Amber, seriously, you've got to get with the times

I'm writing this on my blog. Although normally I would twitter 140 characters about this, so far as I know you do not follow my Twitter, Amber. The point of this, is thus: Look what trouble you've caused.

My girlfriend said that my present this year depends on me being available on the 30th. This was fairly depressing for me, since I did not want to go see Grease. Also depressing was that I had asked for Fallout 3, and nobody got it for me. So here I am, instead of getting what I wanted, I have to be terrified because on the 30th I have to go see something that will be not great.

So, basically I'm a dumbass, despite all my intellect and great ideas and everything I've ever accomplished or thought of in my lifetime, which while not unsurpassed, is exceptional. My girlfriend got tickets to Spamalot for me. Which you can research on wikipedia. It's basically pretty much the sweetest present I've received since I got the lego monorail. I'm always impressed with how she always puts a personal touch into gifts, so that regardless of money, or my mood, or whatever, she always comes up with a gift that really makes me feel the love, but this year she has outdone herself. While this does mean I have to leave the house to enjoy the gift, this is pretty much the most awesome thing I can think of. More thanks to follow.

Flip-Cup Survivor

I think most inventions happen in parallel. For example, once everyone heard that people were trying to fly, everyone with an IQ over 120 probably figured out how to do so. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean everyone built an airplane. Fuck. Who had airplane parts at that time? Nobody. BUT... the idea was probably not all that unique. To that effect, I present you with the following.

Tonight, I was at a party, where an invention of mine appeared totally out of the blue: Flip-Cup Survivor.

Flip-Cup Survivor is where two teams play flip-cup, like normal, but the loosing team has to vote one person off their team, leaving them with one less person. Then, the additional cup must be claimed by someone on the team. I invented this game earlier this year, although as I have said, I'm sure others have invented it also.

The primary advantage of flip-cup survivor is that people get to yell about survivor while the game is going on, and during, and after someone is being voted off. Additional advantages include the teams having to drink more as people are voted off. If, for example, two teams of 8 start out playing, and each team, purely by chance, ends up voting off 7 people, then by the last round, each person is drinking 8x the amount a normal person would drink. Which totally enhances the drinking game.

So... there you have it. Go forth and drink. Unless you already are in this manner, in which case fuck you, because I've been playing ping-pang-pong since you were swimming around in somebody's nut sack. And you're ugly.

Vista Upgrade - Part 3

So Vista has some quirks. First off, if I restart with my USB thumbdrive plugged in, it won't start. Secondly, every time I restart it tells me I've installed new updates, which at this point I can tell is not true.

I installed my first game, FarCry, and it came up saying the program wouldn't work, here's a suggestion. I tried the suggestion, installing .Net 1.1 framework, and still no luck. Apparently there's a missing DLL, which Windows is unable to figure out... so...

Not thrilled so far.

Vista Upgrade - Part 2

So after hanging out on the phone with Microsoft's India-based tech support for an hour and a half, I discovered that their tech support has no fucking clue what they're doing. I was even given improper instructions for putting my computer into selective startup mode, so lucky I knew what I was doing myself.

I gave up on the whole upgrade idea, and decided to do a clean install, which worked. Windows Vista installer asked me almost nothing, and in turn, installed a bunch of crap I didn't want. If you're seriously still using a fax machine... just... just stop.

So the first thing I did was install drivers for my new Netgear wireless adapter. It worked, but it took me telling windows:
1> I want to run the file I just clicked on, yes...
2> Yes, I want to install this driver
3> Yes... I want to install this driver...

Also, why does the screen have to black out twice while I'm installing a network adapter?

Next, I tried getting updates from Microsoft, since things like my audio and video drivers weren't working, and I'm sure there are all kinds of security updates. I was not shocked when the updater tool reported that it was unable to find updates, and gave me an error code. Fortunately, I am armed with many a Microsoft tool, and decided to restart! Something I have not done with my mac for about a month now.

Hitting start, and then the power button icon, however, did not turn my computer off, but put it instead, into some kind of blank screen mode, where my computer's fans are still humming away, but the computer becomes useless. Hitting a key on the keyboard, the monitor sprung back to life, and presented me with a mouse pointer. Nothing else.

Fortunately, I am armed with many a Microsoft tool, and decided to restart! I hit the power button, and then Vista decided to shut down, for real this time. Lucky me.

After restarting, it was able to find updates, which is where I sit now.

Vista Upgrade - Post 1

A lot of people at work are saying that Vista is a mature, stable operating system now that it's been out for a while, so I've decided to try it. I will chronicle my experience here.

The installer froze after I entered the product key and clicked next. Good omen there.

Safety Tip

I heard today that when you're cooking, you're supposed to make sure the handles of the pots and pans don't hang off the edge of the stove top, because if they do, an infant might grab them.

But seriously, if there is an infant wondering around my house that I am unaware of, I have bigger problems than my cooking style.

Wax & Wane

So it's Wednesday, and these beers aren't going to drink themselves. I figure while I'm at it, I may as well wax philosophical with you for a few, and share some of my thoughts, and maybe a little about myself. Why drink on a Wednesday? Well, Wednesday is 'Hump Day'. Do you have any idea how long it took me to understand what that meant? Let me tell you: MORE THAN 25 YEARS SO FAR.

So I did come through on one of my threats so far, and I bought the iPod Touch. Let me tell you something. Some purchases, you're like, 'Eh, that's a lot of money, I'm not sure if it's worth it, or a good time to buy', or some shit like that. That was me. But wow. This thing is fucking pretty sweet. I am literally more awesome because I own this thing. This isn't a sales pitch, but hear me out: First off, this thing is an iPod, which is awesome, and I've not had an iPod which plays music before, BUT, it's more. And I'm not going to tell you about spending your money on some retarded applications for it or dumb shit like that. The deal is this... it's got wireless, and email/web. That means when I'm hanging out, and somebody says some sly shit, trying to sneak one past Big Dave, I just flick out the Touch, open wikipedia, and lay them out strait. Or, check my email to see if any fly ladies are trying to hit me up for some gentlemanly advice. Or, you know. Whatever dumbass shit you do on the net. Not only that, but before on my old iPod, I had 2 Gig. Now don't get a man wrong. 2 Gig is a lot of memory. Still today. If you can't put it on 2 gig, then you probably need to go optimize that shit, or you've got a lot of porn, or it's a game. So 2 gig is cool, but once you've got 32 gig, well you realize that maybe 2 gig was holding you back. My original iPod musical catalog was just that, 2 gig, but now on this new baby, I've added another gig of awesome songs. That's value you can count, baby. Over one billion bytes worth. And I do enjoy that extra music.

I haven't gone for the camera or the shoes yet, because I had to go take my car to the shop for some fixing, so I'm going to give it some time for the camera, and honestly... I don't fucking care about shoes. Really, of all the shit a person wears, who the shit looks at their shoes? I'll tell you who. People who are looking down at the ground all the time, and those people don't necessitate me throwing down any money.

What else can I rap about tonight? I've got some beers here which were actually brewed by a friend of Amber's, and they're really quite good. Like, I'd buy this in the store, for sure. As long as it wasn't too expensive. A man's got to be careful about what he spends on getting wasted, because there are more important things. Like a new camera.

