest deposit of gold is located in Indiana, and as soon as I secure permission from the Bloomington City Council to excavate in the basement of the 6th Street Chevron station, I will be the richest man ever to live.

I announce this to the public only now, since today I heard news that a basketball team was searching for Hoosier Gold. Let it be known then that I will not be bested in this, my quest, to unearth a treasure greater than the fountain of youth: Hoosier Gold.

Today, my dream is one step closer to fulfillment.

Sitting in a hotel room alone. What? Yeah.

'What?' and 'Yeah.' should be mandatory in every rap song. Not necessarily in that order.

So sitting alone in a hotel room gives me some time to just type, which is a nice thing. Normally I'd break out a video game, but I've been neglecting the public for too long.

So I don't know if you've seen Oddee, but it's time you do. Oddee is this site where once a day they update with a list of things. Sometimes it's informative, sometimes funny, sometimes just dumb as hell. today's kinda fits into all three of those categories. And numerous categories I have not listed as well! Check it out:

http://www.Oddee.com/item_96545.aspx

I'm off to play some Pokemon.

Chilling in Bloomington

Just a short update for today.

So I'm in my new town now, just hanging out in a hotel. So far work is good, and it seems like I'm working with some really smart and experienced guys, so... great! It's going to be very hard getting used to though.