Does anybody have the Marley version of 'I shot the sheriff' that doesn't suck ass? Because I've got the version off of his greatest hits, and it's fucking crap. If you do, please shoot me an email, or message me, or whatever. Seriously, it's an awesome song, and this version is so bad it's tainting my image of the man.

I think what this post really comes down to, is that particularly in hard economic and political times like these, it's important to focus on what is awesome in life. So go do that.

Economic Stimulus Package

Sorry for the short update, but I just wanted to take a minute and say how glad I am that the economic stimulus package worked. Oh wait... where'd all that fucking money go?

Go Away, NYTimes

More proof that the New York Times just watches my blog and steals my ideas:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/18/business/yourmoney/18money2.html

Economic Status Report: Market Crash

It is no shock to most people that the stock market is totally fucked. We've had Bush for 8 years, after all. But while most people are running around like idiots, worrying about money and retirement, they ignore one of the strongest fundaments of our society: The market is bad, so instead of saving your money, go buy some shit.

That's right. There has never been a better time in history to just buy shit. I mean, what else are you going to do with the money? Lose it? Here are some things I plan to buy, while there's nothing better to do with money:
iPod Touch
Canon Rebel XSi
Nike Shox with Nike + iPod

I encourage you to make your own list, then go buy stuff. You're going to die soon.

Election 2008 Update

As you all know, I'm so deep in this election shit that I can barely see. My eyes are literally full of election materials. Literally. Many have been waiting for this moment for years, but I am ready to announce my support for the candidate which I believe will usher us into a new age of awesomeness: Barack Obama.

It was not an easy decision, and know that I took my time deciding. The major factors were:
1> John McCain is a fucker
2> How do you spell Barack Obama?
3> Which candidate is most likely to use the song 'Rock of Ages' by Def Leppard at some point during their presidency?

After using The Google to find Obama's name and figure out how to spell it correctly, I believe he is the best man for the job, other than me and my random constituents.

I have established an election headquarters for the general area of Northern-West-Hamilton in my bedroom, from which I will be delivering updates, minutely, via my twitter account, just like other credible individuals from the news and whatnot:
http://twitter.com/bigdavesmith

ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND:

I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND, I WILL CONTINUE PERFORMING AMAZING FEATS. NEVER BEFORE HAS A MOUTH WASH BEEN ABLE TO LAST MORE THAN 12 HOURS. 12 HOURS, A MAGICAL BARRIER BETWEEN WHICH MOUTHWASH CAN NOT PENETRATE. MOUTH WASH COULD BE MADE, AND IT COULD BE MADE FOR OVERNIGHT, OR IT COULD BE MADE FOR 12 HOURS, BUT NEVER MORE. IT IS MY INTENTION TO BREAK THIS BARRIER, ONCE AND FOR ALL, SO THAT MOUTHWASH MAY LAST ANY AMOUNT OF TIME, BEYOND 12 HOURS, BEYOND 24 HOURS, BEYOND 48 HOURS, AND INTO THE FUTURE!!! MOUTHWASH MAY EVEN BECOME PERMANENT, WHICH WOULD BE HAVING YOUR TEETH REMOVED, AND PEPPERMINTS PUT IN THERE, BUT EVEN THAT WOULD ONLY LAST UNTIL YOU DROOLED ALL UP THE PEPPERMINTS, SO WE'RE NOT QUITE THERE YET, ARE WE?

THIS FEAT WILL BENEFIT ALL OF MANKIND, AND I WILL GIVE OF IT COMPLETELY FREELY.

Education Hour

Thank you for stopping in on my blog. For the next hour, I will be explaining the entomology of variations of the term 'homosexual'. I have been reading books since the 1600s, and am lingually competent in over almost half a dozen dialects. This post is not meant to be derogatory in any way to people of the same-people loving pursuasion. It is not well known, but I actually do not care about what people like, or do with other people, or anything really. I just absolutely do not give a shit about what any of you do. You could go fuck a beehive for all I care, and I really would not even notice. Like it'd be tuned out. This post is simply for the purpose of education, so that you do not have to travel to England and search the Tomb of Muntabi for ancient scripts which reveal true meaning. You can sit there and read. You lazy ass.

Faggot - Perhaps the most well known of terms we will be discussing here tonight, it is commonly known that the term Faggot actually means 'a bundle of sticks'. Assuming you know the male anatomy, that explains the sticks part. Now, to complete the desiccation of this word, we must reverse-pluralize. If there were many sticks together, that might be assumed to be a bundle, which is an efficient way to carry such an item. Then by combining the plural sticks into one bundle, you get a faggot. Don't think about it too hard.

Sword Fighter - This one is kind of hard to explain. Like just if two guys were nekkid... and like, just imagine a sword fight. You might figure it out. I'm not going to really go into this.

Butt Pirate - Also not really easy to explain. I'm going to skip.

Fudge Packer - Some of these are just not easy to talk about.

Pole Smoker - Ok, so this one is dooable. If we go back to the faggot one... that's like, we talked about sticks, right? And if you smoked a stick or something... never mind.

Queer - Queer means strange, from latin or some shit, and Catholics think gay people are strange, so there you go.

Homo - Can't figure this one out, really. The nearest I can get is a transformation of 'holo', from the latin 'holographus' or 'to-write'. So maybe like, supposing that gay people write more than strait people? But then I'm not sure how that's derogatory.

Large Heyanotgonnaremember Collider

We are all going to die. Tomorrow, they are turning on the LHC and it will create fantastic anomalies which will destroy the world, such as Strange matter and black holes. You are not afraid of this, because you will die relatively quickly, but this is not the case with me. I will likely see the black hole coming, and I will reach out and grab it, and hold it back for as long as I can, before my muscles finally fatigue and I am sucked in as well. For those days, or possibly a week that I will be alone in the empty universe with the singularity, it will be very inconvenient for me, and also when I pee, it will be sucked into the black hole I am holding, which will be gross. Like, my hand might get urined. By me.

Also, if the LHC creates some type of Strange matter which transforms, and annihilates all other matter, destroying existence as we know it, I will likely be the only thing unaffected, since with my awesome abilities, I will prevent my personal particles from changing in any way. Again, I will just have to hang out by myself for a long time then. It is possible that I will be surrounded by some type of strange plasma, completely featureless, and it will be boring.

If you're near the LHC, I urge you to disable it with a hammer. If you're dedicated, you can do it, and do a lot before someone actually stops you. That's how I get all that cheap corn at the store.

At your service

Folks! Friends! Family and all visitors! So often today I hear concern about the world, or politics, or the election, or the economy, or the environment. Fear not! For you fear in vain! You are in the presence of one of the world's greatest and most well known philosophers and idea men! There is no quandry which you will bring before me which I can not solve, and everything else? Why I can completely ignore that. It has absolutely no meaning to me. Let me explain:

A lot of people are talking about the race for president, mainly because that Sarah lady looks like Tina Fey (OMF TINA I LOVE YOU!!!@)11 V3) and because Obama is black, which makes him basically like Will Smith in the whitehouse, which is a no brainer. People are worried about which candidate will get elected, and which will not, but it doesn't matter, because no matter who gets elected, when it comes down to it, they're all going to come to me for the right advice, and I'm gonna say the same thing either way.

Were you aware that I have absolutely mastered, with perfect and infallible skill, the ability to negotiate foreign policy? That means I'm the freakin man for the freakin job. Scratch one problem, because I'm already taking care of it.

What about like, the environment? Do you know what to do about that? Kill. You have to kill, and kill and kill and kill absolutely everything that pollutes. Be smart about it, and like, start killing people before they see you, because it's going to be hard to destroy cars and power plants with people all around. And if you kill someone else who is an environmentalist, that's called natural selection, baby, and that's a G-thang to the earth.

And if it's something smaller, like, I can handle that too. It's not a problem. Maybe you've got a problem with your job situation, or you can't figure out how to do some math problem. I'm gonna figure that out. Maybe I'm not going to do the math for you, but I'll be like... Go to Jerry "Math Man" McJingles. He'll tell you the answer. That's not only delegation, which is another skill, but that just makes sense, because you don't want my dumb ass doing your homework. Teacher would think you're dumb as shit.

I heard in the news today that Korea is on the way to being crazy again, and they're all on the news, like... "Oh no! Korea! What will happen?!" God damn... I tell you... some people are just total knobs. If there's some kind of problem in Korea, I'll give you a list of the things I need, in like... 2 hours, and I'll go take care of it. Like for example maybe I'll have a giant plane made, like literally ten times larger than a normal large plane, and I'll just fucking crash it into whatever is causing the problem over there, you know? And like, I don't even mind. If someone else is like, "Hey, you crashed a plane into that country, that's a crime!" I'd just fucking crash a plane into them too. I don't even care. It is absolutely not an inconvenience to me. I could do it for years, and I would not even notice. Maybe another tactic I could use is get the other country leader guy into the united nations, and just lay into him. Like, not even funny. Give him such a shit talking, that you put him right in his place, and there are NO questions. Even follow him out to his car, and then follow his car to his plane, and then get on the plane, and fly back to his country, and just stare at him. Maybe for a day. Epic-style hardcore shit talking right there. That's how a problem gets solved.

At your service.

Pizza Rules: The Followup

In my previous post, I talked a little bit about enlightenment. It's an important topic, and a word that people generally don't know how to use. Like, for example, if your mail disappeared all the time, and then one day you discovered your neighbor was stealing it... that's not getting enlightened. That's just figuring something out. You're not special. People do that all the time. I figure shit out basically every day, and I eat food basically every day, so that's not something great that happened to you.

Also a controversial topic from my last post: eating meat. Some people don't like it, but I don't see what the big deal is. There's lots of shit I don't like, but it's not like I make up words for it. Like since I don't like beets, I'm not going around saying I'm a disbeetconsumeraman, and that it's part of my lifestyle. Nobody cares what you fucking eat. And restaurants... you don't need to put that 'Vegetarian Options' section on the menu. People are smart enough to figure out if they're ordering a big fucking sausage, or lettuce. And if they aren't, then fuck em.

Also, I'd like to live long enough to see us elect the first dead president. And see them put him in some suit, and prop him up while someone plays that Hail to the chief song. And I don't think it's really that unreasonable, because people are really sensitive about dead bodies, but if one was the president, you'd basically have to be cool with it. That's about the most respect you can possibly give a dead person. Like if you buried your dad, and some guy came up and was like, 'Son, we'd like to make your dad the president, because he rocks so fucking much he's still rocking from beyond'. Would you honestly be like, 'No, he can't be president. He's dead, and I'm still going to rob him of any possible happiness'? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I hope he's got a cool name. Bob McJangles

The Rules of Pizza

Many years ago, when I was a young lad, I was put to the task of ordering pizza for a group of about 15 people. Because our budget was significant, I went to each person, and asked what exactly the would like. Then, I ordered 16 pizzas, one with each person's exact request, and one with what I wanted. Now, all the other people ordered really stupid, dumb-ass fucked up stuff. Like pizzas without cheese, and one with no sauce, or light sauce, or one that's got extra spice, like you think the people at the pizza place have extra spice sitting around in fucking jars, and I'm like... holy christ. An 8 year old can jump up to the table and eat some fucking pizza, and you've got to have some kind of mental defect pizza made specially for you, because somewhere in your 40 years of life you lost the ability to just deal with it, you dumb bastard?

And you know what I ordered? Pepperoni and cheese. The number one mother fucking thing ordered in america today.

So the pizza gets there, people start grabbing and eating, and you know what? No Cheese motherfucker takes some of his pizza, and decides pepperoni sounds good too, so takes some of that. And you know what triple peppers motherfucker does? Takes some of his triple pepper pizza, and decides to take some pepperoni too. Every motherfucker takes some pepperoni, and you know what I'm left with? The rest of these fucktards pizzas. Like I want to eat that shit.

It was then that I made an important decision. It was either totally flip-out, and just start killing everyone I see, or invent The Rules of Pizza. Live by these rules, and flourish ye' may.

1. When asked for your desired toppings, do not state that you do not care, or do not know. Behold: The default pizza, is cheese. If you do not know what you want, or do not care, you then desire: The Default Pizza. Order it as such, or as 'cheese', or do not order at all, or order as above, but know that you are a dumbass.

2. Your portion of the pizza is equal to your share in the group. You can not give this right up before the pizza has arrived. State clearly your intentions before the order is made. Believe the following two examples:

Harry Groban and Maxwell are ordering pizza. Harry Groban asks Maxwell what he would like, to which Maxwell replies 'The Works'. Harry Groban then orders a large pizza, with half works, and half cheese. When the pizza arrives, Maxwell says that he is not hungry, and because Harry Groban does not desire the works, a large portion of pizza goes to waste. This calls for swift punishment indeed.

William is ordering pizza, and asks his friend Marsha what she would like, to which she replies that she probably only wants one piece, but would like olives. William then makes the decision that Marsha apparently isn't hungry, because she only wants one piece, and she might be a fatass because she's trying to bargain her way into a pizza when she's already full, so he decides to order only a personal pan pizza for himself. Their reward shall be in heaven.

3. Many pizzas come with pizza accessories, such as a garlic cup, or a pepper. These items are to be shared equally, and not tainted with your nastyness. If there be an item which is not easily shared, such as a pepper, it shall be openly decided who will eat the pepper. If a decision can not be made, leave the thing and nobody gets it, because you're selfish pricks.

4. If you want something other than pizza, you better fork over some fucking cash upfront. Because like, sometimes people are ordering a pizza, and one fucker wants pasta or something like that. Maybe a fucking salad. Now everybody knows that it could have been cheap, because pizzas are designed to be eaten by multiple people and are efficient like that, but you had to be a prick and get something else, so now the other people have to pay more for their pizza, plus your part is going to be bigger, which means you have to pay more tip, and taxes, and you better carry your fucking weight in this thing, because I'll slash you up right here like a vertical blinds.

5. Know the difference between doing something cool, and something stupid. Raising a piece of pizza high above your head on one hand, and quoting the ninja turtles, possibly including some action move, is an awesome thing to do. Sharing stories with a little league team about winning some game, nobody wants to hear about that shit. Everyone wants pizza and to talk about the ninja turtles, and you should really shut up. And maybe there's like, one kid who thinks that baseball is so cool and he's going to be the winner some day, he's probably a dumbass, so just shut up and let everybody eat. Cowabunga!

6. If you're making a pizza, and you're using ham, if the ham is all wet, dry that shit off before putting it on the pizza, because then the middles of the ham circles aren't cooked enough, and the outsides are kinda too cooked. And don't like, overlap three pieces, because if I wanted to eat lunch meat I'd just have fucking done that. No need to order.

The Zen Masters of Buddha say that true enlightenment is reached through being perfect at everything, so that includes how to order pizza. Therefore, by just thinking about it, we know that the one who has achieved enlightenment also knows about pizza, so basically you should get on that too. So remember the rules above, and follow them, as well as spreading the good word.

Outdoor Temperature Sensor

So I was recently in a wedding, and the bride and groom gave us some cool gifts, but one of the gifts was this temperature station, that monitored the indoor temperature, and then had a wireless sensor to monitor outdoor temperature too. Now, my first thought was, what a dumb thing, because who really cares what the temperature is? And if you really care, just go outside, and see if it's warm or hot or cold or whatever. But then I set it up, and now I'm constantly curious as to what the temperature is outside. And it changes a lot. And sometimes it's colder outside than inside, and sometimes not!

Ahh! I'm becoming old!

Biography Part Three: Sports

I was born in the Cincinnati area, and I've lived here all my life, but as people who know me know... I am not a Bengals fan. So once I was asked, what team am I a fan of? The answer, is none. I am not a fan of any teams. But it's more than that. I don't like any teams. Not as in "I don't follow football", but as in I really dislike all the teams, and wish that they would not win any games. Like some people see a game between Ohio and Michigan, and they say "Aah, I hate the Michigan team, they're the nuts!" and they talk about how much they hope they lose, that's me! Except for both teams! I seriously hope that somehow, neither team wins, and they would both lose at the same time, equally. I don't want any team to win! Ever! Like the only time I ever track scores, is to see if no team has won any games yet. If that's the case, I'm excited about the season. Otherwise... I'm just upset because someone won, and it doesn't matter which team it was. I wanted them to lose.

Also, I played soccer for like, 4 years, and played indoor for 2

Bugaboo Stroller

Hey everybody. Sorry I've been slacking a little on the writing lately, but there's been a lot going on. I've been meaning to continue my biography, but haven't really had the time to sit down and really compose my thoughts.

One thing I have noticed lately, however, is these fucking Bugaboo strollers, which is major annoying. Why have I noticed strollers? I fucking don't know, but everywhere I go, god damn Bugaboo strollers. In stores, online, fucking in little ad bars on pages I'm looking at... and what exactly has gotten me sucked into the demographic of dumb motherfuckers who buy stupid shit?

I'm going to point out a few things that make you a dumbass if you've bought one of these. Don't take offense! It's not my fault you spend money like an shit head.

First off, I guess the great thing about these, is that you put your baby in this little baby-holder unit, and then you can put it in the stroller, but then you can detach the unit from the stroller, and like... put it in a car seat holder, or I don't know. Some other dumb shit. Just set it somewhere. Anyway, I know we live in the laziest country in the world, and we've got more fat-asses now than ever, but... your baby is a small person. It is not a modular fucking system. Keeping it attached to this one unit for 90% of your day because you're a lazy god damn moron isn't going to help matters. Also, your baby is going to grow up to be retarded, but that's genetic, and unrelated to the Bugaboo.

Secondly, when I was a kid, my stroller faced away from the person pushing it. This had the advantage of... oh... I don't know... me being able to see shit. This bugaboo stroller has the kid facing you, which is great for you, because your dumbass is walking along, looking at shit, and you can look at the baby too. How nice for you. Selfish piece of shit. Did you ever stop to think that something like the wonders of nature might be more interesting to the baby than your shit-eating grin? Probably not, if you bought this piece of crap.

Finally, the accessories for this fucking system are enough to make me shit. $30 for a cup holder. For your retarded stroller. So your baby can watch you fucking drink while it's facing the wrong way. In the past, people with too much money could buy cocaine, and then things would eventually and naturally even themselves out when said person died in a nightclub bathroom. This new shit doesn't have the same wonderful effect, and people just keep on going.

Really... if the company that makes these just gets them out of my face, I'll appreciate it.

How to Recognize When You Aren't Getting a Tip

The hofbrauhaus in Newport is a good place to go for beers and yelling a lot, but parking in Newport is always such a bitch, because of all the god damn assholes who go there. Fortunately, the hofbrauhaus has a parking lot, where they will valet park your car for $5. This is a major plus, because I never have to worry about where to park. The key point here, is that I pull up to the hofbrauhaus, get out of my car, hand a valet $5, and he literally parks my car, literally, 10 feet from where I got out. Literally. It would be possible to park closer, even, but the first two spaces are generally full already. So what's my issue?

I'm not tipping you, for motherfucking parking my car right in front of me. In fact, I'll tip your ass if you just get out of the fucking way, and let me park myself. Please don't think me to be cheap! I'm normally a generous tipper, but a tip depends upon a level of service, and moving my car 10 feet is not a service. Fuck, it takes me longer to park because of the god damn valet service. If motherfuckers took my $5 and got out of the way, that's a service I would pay for. $7 to get your dumb ass out of my way so I can park. Just tack your tip on to that.

Ok, so to the point, here's how you recognize when you're about to NOT get a tip for 'valeting':
You stand there like a moron while I don't give you any money.

Random Thoughts

If something is an outrage, it might be said that it is 'outrageous'.

"Down in front" is only appropriate to yell if someone in front of you needs to get down. Otherwise, it doesn't make much sense.

If they can have a guy turn a light on and off by thinking about it and having sensors hooked up to his head, why don't they just make it so he can control a whole bunch of stuff, and that would be really efficient, I imagine.

Regular cars take gas. Fuel-cell cars take electricity. Hybrid cars take gas, just less of it. So it's not really that they're 'hybrid', it's more like someone who wasn't a dumbass finally figured out how to make a car more efficient. Everyone else: Shit Heads. I can imagine the invention now: "Hey Marcus, what if instead of just fucking pumping tons of gas into the engine, we see if we can get it to work, and use less?" God damn retardeds...

Mangosteen

Site Stats

So recently I realized that when I changed the look of my blog, I also broke the stats gathering tool built into it, and as such, don't have any site data for the last 5 months. But... here are some site statistics for your possible entertainment:

Top 4 Posts:
Overclocking the GeForce 5700LE
Kubuntu Feisty Installation Part 1
Kubuntu Feisty Installation Part 2
2000 Eclipse Center Speaker Replacement

Browsers
57% Firefox
32% Internet Explorer
7% Safari
2% Opera

Operating Systems:
63% Windows
24% Linux
13% Mac

Observations about car companies

Mazda has a lot of sweet looking cars, the best being the RX-8.

If Saturn made the Sky in a roadster type style instead of a convertible, it would be awesome. Also it would be cool if they got rid of the name 'Sky'.

Ford doesn't have shit for cars. They've got the mustang, which blows chodes because every rich highschooler has one. That's about it.

Lexus has no idea how to make a sports car. They're basically borderline retarded. They've got a 4.3 Liter V8 with 280hp, and then you look at a company like Saab which gets 288hp with a 2.0L V6. Basically, if you're driving around a lexus, you're just fucking yourself.

BMW has good looking cars if you're into that 90s BMW look.

Mitsubishi ONLY makes sweet cars. In fact, for the last 10 years the Eclipse has been one of the sweetest cars ever, through 3 different major model revisions, which is so sad because the other car companies are idiots.

Scion's website is fucked up, so I wouldn't be surprised if their cars were too. Oh wait, they are. That fucking square-car.

Volkswagen hasn't figured out how to make a sports car yet. No disrespect, they just haven't. (HINT: MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SPORTS CAR)

What happened to Toyota making a sports car?

Basically I hope the good old Eclipse lives long enough for someone to make a sweet-ass fuel-cell sports car.

Biography Part Two: Lessons Learned

Lessons Learned
There are a series of weapons you should go for if ever accosted. They are, in order from best to least great:
Guns (Including Nail Guns)
A Flamethrower
Sword and full armor
just a sword
A Whip (If you're good with a whip)
Strange unconventional weapons, like two spiked balls tied together, or some kind of staff
Rope
Soft foam bats
A Poster
A Small thing like a tissue box
Nothing
Also Rocks, but rocks can be of a variety of usefulness depending on the situation, so can not be put in order. Also kung-fu, because if you're really good, you can defeat anyone, but if you're like, faking it, then it's probably not even as good as a soft foam bat.

8 Hours for work, 8 Hours for sleep, 8 Hours for what we will.

You can make any noun a proper noun by insisting it is a proper noun.

Important things to learn are how to walk, how to ride a bike, how to drive, and special licenses. The woods can be a treacherous place, like once I saw a opossum, but with proper wilderness survival training, anything is possible, even living in the woods! This will be handy if ever you have to hide from the law. Always go deep into the forest, but not so deep that there are bears. Live near water, so you can get fish, because apparently there are lots of those, but it might be hard to always find a raccoon to spear. If a mushroom looks harmless to eat, it probably is. Cooking will be difficult in the woods, so bring enough stuff to make fire, sure, but they have really cheap ass grills at Lowes or Home Depot that will be awesome to have, and you could use it like a backpack, or if you got a really big one you'd just be a dumbass.

Spell checkers will be our downfall. Because you can never trust the spell checker, because it doesn't know a lot of swear words like fecus, and so it will try to change it to faces which could be really bad, and also they recognize some words that aren't real. Also, sometimes it doesn't say anything is misspelled, so you send your email off like a dumbass, not realizing that you meant to type does, but you typed dose, and you look like a stupid bastard because you typed the wrong word and sent it. So to be better, we should just disable the spell checker, and learn to proof read our shit, because at least that way we'd know who couldn't fucking write, and we'd all just learn to be ok with it. Fuck, half the people on the internet can't spell for shit. Anyone who does that HAI!!!!! R U CMING 2 T HS 2 D ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ I hope when they die they shit their pants.

If somebody has a shady job, don't trust them. They're probably up to something shady. Most doctors are probably shady. Vampires are 50/50. Never tell the military that you have an unbreakable code, because they'll probably bug you forever to get it from you. You'll have to make something up and they'll catch you in a lie!

Use the right tool for the right job. If you ever catch yourself trying to use a tool for a wrong job, you're a dumbass. Put that down and go get a real screw driver. You just look like a dumbass doing it wrong.

Respect is mainly based on luck. Keep track of how much each person respects you, so you know the status.

It's pretty easy to pretend you have like, a 6th sense, by just insisting that you do, but make it something obvious, like you can sense when you're watching tv. People will be like, no, you can see and hear the tv, so those are normal senses, and you just insist that you can tell when you're watching tv some other way, that you just can't explain. You just KNOW it.

It's better to have a job than to not have a job. And then it's better to have a higher paying job than a lower paying one, and finally it's better to have a good job than one that sucks. Try to follow these guidelines when getting a job.

Metal is one of the strongest materials known to man. There are a lot of other strong ones though, so keep that in mind. The ground has boron in it, and it's pretty strong.

Don't build in a floodplain, dumbasses.

Biography Part One: Summary:

Summary:
I was born young in 1982. As I grew up, I began to sense things around me, through the use of my five normal senses, and other senses not recognized. As a child, most of my genius went unrecognized, or ridiculed. Like Operation Total Status. It would be a great name for a military operation, particularly if the operation were tactical in nature, like they were getting the status of something. But really I spent most of my childhood doing crap other than inventing or leading military operations. When I was 9, it felt like I was 9 until I was 11. Now that I think about it, that's really only one extra year, but when I was that age, I thought it was a huge amount of time. It was like, a year.

I went to catholic school for about 12 years, and then some kind of college, which was not catholic I don't think. I took about every class they had, but somehow did not become a doctor, at least not as I write this. Last week I think there was a holiday, and then again, this week there is another.

Sometimes I wonder if people are lying to me, and I'd like to go up to them and be like, 'Hey!' and just start making accusations incase they crack and I find out one of them is right, and be like, 'Hey God Damn It! I know the reason they never made Operation Total Status was you, you dick!' and see if it's true.

Possibly in the future I'd like to be a zombie hunter, which is something I think I'd be really good at. Maybe not even the hunting part, but if I knew where zombies were in advance, and could get to them, I could take them down pretty hard.

Meals on Wheels

I always imagined that the people in charge of Meals on Wheels were really devious, type people. Like, not in the way they operate meals on wheels, but like at night they'd probably mess with your mailbox, or something like that, because they just don't care.

Not many thoughts about Meals on Wheels other than that. I guess they're a really good thing. I wonder what the food is like. It's probably bland, because they have to satisfy a whole group of people, and so the food has to be tame so that nobody dislikes it. Then again, if I was meals on wheels, and somebody didn't like my food, I'd tell them to go get fucked.

Ten Awesome Movie Ideas

I’m feeling generous tonight, so I’m going to offer up five free movie ideas. These will be the best movies in the coming years, as the number of possible movie ideas begins to exhaust itself. Please note that these movie ideas are not free. I own them, and you’re going to have to pay me some money if you want them, and I want a lot of merchandise, but I’ll be reasonable. Just enough so when I’m interviewed, I’m surrounded by crap. And some money.

A boy-meets-girl movie with a wild twist. This new guy moves into town, and Sarah doesn’t think anything of it, until she notices that he really curses a lot. Like, a whole lot. Like not unreasonably, like he wouldn’t curse in a job interview, but when he’s just talking to people, oh yeah, he’s like ‘fuckin shit, and then man, shit’ the whole time. Sarah falls in love because she just loves how much he curses, and it’s a real twister, because the whole time he’s causing people to feel awkward because of just how much he curses, but she loves it. She’s torn, you see? Between what’s best for her, and what’s best for him. The Cussing. That should be the name.

Like Tron, but with whaling ships. Now, I never actually saw tron, but I know there is racing on a light bike, and if you cross someone’s beam, then you die. I’m guessing. So the whaling ships both have like, competing whaler captains, and they’re all retro, but retro 80’s not retro like... whaling ship age. Really other than that, there’s not a whole lot that’s like Tron. I guess maybe one of the ships could have a net trailing behind it, and at some point the other captain (The Red Captain) gets caught in the blue captain’s net, and he drowns or something. That would be the start of an epic tale.

Trillion-Mile Walker. This is a documentary about people with really stupid ideas, and how they intend to accomplish them. Like for example, maybe find a guy who wants to walk a trillion miles before he dies, and show what he does to get in shape and stuff like that, and he’s all talking about why it’s his dream and shit. Or a woman who wants to throw a javelin all the way across the pacific. And then document all of them documentary style, and then name the movie just one of the stupid ideas.

Power Rangers The Movie holy shit I can’t believe nobody’s thought of this one. It’s like the most obvious idea ever, and I don’t even like the power rangers. So make a movie, about the Power Rangers. Kids love it because it’s power rangers, and parents love it because it’ll be just like power rangers, only not retarded and all fucked up. Like a good story line, except nothing god damn stupid from the power rangers. Just really some suits so somebody looks like the power rangers, and then at the end they have to team up to fight a giant monster. The movie would be called Zords: Kids Action Movie For Adults.

How do you stop a gang of super intelligent criminal masterminds from taking over the city? By getting really really strong! In this movie there’s a group of super criminals, who are like, ultra geniuses, even have cyborg implants and stuff. Like some of them even have mind powers and stuff. And they’re going to take over the city, like I said. So then there’s this cop who’s like, ‘We can’t let them do this!’ and he volunteers for this program where they give him some kind of shot that makes him like, super strong, and he keeps getting stronger and stronger until he’s like, so strong he can punch a train and make it go down the tracks, or just smash a building in one hit. And you know, basically he just gets so freakin strong that whatever the criminals do, he can just punch them or do something, and it doesn’t matter, so eventually he gets them all to jail.

Fireman Love. This movie is a chick flick, except it’s like showing all these firemen’s relationships. The movie is a hit because whenever chicks rent porn, it’s always about firemen, so if you made this movie, they’d all love it! It doesn’t even matter what the movie is really about. They go out on some lousy dates or something, and maybe somebody breaks up and then at the end gets married. Like imagine you’re a guy, and you’re watching boxing, and it’s like, ‘Wow, that’s pretty good, but it would be better if it were two chicks boxing.’ and that’s why there’s women’s boxing now.

Going in line with Half-Baked, then Totally Baked, now we would have Double Baked, and it wouldn’t be a comedy, it would be a documentary the followed around people who were high, and examined how they try to bake things, or if their baking is actually any different from a person who is not high. Don’t bring up social issues like ‘How High Is Too-High?’ because that will just disturb people. Just focus on the baking.

Follow a pizza guy through his nightly deliveries, but oh no! What zany things always happen to him? Like at one house, he might knock and nobody’s there, and his boss totally freaks out for some reason and tells him he has to break in to see if someone died, and she calls the police. Then maybe later in the night his car has trouble, and he has to get it to the shop, and while he’s there there’s some witty dialogue with the mechanic, because they’re buddies, then he’s back out on the night again, and he just meets all kinds of people, and at the end solves a crime.

What’s the only thing hot enough to melt metal? Dragon’s Fire! Warriors from the future travel back to present time with a new weapon: The Dragon’s Fire. It’s totally destructive to everything, so they’re formidable! So the army and people of the present have to band together and fight them off!

Sluggers. Make a funny baseball movie about a team who just can’t get it together, like they’ve got a fat guy, and maybe one guy is of an ethnic background which is stereotypically bad at baseball, and maybe he doesn’t even know the rules. Ok, so then they bring in a new baseball coach, and he’s just as crazy! But he’s also strict, and he whips them into shape, and they win the tournament for whatever league they’re a part of.

When this one marine gets assigned to just kick ass from one end of the map to the other, he become the Cross-Country Warrior! He just gets this huge mission to just shoot a path through all these places, and they drop him off at one end, and it’s just non-stop action for three hours. Parts where he’s running through jungle and just shooting everything, and parts where he steals a jeep or a chopper and totally has to escape from the enemy, and he’s got to kill commanders, and guys in watch towers and tanks and everything, and by the time he gets to the end he’s like all beaten up but still good, and he’s like ‘Sarge, that was a hell of a mission.’ and sarge is all like ‘Yeah, but you gave them hell!’ or some other witty pun like that, and then we’re setup for a sequel.

Contact me if you’re interested in negotiating the rights to one of these great ideas. Remember, there are less new good ideas in the world every day. The value of these will only go up, so buy now and save just a ton!

Sportsmanship

If cheerleading is a sport, then so is pole dancing. Also, I have nothing against pole dancers. Cheerleaders... not so lucky. That's basically all I have to say about that.

Frank

Jef Van Royen, regarding cultured diamonds:

"If people really love each other, then they give each other the real stone," he says, during an interview at council headquarters on the Hoveniersstraat in Antwerp.

Bullshit. If you love someone, and you think giving them a rock dug out of a mine by a slave in some third-world country is a sign of that, you're an even bigger douche bag than you are a moron, and you should be stoned. With diamonds.

It's going to cost you 3 feet

My most commonly accepted form of payment is Nerds Rope. I often am handed several feet at a time, and have forgotten what I did to arrange for such payment, but no matter! Never look a gift horse in the face. They can turn a live man into stone.

Help Needed

If anyone knows how to train a pony to eat blood, please contact me.

Wild Wacky Action Bike

Snakes

I read about some kinds of snakes which play dead to try and get predators to go away. I bet when the snake is lying there all dead-like, it thinks it's pretty clever, but then I bet if you pick it up and carry it somewhere, it's like, "Oh crap..."

If I ever see a snake playing dead, I'm going to straiten it out into a line.

Rolex yourself into to the Mariana Trench

I'd like to personally thank Rolex for designing their website to automatically resize my browser window, like I can't figure out how to do that my god damn self. Jackasses. Also, it's completely unnavigable. You can design a watch that works 3900 meters underwater, but can't make a website so I can look at fucking watches.

Also, your shit is overpriced.

the larger Rolex Oyster Perpetual is available in steel or a combination of steel and 18c white gold.

Wow! Impressive! Made of steel! Steel! The rarest of all gems! I wonder where they got enough steel to make a whole watch! It probably had to be machined by unique machines found nowhere else in the galaxy since so few people use steel, at least not in any manner which requires even the smallest amount of precision, and watches are among the most sophistocated devices ever invented, and require such extreme precision that no other company ever besides Rolex even have the ability to make products out of extremely rare and precious steel!

Considering the extreme rarity of steel, and watches in general, I can understand why people pay thousands and thousands of dollars for these devices! I mean, out of one million random people, how many of those do you think have the advanced tools needed to figure out what time it is? One? Maybe two? Shit...

Also, what kind of ass-hat wears a watch 3900 meters under water?

The Fall of Bees, The Power of Gaia

There's been a lot of buzz (a pun!) in the new lately about problems with bees not being able to find flowers and such, and not pollinating things. Well I've got news for you, people. This is just a scare tactic by the liberal media to get you to pony up big bucks for old' uncle oil. And no, I don't know what that means.

You see, the way life evolved on this planet, is God created everything about 200 years ago. And it wasn't a rush job either. He took 6 days, and then smoked a doob on the 7th day. So he thought this through really well. You see, contrary to what you may have been taught in school, bees aren't actually the only creature that pollinate things. That's right. Bears do too. You see, if a bear walks by a flower, it can rub all up on it, and get pollen. Then it walks by another flower, and does some rubbing again, and boom, there's your pollination. Problem solved.

Great Advancements In Human Achievement

I have been alive for a god damn long time. Over a year, to give you a better idea. And in that time, I have seen many advancements in human achievement. Those advancements, I like to categorize into two categories: Genius, and Dumb-ass. I will elaborate:

Genius: The electric/hybrid car is a concept that has been around for a long time. Years and years ago, people saw the potential of this machine, and over the past many years, thanks to Great Advancements in Human Achievement, we have overcome the technological hurdles which stood in the way. Now, although dumb motherfuckers still opt to make hybrid SUV's, we have the electric and hybrid car! Genius!

Dumb-ass: For many years now, laundry detergent, or 'soap' as I like to call it, has been available in big honking containers, because it is diluted. This means you buy a big fucking jug of soap, and go through it fast, because it's mostly water, and you have to put a bunch in the laundry. Now, thanks to Great Advancements in Human Achievement, we have double concentrated laundry detergent! This means you only need to use half as much and can either buy a smaller bottle, or get more at a time. What boundaries of science did we have to overcome to have this amazing technology? STOP ADDING FUCKING WATER TO IT, DUMB-ASS.

NetFlix: Get It

I've said it before, but if you don't have Netflix, and you have cable, satalite, or something equally 1990s, you really need to switch.

My favorite thing about Netflix is that I can see a movie whenever I want, be it old, new, whatever. And don't try rubbing all up on my jock telling me that cable and dish have on demand crap. On demand is great if you want to watch a selection of 3 different Adam Sandler movies, or Barbed Wire. If you want access to real movie, you're out of luck.

See, my memory is bad. Like, I remember WATCHING Predator, but I don't exactly remember the story line. Like, I remember Arnold yelling at me to get to the Choppah, but I don't remember why. So now, I can stick it on my Netflix queue, and 2 days later I have the movie to watch. 2 days seems like a long time to wait? Well fuck you. Go to the video store. The key is anticipation. I know I've got time to myself this week, so I put some good guy movies on my queue, like The Road To Perdition, and Philadelphia. Even better though, Netflix has a bunch of movies you can watch online! Not as great as DVD quality on a big screen tv, but still.

Anyway... Netflix isn't paying me to tout the greatness of their service, but they fucking should. That's the summary.

ClearType

I've been at my new job for about 3 months now, and the whole time I knew there was something off about the way the screen on my work laptop looked. I couldn't put my finger on it, but something was a notch tackier than I generally find acceptable. I figured it out today.

Control Panel> Display> Appearance> Effects> Use the following method to smooth edges of screen fonts: ClearType.

So much better. With older fonts it doesn't make as much of a difference (at least to me) since they're fairly plain, but with some of the classier fonts (Monaco, GE's Inspira font, hell...even Tahoma), it makes a world of difference.

Now I just need to get them to ditch the Dell in exchange for a Mac.

Work as a Consultant and The Extreme Silence of the Flatulent Woman

So working as a consultant is a little difficult. Not really that it's hard, just that it takes a lot of time.

I have a good job, where I'm a code control lead for a very important project. I take my work very seriously, and am trying to earn the respect of the team. Work can be a little stressful, and it can take a lot of time, but it's not hard. The most difficult part is simply dealing with people who are in a different country.

But I also have an alter-ego, where I work for another company which offers to train me and give me all this great experience, but also wants me to show up for these late classes and meetings, and extend my work into the domain of my personal life.

At times, I wish I didn't have to do the extra work... and then I remember that I don't. I can just do what's required, and get my monthly pay check, and raise at the end of the year, and live just fine. But I want more than that, which is why I'm a consultant. I want the training, the certifications, the experience, and the responsibilities and extra income that are associated with that.

Really, I work full-time for two great companies. I'm not sure I'd buy stock in either (although I'm pretty sure I own stock in GE anyway...), but the people are good, the work is good, and the experience is good!

Nerf: Fuckin' Everything Up Basically

When I was a little kid, there were two ultimate weapons: Nerf guns, and Super Soakers. Of course, the super soakers were preferred, because they essentially had unlimited ammo (water), but nerf was good too. Basically, nerf had a whole assortment of weapons, but they all used one of three kinds of ammo: Small Darts, Large Missiles, or Balls. Supersoaker had two main models, the 50, and the 100. They were reliable, accurate, and when you ran out of ammo, you could beat the other kid with it, because it was sturdy. There were others around that same time, such as the 30 and 150, but everyone knew that the 20 was underpowered, and the 150 wasn't as reliable as the 100 or 50. Also, the supersoakers had largely interchangeable parts, as the bottles for the 30, 50, and 100 could be swapped in many instances.

Q: How hard is it to stick with something that works?
A: Apparently pretty fucking hard.

So now, Nerf has these guns that shoot a dozen weapon-specific projectiles in the most unconventional way, so the thing doesn't work right, or on the rare occasion that it does, it launches all of your projectiles and you never find the one again, and you can't go to the store and buy it, because there's no consistency and they can't sell extra packs of 50 different projectiles, and then the air bladder springs a leak, or one of the clips that holds a thing inside it breaks, and the whole thing is a big piece of non-recyclable crap, and don't get me started on super soaker. What the shit is an aquashock hydrablitz? There was a time when you learned the power of a good weapon, or you got beaten with one, and then learned the power of a good weapon, so either way you learned the power of a good weapon. Kids these days are too busy jacking themselves off over their oozinator 3400XC to know what the crap things do.

Desktop Practices

I can tell I've been spending too much time at work, because my computer at home has like, 7 icons on the desktop. I almost never let it get that messy! And I could clean them up right now, but I need to prioritize this precious free time.

On the other hand... my work computer is absolutely immaculate. I happen to know that both partitions are defragmented, cache is cleared, desktop is clean, and folders are ready to download updated source code when I get in on Monday morning.

Ugh.

Medical Advice

The key to getting a heart transplant, is getting on the list early. Even if you're in perfect health, have your doctor start finding extra hearts to stockpile for you.

Lookin' Hella Retarded

24" rims on a bike. Sadly... I don't see why not...

Snow Eating Robot and Michael Jackson Eyes

This is a cool snow eating robot.

Ok, so today I went to Panera for lunch, as I so enjoy doing. The girl who waited on me, and then for some god-forsaken reason decided to move along and help prepare my food, was what I could only describe as a bitch. The tip off was when she asked me how I was doing, and I replied, and asked her how she was doing, and she stood there gawking at me, waiting for me to order. Answer the question, bitch. Ok, so anyway, that was her general attitude, and it was slightly off-putting, since the people at Panera are usually exceptionally nice. So it was bothering me a little, until I realized... she had Michael Jackson eyes. So no matter how cruel, or unfriendly, or rude she might be to me, she has nothing on the cruel blow which fate hath already dealt her.

Note To Dell

If I had a nickel for every time I tried to jam the power cord for my Latitude D830 into the s-video socket, I'd have 6 nickels. For shame...

Rap The Vote 2008

Personally, I think voting should be a public process, because I think that on a personal level, you should be able to hold people accountable for who they vote for. Like if my neighbor voted for Bush after his first 4 years of fucking up, I want to know that so I can hate him. What would be wrong with that? And it's not like it would excuse me from the law. Like if I went over to his house and caved his head in with a claw hammer, I'd be the one in the wrong still. Additionally, public voting would prevent election rigging like I half believe goes on today.

Ok, more than half.

Dr. Who

Nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about, so stop making fucking Dr. Who references.

Doctors

As a youngin, my parents were always caring about me and shit, so they sent me to all these doctors.  Like, I had a dermatologist, a normal doctor, a dentist, an orthodontist, whatever you call the doctor who lies about your spine, a shrink, all of that.  And it was good, because I now know that most doctors are liars.  Just flat out.


toothpastefordinner.com

The Best Thing About Pep Rallys

I want to get strait to the point:

In grade school, the best thing about pep rallys was that once, there was this kid on the foot ball team who broke his leg, and was on crutches, so we're all in the gym, and the foot ball team runs down the middle of the gym, through all these people, to break through this sign that probably says something dumb about football, and the kid on crutches is going as fast as he can, and totally falls, and literally slides through half the gym on his face.  Go football!!!  Go team!!!

In high school, the best thing about pep rallys was just plain getting out of class.  There was seriously not a single person in my class who gave a shit about our team, except the football players or the cheerleaders, so we'd all sit in the bleachers and be thankful that we didn't have to listen to god damn religion class.  Most of the time was spent talking shit about how nice it would be to be a sniper in the air ducts.

Every so often, some prick would get the great idea to enlighten us about how often something happened.  For example, did you know that every 40 minutes, some cockass dies from drunk driving?  That number might be wrong, but I don't care.  Anyway, so some dumb ass decides we should focus on that for a day, so every 40 minutes, one kid in the school gets put in all black clothes and white paint on their face or something, to show what it would be like if they died or something.  Of course, it was always the dumbass suckup kids, like the class president and shit, so nobody would actually care if they died, aside from how awesome it would be, because all the teachers would go easy on us if we pretended we actually cared.

So anyway, once, they got this great idea to simulate a car crash in the parking lot.  I'd like to point out that I have actually created a car crash in the parking lot, so their idea wasn't quite as dramatic as they probably wanted.  Anyway, so they decide to simulate this, and they bring in two wrecked cars, and have one of the students play dead as the driver in one, and there were probably other dead motherfuckers, and then there were some students who lived but were all cut up, and 'crying' and shit, and the parametics had to take the hurt kids, and the police took the driver into custody or whatever... anyway, big dramatic thing... so...

I think it was the Heils, possibly Jones, myself... we're all in the back, and as loudly as we could, without getting the attention of too many officials, we're basically cheering the incident on, and talking shit about the people who just 'died'.  Typical highschool miscreants.  What made it so great though, in my memory, is that the teacher closest to us, who was supposed to make sure everyone behaved, was just busting up laughing, because we were doing such a good job of making fun of the whole issue.  Like, some days, you're just really in the zone, know what I mean?

Anyway...  school events were always great...

Cheetos Commercial (Don't join the underground)

I've been watching Comedy Central when I have off time in my room, and I just have to say, that Cheetos commercial where the girl is doing her laundry, and 'sees' the old Chester the Cheetah telling her to put Cheetos in the other girl's whites... yeah, that commercial rocks.

Also, don't bother going to the website that it points you to, because it sucks.  Big time.  But I do have to give the Cheetos company credit, because basically what it is, is they want you to engage in random acts of Cheetos.  It's like Project Mayhem, but without you know, any point.  But they're basically advocating using their product for something other than eating, which some would take as a sign of defeat, but I admire their extreme-ness.  Like, if you had a sandwich joint, and business wasn't so good, so you started trying to convince people that your sandwiches, like, if you carry them in a pocket, can protect you from being stabbed somewhat or something.  "I don't give a shit what you do with them, just buy the Cheetos!"

Chicago Update - Sears Tower

So I secretly snuck a bunch of pictures of (undisclosed location) for your benefit, as a faithful reader of my blog, but I copied the pictures to a memory card which I have no way of reading here, so you lost out on that one, buddy.

In lieu, I did visit the Sears Tower, and took some stunning night time images of the city on my camera's phone:

Ok, so they're not exactly stunning, but pretend you're looking instead of just looking at my camera phone pictures, and pretend there's no haze, or whatever that stuff is, and the contrast isn't way off, and you don't have glaucoma.  Bada bing!!  

Chicago: Live

Greetings, one and all.

With my new consulting job, training is important. In light of this, I have been sent to Chicago to train with IBM. The benefit for me, is that in two weeks, I will be taught the latest and greatest in computer technology. The benefit for you, is that I will also be reporting on a semi-unscheduled basis, all the amazing news, directly from Chicago, LIVE. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so be sure to type the Internet Keyword 'Big Dave' in to your computer browser, and join me as I unfurl the sights and sounds of Chicago, mainly from within my hotel room. The view, is breathtaking:

The view from one of my windows

Some type of sky-mosque

Ah-nom nom nom nom nom...

Computer Mice

Back when the Logitech MX1000 first came out, I either bought one, or my uncle bought one for me.  I don't recall which, but I'm going to give the credit to my uncle because that's where most of my high-end tech stuff comes from.

Anyway, it was easily the best mouse available at the time, with a real laser (not a red dot thingy), a cradle to recharge its little Lithium cell, a 4-way scroll wheel, extra buttons for all kinds of stuff.  It was great.  Still is.

When I first got it, it lasted like, a stupid-long time without being recharged.  And this is coming from me, who uses it almost all day.  I'm going to say 2-3 weeks on a single charge.  Put it on the dock for the night, and in the morning it's ready to go!

Now it lasts 3-4 days on a single charge, but the perk is that it completely recharges now in like, 30 minutes.  So when I notice that the little light is red, I throw it on the dock, go get food, and come back to a full battery.

Anyway, I don't need a new mouse yet, and am not getting one for a while, but if I were buying today, the only real option would be the Logitech MX Revolution.  I don't even need to argue the features, because there is no real comparison.

Microsoft apparently has their Vista designers working on their mice now, because there is absolutely nothing new or interesting in their offerings.  Oh wait, a wireless mouse with a gig of flash ram in the transceiver.  There's a good idea.  I really want to not be able to share data without unplugging my mouse, and at the same time have to plug my mouse into a computer every time I share data.  Brilliant.

Mac has their wireless Mighty Mouse, which if it were rechargeable, would be in the running, but it's not, so it isn't.

Anyway, that's probably more about mice than you really wanted to know.  If you actually read this whole thing, good for you.  Here's a cookie. Go ham it up.

A Little Bit of My History

My great grandparents were farmers.  It was often said that they were outstanding in their field.